Xmiaou's Christmas Predictions

What are Xmiaou's Christmas Predictions?

I will get a lot of unnecessary gifts. I will remain sober and shall not get laid with a random stranger. I will eat lot of good foods.

Nowadays I find it very ominous to let my friend know what I am doing. Because if I tell him, the plan always crashes. He also insists to know what activities I am into and with whom I am spending my time, which I find pretty offending nowadays. Also I just can't get this word across to him that I am not attracted to him and just consider him a friends and I would not be comfortable doing anything with him which contradicts such a fact. He is helpful and I need to stick around with him since my other three male friends have tied the knot.

Yes I think its pretty clear that the special someone in the team is actually attracted to me and likes me. But I have already decided to stay away no matter how close we get. This is just a whim and it's not serious at the other end. It takes a little effort and pain but the more you interact less, avoid, and do not look into the eyes, it becomes positive and easier to stay determined. After all this was going in the path of love and could have been something great even without any commitments but it's a missed train.

Why should I?

It's a very hard breaking not heartbreaking thing for someone single during Christmas. I sometimes think is it better to be committed or be single and independent?

Sometimes I feel I was lucky to come here, work here in this designation. On the other hand it has been bad since there is hardly anyone in office with whom I can even informally discuss work. I am the only transition zone employee.

When I liked someone I made it pretty much obvious without showing off but that particular person always wanted to tread on the cautious line. That person is conscious and a thousand times careful not to give any impression of favoring me. Huh its funny since I am the Senior. On top of that, there are days of losing control and so I am sick and tired of being confused by this person. I have let go. Now I only end up being kind and nice but detached. I don't get any assertiveness from that person so why should I show any?

Unfortunately we have also lost any chances of 'we' time and I know for sure that I am leaving early next year. My Kerala travel plans...huh :( I was this close and it's gone...burst like a bubble.

The Time Comes to an End...

Christmas is round the corner
It's also time for me to wrap up
The year shall end and so shall my stay...
I wish we had more time together.

I do recall the first time I saw you on the floor
You looked detached...arrogant at times
But you looked at me with all attention
You held my gaze.
It pinned itself on my psyche
Your sharp face.

I found your name on the newsletter
I do recall the day we smiled
In the restroom
I do remember, I introduced myself at lunch
The story began there and ran off.

Now I know just one intoxication
Which lies in the deep brown depths of your eyes
I shall miss talking to them with mine
I will miss catching in them the golden sun shine.

Not to miss the sweetness of your accented language...
Not to miss the rough feel of your palms...
Not to miss your pixie smile...
Not to miss your expressive face...
Not to miss what you felt for me...
It...will take me a while.

Will you forget me?
Will you remember the times?
I do not know.
I just hope you do...
'Coz I can't help expecting just this bit from you.

Mistakes that We Repeat

'All flowers will fester
All false smiles will fade away soon
Friends may give you pain but they know it
But false friends give you hopes
And make you a buffoon.'

Why do we make mistakes even when we know we are making mistakes?
Is it our vulnerability?
Is it our heart which makes us weak?

What to do when the mistake stares at us creating a fool of us?

Sometimes it's better to accept that we are human. Laugh it and forget it, and become more careful. I needed to wake up and I did. I tried, failed...tried again. Don't know if I succeeded. But I am better off now.

Someone

I feel like spending most of my spare time with that 'someone'. That 'someone' who I am so terribly attracted to. I fear the separation which is imminent sooner or later. So I want to make each moment and day special and memorable. After all, the memories will be all that we shall carry.

Same situations hit my life time and again. When I am compelled to change my dwelling and workplace, and also the city. An attachment makes it difficult but I am sure like always I will bless my stars and leave the object or objects of my attachment and move on.

So for the time being I will go for the wish fulfillment of that 'someone'. The best way to the heart is through the stomach. I would also love to visit Kerala with that 'someone' as my guide. Sometimes it's not worth being patient.

The Sponge and the Stream

'Our mind is a sponge; our heart is a stream.

Is it not strange that most of us choose sucking rather than running?'

-----Kahlil Gibran

Well sucking is what exactly I am doing right now even though I am sick and tired. How come no one ever found me with their heart or tried to find or feel me? May be they did but I never noticed. I cannot figure out the way I interpret this world or its denizens.

I do not know whether I should give in to love...to longing...to attraction. I have the fear of telling him though he looks at me, I turn away thinking what he might think of me. I am so afraid to be judged. Is he younger than me and so will he see me as a cougar? My mind sucks and my heart dies. I cannot forget his eyes...big and so full of melody. His fair body and ripped being ripping me apart as I sketch him a thousand times on the canvas of my heart with my eyes.

