Running Away Again

I am going through the worst phase of life where repeated sincere attempts to change my condition is failing. It's been such a long long time since anything has worked in my favour.

The rainy weather and pms worsens the feeling and makes grim reality grimmer. I can't look at smiling faces anymore, I have no interest in eating, I am tired of talking and smiling. I can see the ever cheerful, optimistic, impulsive, and passionate person in me taking its last few breaths.

I am dying I know and I also know when people give up or kill themselves. That gruesome hopelessness which kills them. I am not depressed but the reality kills me. The growing rise of prices and no hikes at work place in spite of great performance which has been acknowledged. I don't have money to afford a great living or luxuries. I have no one to travel with. I have friends who only want benefits from me. I have loved and been sincere only to be made to feel small and insignificant. My self esteem has fallen off. Are the times that bad since all seem to be pretty well off?

Love redeems everything but I have no luck. The love which just did not get acknowledged. Why does that someone feel so much in conflict to acknowledge it? We are not friends, did we not know it? What are we? Work place buddies...time pass, casual date, friends, soul buddies, mentor-mentee...what are we? I do not want to put labels...but did you not say that the distance between us depends on the strength of our relationship and I am near you?

Then why? I have given you space and I have never demanded anything. I have killed my wishes...swallowed my pain and expectations...How much can I assert?

Why are you breaking both of us? Everything can coexist. They need not know so long you acknowledge this between us...we two.

What kind of rejection do you fear? This is not your self esteem but arrogance or ignorance or is it only skin deep?

You are in conflicts and doubts about what you feel for me. Please clear it up and decide with your own mind and not that someone's who I despise. I also want to tell you that I am not divided (committed to anyone) as you are...and you have the power of making me leave everything and running away again.