Long Long Time...

It was a double bonus for me reconnecting with friends after a long long time. One of them I met after a gap of about a year and the other perhaps 10 years or more.

I really needed the hugs, the kindness, and the giggles from both.

I don't believe in God or else I would definitely say this was God's smile and present to me. Also my new year was spent with a friend who cooked for me.

Yet today I am reduced to a cry baby because I do miss a friend who was once with me on a new year. I slept off on her shoulder with an open mouth while watching a movie. I never knew how I reached home and  was tucked away in bed.

I will never see her again or may be I will see her photos. I will never kiss her cheek again. We will never hug again. No more drives together or no hand feeding me food or scolding me.

People die and some die too soon. She died and a very significant part of me died with her.

I don't know what eats me inside? Is it her or is it my part which has departed with her which no husband, boyfriend, friend, family or anyone can bring back.

 

My Two Year Exile

Over the barren strange land which threatened to crush me, I never got attached to anything. May be just the gushing waters of Bay of Bengal and the sad lonely moon. Then one day, when I got struck and lay there looking at myself crippled...along came chant of God. But now it is gone...every bit of solace it brought and the happy surprises which followed the ignorant pain in a city called...never mind.

For two years I had drifted alone

Without land in sight

Then you came

You sheltered me

And now I think how could it be?

That I was happy with a mirage

There was no land

I never really held that kind hand

When I thought I had something

To hold on

That something nourished me

Kept me going

Those kind eyes swept me off

And now I wonder what I was doing?

That it was all a mirage

That kept me alive

That it was never real

For a moment I was given what I wanted

To keep me alive

To put a smile on my face

To pick me up from the dirt of the earth

But it was never real

It's gone

And here I am smiling alone.

Downside of Feminity

I do not know how to control the ultra feminine parts inside. For example, mood swings. I look like a bird and sting like a bee sometimes. For men it's a part of their lives to handle it but what about women? It may take me a second to crush my cool dude persona. But again we will know what someone we like do not likes. If we can avoid it we should or else what is the value of having a relationship? Why do we understand and repeat our mistakes over and over?

This is not a consolatory or confessional piece. It's a justification of my actions. I can't cope with her superficiality, stupidity, passivity, and flirting any more. I give her more than she deserves and all I want that she spares me of all the subtle taunts, insults, and attempts to make me jealous. And not to mention all the disgusting gifts and all the thoughts of associating most things with her. Why?

I am that arrogant, that I want first class accommodation in someones heart when it counts or else I just don't want to be there at all. And no one should fool with a creative person who is bound to be complex inside and can well be turbulent with unresolved traumatic memories.

Moving On

It's been two years you are gone
And I am still searching for you
I find a strange pattern in the songs
Playing on late night FM
I hear you in them
I read our story in them
I rush to the door
I thought I heard you knock
Through the magic eye
I see none
You are gone
But I...
I am still waiting
I imagine your cheek against mine
When the lights are off
I wait to feel your arms
But all that embraces me
Is the eternal darkness around
And arms of strangers
In which I retire, tired worn out
I die a thousand times everyday
Thinking about the moments we lived
I have moved on
I cant move on
Caught in a time warp
Caught in the monstrosity of love
And I do walk in the valley of death
I fear no one
I walk with the hope
That you are just out there
Waiting for me...
To hold me again.

An Island

Time and again I have returned to my former state of being an island surrounded by the waters of loneliness. I recently ended my lent period of more than two years. During that time I have started enjoying all my deprivations, sacrifices, and challenging situations. Over the years, I have realized that monetary losses are something that have affected me severely. I do not want to go into the details but sometimes things happen which border on the paranormal. I just cannot figure out why or how I lost my chain and pendant, a gift from my mother. Spend the night almost going through all the places where I may have dropped it without any luck. It felt as if something had just taken it out from my neck to keep as souvenir. I still continue hearing those mysterious voices though physically I don't feel the presence.

Let's talk about my other losses. My friends and lovers at the old place. They are all gone. We are not a world apart but such is the mentality of people, that they give up on someone too early. Thinking about losses pulls you down into the infinite abyss of misery. I do not want to indulge my pain. But how do I make up for everything I lost? How do I get back the precious time. The clock ticks and pulls me towards my ultimate destiny and I know what it is. I do not know how to hold back the hope since, I am so near the real end. I am the island which shall soon not entertain or receive any more visitors.