As she leans over me holding the mouse and reading the computer screen, I can smell her mild perfume. I can see the color of her lip liner. But I get conscious that she can smell me too. Does she like the musk cologne I am wearing? May be I smell too masculine. My mind sucks again as it tells me she has a boyfriend and loves him and she is my coworker. I stretch my hand to touch her ear ring but stop.

My lack of focus will hit me hard again. What is it I want? Why can't I focus on more than one thing and why can't I get it?

I need to suck and run...use my heart and mind but both lie frozen at the moment.

Soul Searching

Sometimes you have the general feeling of being lost and without any direction. Your best friend of opposite sex tells you everything would have been so different if you were married to him.

He wouldn't have pined for a child and I wouldn't have been without a man in my life. I cannot blame him because he was always ready to be with me but I was and still feel just a friendly feeling for him.

Life has given me enough chances of soul searching. Instead of turning me bitter, it has made me a sweeter and kind person. I am sometimes surprised at my behavior. I do not believe in worshiping God in the temple but in people around. I don't know how much I succeed to be tender yet strong but I do try.

An employee, a very sincere worker is leaving today but we had no idea that his release date is today. He treated us to ice-cream which I did not have, thanks to my throat. I also did not join the farewell party but I left secret chocolates on his desk. People did not get a chance to buy him a farewell gift, but it was wonderful to see the amused sunshine smile on his face while he found the chocolates.

Copyright

Drawing or sketching someone passionately can be akin to other experiences. It's like being God and creating the physical features once again. You realize which of the features must have been most difficult to create.

On the other hand, sketching can also be exploring or making love to a person passionately. You take up each feature, put your focus on to it, and keep on trying to put it to perfection to the original.

I sketched one of my coworkers recently and can't help falling in love with this person. The large expressive eyes which had touches of sorrow and twinkles of amusement. The long nose which was a perfectly etched hill and you have to balance yourself on it, till you fall onto the lips. The lips were most difficult as they had a serene smile on them. The person looked divine with an expression of affection. All these were difficult to capture as they just took my breath away. I was lost in them.

When I handed over my half baked work to this person, I couldn't help feeling shy as it felt like I was already proposing. And is it not mysterious that the person insisted on putting my signature on all the sketches as a token of ownership of the art? If only it could have been the copyright on the object of my art such as the vermilion adorning the forehead of an Indian married woman.

The Green Maze Muse

Happy Birthday to my ex-Senior. I have been luckily inspired to create a whole junkyard of passionate poems dedicated to this beautiful mesmerizing green knight. Well memories of our confused relation and how much I loved to embarrass her still puts a smile on my lips...so here's the last one which is a sequence to the first love poem in this blog.

'The Green Maze Revisited'

Long since I have walked in the green maze...
Long since I have held that gaze...
Long since I have looked on those hills...
Long since I got drenched in the monsoon drizzles.

It seems like a past life so dear
Its seems so distant yet so near
The rivers change their courses
The seasons rotate and disappear
I find myself lost
When I wonder how I got here...
But I can just close my eyes and dream again
Of the hills, of the rain drenched paths, of the smiles,
Of the riddles, of the journeys...
I can get lost again...
In the endless green,
And search for that flame
To show me the way
Out of this night...
Into the day.

The Titanic...

I have struggled to protect the private me from the rest of the world. A lot of people may describe me as flamboyant, in the face or too open about myself. However, they are wrong. They do not know how difficult it is to pretend everyday. pretend that you are strong, happy, and confident. It is so difficult to admit that I am a loser and a jerk. I am still standing in the same place and it's been ages now. I have tried my level best to take control of everything, hopelessly and meticulously failing in everything. It's ok to be all these but what are the reasons, I don't have a clue. Don't I deserve a good job... a great guy...a comfortable life? I am smart and intelligent...people call me gifted...I am attractive...I am well-educated...What is the problem?

The boy, I was in love with found marital bliss in someone else's arms and as if that was not depressing enough, came back in my life pretending to be a friend when all he wanted me to be was a friend with benefits. The girl, the love of my life came back with promises of repairing our relationship when all she really wanted was some playful distraction from her boring half baked life and career. My work and office, the less said is better as it will take me from being depressed to suicidal.

So what is this private me? A twisted mangled mass of metal, much like the WTC structure after the towers fell. Assumed to be ever powerful but in reality, the Titanic of sorrows and erroneous calculations, which is sinking.

Stagnancy at a Crossroad

Some times your life comes to a horrible stagnancy at a crossroad. You need to move out fast but you don't know which direction. You also have no idea on how many choices you will have or how your decision will affect you.

I planned so well and everything was right in place as a landed a job at a place I wanted. The gym subscription was ending and also the rent agreement. I was also completing a fair amount of on the job experience.

But all comes with an irony of excess finances which I cannot cope with. I am just frozen and I can't wait here till something hits me and I die. I need to get out.Most times I know what the outcome is and that does not make things easier for me. Perhaps it makes me accept and resign myself to fate more. I do not fight knowing well what the outcome will be.

Forecasting

May be every sort of relationship that is born is actually born out of necessity. What happens when there are no necessities or when necessities end? How are relationships affected by this?

For example, the liberated uber flamboyant chic I met online. I don't know whether I should call her or not. My heart says I should, but mind feels ego tight, so I started using the all too familiar manager's instrument called forecasting to forecast about all the future possibilities. Well I think 'am not going to be public with the forecasting possible outcomes.

But one thing I would like to say that I really like the chic's super attitude. I know her too less to consider it as a show of. She is too much flamboyant and in the face and flirty in a raw way. I never ever met a woman like that. She totally blew me away with that even before I saw her pic, I had risen in inspiration as opposed to fallen in love.

I must say how much I want her to think about me and desire me and that would really flame my ego of being the object of focus of such a person. I can't do anything else because I am sure she is turned off by my age (am I way younger?), my current straight relationship, my location, and perhaps the current situation in life. I am also not a damsel in distress as I can compete with her in all other aspects of self confidence and security. Is it necessity that is driving me to create a bridge between us? What sort?

When Trys Take you to More Trys

There are times in life when apparently everyone seems to think that you are doing good but in reality nothing seem to work out.

For example, the situation I am in right now. I am stuck in a bad city(totally my opinion and no offense meant) and in a bad job situation. A job where I have been around for more than 1.5 years now with no increments or promotions. I also do not get to play my role as I have to compete against the oldest working (in years served in the company) employee in the department. I get paid once in two months and that also after reminders. On top of that is the astronomical notice period.

On personal front nothing seems to work out because I seem to repeat my mistakes. The guys are not good enough and yes...I hate short guys or fat guys or over the top horny guys.

All the good job offers I am getting come with huge monetary losses and relocation woes. The immigration thing is also not working since that was the primary thing which motivated me to work in my current the job.

I have also not traveled at all inside country and should I be even pining for foreign travel. Well it can't be without a partner so save money. The gym membership is also over and no solution in sight, since I had decided that I will move out of the city by this time. I also have no idea if the nuptial bit will get over peacefully in November.

Am I really in deep shit or just pmsing?

Years of Slogging and Promotion

This is dedicated to my current...

You become head to come late to office every day.
You become head to make a manager do menial tasks.
You become head to brag about your achievements.
You become head to undermine other people's achievements.
You become head to show favoritism.
You become head to make sure you never appreciate the good qualities of someone hired to replace you.
You become head to degrade a manager in the sweetest possible way.
You become head to feel insecure.
You become head to encourage greasing.
You become head to never include a newly joined manager in important meetings.
You become head to never show any reverence to a newly joined manager in any way.
You become head to make the new manager feel that he/she is nothing inspite of his/her experience or degrees.
You become head to make sure that no interesting tasks are assigned to the new manager.
You become head to make sure the new manager does nothing that can distinguish him/her.
You become head to make sure you never ask for advice from the new manager.
You become head to become an arrogant, hypocritic, insecure, cunning, and incompetent person.

Confessions of a 20 something IT Professional

“For the last few days or if I may say for the last 1 year, I have been subjected to too much strain and stress.

I left my job, relocated to a different city, to a different job and to a different life since I got married. I also joined my dream company with high hopes on myself as well as the company. With the passage of time everything started crumbling as work pressures mounted and with that expectation from seniors. These expectations were sometimes baseless and illogical. There was high intolerance for errors. Good qualities were mostly ignored and seldom appreciated.