Shallow Person

Silly and some shallow people in my life there are. I should be flushing them down but instead end up serenading them. For example, for years I have been trying to do face sketch. I tried but it just did not work out. Only recently I started making great progress. I had chosen a model or rather a subject from office. I thought she should have felt honored and special. I tagged her sketch in FB so her friends can see.

I don't know what the hush is about her and me. The same photos she had in her profile,  I drew. I don't know why she had to remove the tag. On one hand she shows my sketches to people and on the other hand she removes the tag so that people can't see. I hate this because this hushed up stupidity repels me. I am not in love with her. We are not doing anything forbidden. It was not a nude sketch of hers.

I so god damn hate myself. I succeeded yet the success brought more bitterness as the happiness did not last. There is so much difference between art and life. Some people just don't get it.

My Rose Day Date

It would have been so much easier
Had we remained strangers
'Coz I saw what I had  to see
And I can't see any more,
As I leave the sea shore;
A sea of tears
And I can't see any more now .
Yes it's better you leave me
'Coz I can never leave you
Standing there bading farewell
I wished you saw
I wished...
But wishes are not realities
But heart has its frailties
It feels and it dies
With the lows and the highs.
And I wished for more time
O' I wish I had more time...

God chanted...Enchanted

I have started finding meaning
In your 'Nos'
That is how my story goes
Can I be special to you?
I know not how
You are my goddess
Before whom I bow.

I wish you could come down once
On this Earth
In this heart
Held my hand and looked in my eyes
Love me just one day
Made me special

Wish you could see
What I feel for you
How much I care
Wish I could share
How I feel missing you
How I do not want to let you go
How I forget the world,
When I am with you.

I don't want to make you mine
Or cry for you since you love another
I don't want you
To be with me...
I'll give you the freedom
To choose
To leave me
To forget me
I can see you go
I love you so...
I hope you will come back...
If my love you know.

The Time Comes to an End...

Christmas is round the corner
It's also time for me to wrap up
The year shall end and so shall my stay...
I wish we had more time together.

I do recall the first time I saw you on the floor
You looked detached...arrogant at times
But you looked at me with all attention
You held my gaze.
It pinned itself on my psyche
Your sharp face.

I found your name on the newsletter
I do recall the day we smiled
In the restroom
I do remember, I introduced myself at lunch
The story began there and ran off.

Now I know just one intoxication
Which lies in the deep brown depths of your eyes
I shall miss talking to them with mine
I will miss catching in them the golden sun shine.

Not to miss the sweetness of your accented language...
Not to miss the rough feel of your palms...
Not to miss your pixie smile...
Not to miss your expressive face...
Not to miss what you felt for me...
It...will take me a while.

Will you forget me?
Will you remember the times?
I do not know.
I just hope you do...
'Coz I can't help expecting just this bit from you.

Running Away Again

I am going through the worst phase of life where repeated sincere attempts to change my condition is failing. It's been such a long long time since anything has worked in my favour.

The rainy weather and pms worsens the feeling and makes grim reality grimmer. I can't look at smiling faces anymore, I have no interest in eating, I am tired of talking and smiling. I can see the ever cheerful, optimistic, impulsive, and passionate person in me taking its last few breaths.

I am dying I know and I also know when people give up or kill themselves. That gruesome hopelessness which kills them. I am not depressed but the reality kills me. The growing rise of prices and no hikes at work place in spite of great performance which has been acknowledged. I don't have money to afford a great living or luxuries. I have no one to travel with. I have friends who only want benefits from me. I have loved and been sincere only to be made to feel small and insignificant. My self esteem has fallen off. Are the times that bad since all seem to be pretty well off?

Love redeems everything but I have no luck. The love which just did not get acknowledged. Why does that someone feel so much in conflict to acknowledge it? We are not friends, did we not know it? What are we? Work place buddies...time pass, casual date, friends, soul buddies, mentor-mentee...what are we? I do not want to put labels...but did you not say that the distance between us depends on the strength of our relationship and I am near you?

Then why? I have given you space and I have never demanded anything. I have killed my wishes...swallowed my pain and expectations...How much can I assert?

Why are you breaking both of us? Everything can coexist. They need not know so long you acknowledge this between us...we two.

What kind of rejection do you fear? This is not your self esteem but arrogance or ignorance or is it only skin deep?