I started crumbling emotionally and physically. Sense of worthlessness and pain gripped me. The optimistic me was slowly dissolving in the acid of circumstances. I started learning new things, increased my travelling and tried to make more friends. Nothing helped much as more than 12 hours in average was spent at office. Other time I was working on official documents at home after office. When my husband frequently left on long trips it strained me even further. I realized most of my friends who were once great had become so much self-centered. I hardly had any option but to take an extreme step…

I climbed up to the roof of my apartment and stood on the edge. I could visualize my whole life there, waiting to topple. I thought about all the people I had lost in the last 1 year due to various reasons. The feelings of misery become more and more severe. They were like thick black storm clouds waiting to burst out. I hated my office…my life…my worthlessness. I was a loser. I had tried so much to remedy everything. Yet nothing has clicked. As I walked on the edge I closed my eyes to embrace all that came with my decision to end everything.”

Well such is the story for so many of us. Most of us are actually concentrated in the southern region of India. The feature below also talks about it. What is the solution?

http://www.mid-day.com/lifestyle/2009/nov/191109-German-goalie-Robert-Enke-Indian-professionals.htm

It's a small world!

I have come of age in my industry and that I can say proudly. Every other person I have met at my current organization now, knows someone who I also know professionally. This is amazing as it makes team bonding easier.

I am enjoying the last few days of my single life though life sans men can be hardly called a life. The huge number of women in my area of work bugs me big time. And I don't care if they are drop dead gorgeous or anything.

My recent moment of high came when my past and present merged in the form of my ex and my current facing each other. Boy they got along well. Thank god I am at peace.
My recent moment of low was finding out that my greatest fear had come true...I just have no clue where my baby "J" is.

I am getting over my heartbreak over my last organization...still wondering why things went so bad. Most of my seniors love me, consider me to be talented and with potential. I do not know what is wrong with her. Anyways never mind. Well all the green eyed people in my life have been short sighted and insensitive to my feelings.

I have been a witness to some of the worst marriages and yet...am going for one. I am also looking forward to meeting my 'doctor saab' and 'topiwaala'. Thats the best thing about my current location...it has all my dear friends at one place.

I also hate dressing in formals everyday and hate looking feminine...sporty and funky is my style and tomboy style not this yukky bit. Well I am looking forward to meeting my PM.

Lessons Learnt form Rich Dad’s Before You Quit Your Job

I recently left my job and relocated to a new city. During recession this was a bold move. I came upon the book, ‘Before You Quit Your Job’ by Robert T. Kiyosaki and Sharon Lechter at my cousin’s place. Though this is a book which might inspire entrepreneurs more, there are quite a few lessons for any professional in it. I will put just some of them here.

Negative people are not the same as brutally honest people. It is necessary for someone to know all the hard and difficult facts about one’s situation.

There’s a difference between help and a crutch. Since arrogance leads to ignorance, it’s necessary to ask someone about something you don’t know but do not ask for too much.

Mentors are important to keep one in tract. You may not know your mentor personally as a book and also a role model can serve as a mentor figure.

The best answers are found in the heart and not in the head.

Many a time people are not as successful as they would like to be is ‘fear’. This fear is the fear of failing. This fear also prevents one to take risks and wait for the perfect situations.

What was effective ten months ago may not be effective for the current context. It’s essential to upgrade yourself and change might not be so much unsettling after all.

You do not need to be the first to win. How you market yourself or safeguard your findings and find the right people to promote it determines your position.

Just knowing what to do does not mean you know how to do it. Many times it is observed that top students at school do not perform in an outstanding way in life.

The book is written in clear and concise language and is nicely segmented for good understanding. It is a must for anyone having a hidden entrepreneur inside. Good examples from real life experiences are drawn to explain certain ideas.

From the one who was wronged and betrayed...

I cannot forget my recent betrayal. The time and circumstances are so much against me. How much money I had spent to come to my present location? Amidst so many odds. Relocation always has a lot of challenges thrown at you. I had discussed what I was good at and what I was not so good at during my interview. I had also cleared the test. Breaking the hearts of so many I left behind, rejecting the offer of a giant, I joined my current organization.

I was consciously given false hopes of meaningful work, increased job responsibilities, decision making powers and management roles, more learning, more challenges. All has crumbled in the last six months. My hurt is so intolerable because of the amount of faith I put on someone. I do not know how can such a person be least bothered about my growth because this organization is so puny? It is a small team and I always looked for a long term relationship. I constantly strove to give my best. I was sincere and loyal to that person. I explicitly expressed how I felt. I tried to voice my legitimate concerns. Now I know the person just heard it and forgot. I was regarded with so much ignorance, with so much insensitivity. Today why should I pay the penalty of someone else’s incompetence of judging me in an improper manner? Was not this person also appointed by the person who appointed me?