You are in conflicts and doubts about what you feel for me. Please clear it up and decide with your own mind and not that someone's who I despise. I also want to tell you that I am not divided (committed to anyone) as you are...and you have the power of making me leave everything and running away again.

Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

You made my heart bleed today

And I can't stand there

Seeing you taken away

I can't look into your eyes

I can't stop myself from telling

I love you...I can't see this...

I am going to leave soon

I am down in an abyss and can't rise

Your smile and happiness

Your honesty and goodness

I know I can't be anywhere

But I love you

Without wanting you

Without trying to control you

And I will never tell you...

I will just love you...

As you said words are not required

I will love you silently

Worship you...

I just give up because nothing can control my heart...just looking at you smiling is enough and I know now why people run away from love...from impossible love because they can't see themselves destroyed by the loss........................I can't see you becoming someone else's...............Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

Lonely at Work

At times when I am extremely busy at work, a friendly touch...may be charity, work good for me. I am human after all. How long can I just ignore these?

Sometimes people make you feel so special and their actions surprise you. Some times you get positive friendly vibes and become friends. They start becoming a part of your life though not the most important part. Then they suddenly disappear or play up their mood swings. Every relationship requires nurture in some way...especially when you have close physical proximity. But it seems everything is a lie rather than an illusion.

I do swear that I will not walk that lane again and I promise not to be taken for granted.

I drown inside a deluge of work
With phone calls, emails, meetings, and reviews.
She hardly cares nowadays
Did she ever care
I am so amazed
Is she just like the others
Vain and carefree really?
And I thought sunny side will be up always
That tower of positivity
Is now razed
I am a fool
I have been a fool
I am so sincere in my work
But I have no light moments to share
I really have no one who cares
With no one at home
A smile at work means so much to me
A smile, a kind word, a pat, and some charity.
No judgment though
Only some bits of gaiety.
I don't even have chat buddies at work
I am so blue at times.
More so because she hardly cares nowadays
When only lately she seemed fine.
I don't expect much...
Because for her...
I may be just a time pass.

Hello...knock knock...wake up Aeon!

I do not not know how to handle this situation, I am in. Sometimes I think am I giving it too much of importance? There is someone at office towards whom, I felt a connection from the first time our eyes met. We both must have been interested but hardly showed it. I know it is pretty much obvious to the person how much I care about her. It is something that I have just not been able to control. If I think I will stay aloof, I give away as soon as she is around or near me. I am kind and sweet to her. We do pull each others legs but I kind of feel that she treats all of her other coworkers equally. I tried to find a sign and all I find is that the way we look into each others eyes is deep and long. This is similar to all my past romantic relationships based on mutual liking and attraction. Apart from this I don't know what to do. I want to leave this city for good with a better life but I cannot leave her. Her life is where her boyfriend is so I must give up and just shift delete everything. In conditions like this one, it is difficult to maintain a smooth friendship. I struggle with it every day. I hate it. I feel so sorry to feel so negative about it but isn't it hopeless for a married bisexual atheist struggling with a career and personal life gone very wrong to be in love with a relation committed staunch Catholic girl from a different community and station in life? On top of this are the malevolent memories I have of my past relationships. Why do I actually need something meaningful with her? Can it not be just like...We are mutual friends with benefits? I cannot be so superficial. Whenever she is with me, she shares or tries to share the moment with her boyfriend. Perhaps she enjoys her moments with me but misses him and loves him to the extent of wanting to include him in it. So she shares her instant action reports with him to my dismay. Should I not just leave her alone? I wish I can tell her this. All that I manage to do is making her feel just the opposite. I should just let her be and soon she will forget me. I should avoid rather than stop paying her the attention that I do. Ignore her and not insult or offend her. The problem is, I don't want her to think that I was time passing with her. But what difference it makes of what she thinks? There is no future in watering this plant so let the weeds choke it. She is well covered. She has her family though they are far off. She has her kind flatmates and her former best friends. Though she never mentioned, she must be having other guy friends. At the work place she is treated nicely. Last but not the least she has her love. Why am I trying to fit in? I am actually no where. Hello...knock knock wake up Aeon!

Aside: Oops whenever 'am writing a blog post about her, she's around :P

Love or Something Like it

It felt awful to slog out at office. Though I did not have a deadline, I had a ticking in head to finish all the work on Saturday rather than sitting on it the next week. Working on a Saturday itself is horrible.