It was a conspiracy against me. recession, staying abroad, level in career and past record- all were taken into consideration to put me in this cul-de sac. I will not give up either. I live for my pride of being a person of principles and I shall not compromise my values. On the other hand I do not know how to handle the pain I am feeling inside and the extreme anger. I never thought I will hate someone so much and now I know it shows. I cannot control it but it will pain me a lot because the object of my hatred was once the object of my affection and God knows, how much I had loved that person and how cruelly the trust was broken.

I knew everything yet I refused to accept it. I consoled myself by saying that everything will be all right. I have been through a lot of pain in life and took it like a sport. I do not know why my resilience is failing me. I do not know how to cure this. I have to be far away from all these. On the other hand I think, I want my revenge. I want to teach that person a lesson. Looking back I will forgive that person because my love and devotion was true and selfless so did I not know that I will be put to shame for that.

Quitting My Job

A perfect workplace, does not exist. There are few perfect managers and there are no perfect employees. However there are near perfect environments. In a near perfect environment the needs of employees are met and the concerns of management are also met. This can happen in an environment of communication and consideration.

I was wondering that whether I have quit in anger but the answer is 'no'. There are areas of concern which I have addressed in my blog. I have even requested my business head to read it. I have addressed the concerns in written and verbally, without effect.

Things have only been noticed when the water has flowed above the head and mind you this was not a flood but a Tsunami. Quitting is often not the best solution, however. Addressing the problem in an adult manner, accepting my part of the blame and allowing others to admit their imperfections, and I did try with a clarifications document. Though my business head read it...she said that she does not require any clarifications.

My question is why should critical feedback only be given during periodic reviews? Why should assumptions be made rather than taking the bull by the horns and taming it.

"The best reason to quit should be that you found something that pays well, is in your area of interest, and will provide you with a fulfilling reason to want to go to work, all the remainder of your days."

Now where does my scenario fit?

-Communication skills- clarity, timeliness

-Knowledge and skills

-Resourcefulness

-Reliability

-Leadership

Keeping these aside is the consideration that how much I can value add to an organization and how difficult it will be to replace me...am I really worth retaining?

I don't know who will answer these!

A job or a marriage?

My job was just like a marriage. I was in a different city. We met each other for the first time, liked each other and putting faith entirely on that special person, I left my place, my life, my friends behind and came to a new city, to a new family.

A lot of questions had come up on my choice of the alliance. Since I had ‘better choices’. I was not too confident on my choice either but anyways I tried to carry on well. I have always been passionate about work and relationships and there was no exception this time. On the other hand I could feel deterioration striking me and something was eating me inside. Health issues cropped up soon and also critical issues at workplace.

I was promoted to a higher band but unfortunately there was no one to guide me at my new workplace. KRAs of work, organization expectation, who to please, nothing was clear. I thought that was part of the work culture here since I had come from the metro cities. To worsen the situation I got emotionally attached to one of my seniors. The one I had met on the first meeting. She seemed to like me over the time. I liked her too, adored her beyond normal limits.

Who did I know here? What else could this sensitive heart of mine have done? On the other hand I was extremely analytical and saw things as they were, not as I wanted to see them. I got along pretty well with a young team which had a lot of potential and willingness to learn. I was happy and I made up my mind to share all the treasure of my professional experience with the team. I was also preparing for the last paper of my MBA. I succeeded in my ventures soon. I had my team with me, I had my MBA degree and yes I had my seniors with me.

In my happiness I forgot the critical factors. The KRAs of work, organization expectation, who to please, these were still unclear. I also hardly received any serious professional feedback from the object of my admiration. I have a bit of lawyer in me so I love arguing. I am young hot blooded and so can’t help it. All these were building up and the death blow came in the form of a new joinee in the team. My new reporting manager. My marriage or my job which was like a marriage ended with his feedback which came in the form of the six monthly review. It was full of loop holes, it was biased. I had no strengths according to the document. It was an occurrence unprecedented in my career. Mis-communication, misconception, misunderstanding stood there all united to ruin my career and kill me.

On top of that was the severe heart breaking pain of enduring the bureaucratic behavior of the person, I have actually loved over the time. They say that when you love someone you accept that person as they are inspite of what they are. You try to groom and mentor the person not chastise or denigrate her because even bitter honesty is demotivating. I persevered, learnt from my mistakes, admitted them, tried to correct them inspite of that I failed.

Everything will go on as it is, my silent tears will dry up, my bruised heart will perhaps heal, but this episode I want to shift delete forever from my memory and life.