I did not know how to react to her boyfriend booking movie tickets for us. Fast forward and we are walking down a tree-lined lane which is a shortcut to reduce the auto fare. Thanks to my avid map knowledge we pulled the thing pretty well. We reached the mall, freshened up and moved to the food court. Well I do like to compete against my younger counterpart in terms of attracting attention and I did score more. I was terribly elated inside. On the other hand it's actually awful because I like her so much. I think I am in love with her. Her happiness, her smile, her well being matters so much to me. She feels totally at ease as she talks about her best friend and boyfriend. I listen patiently. Then we come upon a VW servicing center and she offers to take me around her native place in her VW car.

The day progresses into lunch, then movie, auto rides, crowded bus rides, beach, sea water, dinner, car drop home. Such a long long time spent with a girl. I don't know when was the last time I spent so much time with a girl. I still feel the emptiness because I see her with her boyfriend. She is sitting beside him in the car. She tends his painful shoulder and then mine when he is gone for a short while. She is shocked at the powerful deltoids as I tell her, about my years of weight training. I tend her shoulders but she find it tickling. I brush her hair from her face and inch towards her as she tries to show me a crab. I could almost feel her face against mine when her guy returns and says something to startle us.

I cannot expect much. I like her guy a lot and I think they are a great couple. But my single life stings me like a nettle when I see them both. I am also not jealous but it hurts somewhere because I have feelings for her. And it hurts more that she is a kind and honest girl who is attracted to me in some way.

As I get down from the car and she wants to come up...I say it's late and bid goodbye to the sweetest couple in this world. I do leave behind something in the back seat, a few drops of secret tears.

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My dedication to you...chand chupa badal mei sharmake meri jaane jaana...I saw the orange moon...I saw your face

My Karva Chauth Date

How do I feel

Just looking at you?

They just pass by, the hours…

Me just looking into your eyes

With a smile on my lips…

Sketching you on the canvas of my heart,

While you turn to go and I call your name

You do not seem to hear it

So I call again… once twice thrice till all hear it.

And you run to me asking what is it that you called?

So I take your name again

To make you blush.

And I want to steal you away

From this world

Take you where we can lie on the sand.

Counting the stars.

One two three four

They blink like glow worms…

I look at you,

To trace the silhouette of your sharp face,

Against the moon.

I come to my senses,

And I realize,

We have sat for eternity,

At that table,

Just looking at each other.

Roots...

Rarely do I have any spare time at office and even if I have, I try to be productive. I ended up going through some NRI bong blogs on traditional bengali food and cooking.

I did not imagine the effect it would have on me. It almost made me tearful as I browsed through several recipes which I had not tasted for years and ages. Some of these very East bengal delicacies such as 'muitha' and 'chanchra'. I don't know if I will ever be able to eat fish like that again. Sitting in chennai, I think even people abroad are better off since they get to buy stuff (packed river fish) easily than I do at 'Namma Chennai'.

Who ever said I lost my roots. A part of me was an arrogant, traditional, and passionate 'bangal' and I still am one. Even years of toil in the most challenging places and serial culture shocks have not changed me. I still have a sense of superiority on my roots and I always will.

The Titanic...

I have struggled to protect the private me from the rest of the world. A lot of people may describe me as flamboyant, in the face or too open about myself. However, they are wrong. They do not know how difficult it is to pretend everyday. pretend that you are strong, happy, and confident. It is so difficult to admit that I am a loser and a jerk. I am still standing in the same place and it's been ages now. I have tried my level best to take control of everything, hopelessly and meticulously failing in everything. It's ok to be all these but what are the reasons, I don't have a clue. Don't I deserve a good job... a great guy...a comfortable life? I am smart and intelligent...people call me gifted...I am attractive...I am well-educated...What is the problem?

The boy, I was in love with found marital bliss in someone else's arms and as if that was not depressing enough, came back in my life pretending to be a friend when all he wanted me to be was a friend with benefits. The girl, the love of my life came back with promises of repairing our relationship when all she really wanted was some playful distraction from her boring half baked life and career. My work and office, the less said is better as it will take me from being depressed to suicidal.

So what is this private me? A twisted mangled mass of metal, much like the WTC structure after the towers fell. Assumed to be ever powerful but in reality, the Titanic of sorrows and erroneous calculations, which is sinking.