My Two Year Exile

Over the barren strange land which threatened to crush me, I never got attached to anything. May be just the gushing waters of Bay of Bengal and the sad lonely moon. Then one day, when I got struck and lay there looking at myself crippled...along came chant of God. But now it is gone...every bit of solace it brought and the happy surprises which followed the ignorant pain in a city called...never mind.

For two years I had drifted alone

Without land in sight

Then you came

You sheltered me

And now I think how could it be?

That I was happy with a mirage

There was no land

I never really held that kind hand

When I thought I had something

To hold on

That something nourished me

Kept me going

Those kind eyes swept me off

And now I wonder what I was doing?

That it was all a mirage

That kept me alive

That it was never real

For a moment I was given what I wanted

To keep me alive

To put a smile on my face

To pick me up from the dirt of the earth

But it was never real

It's gone

And here I am smiling alone.

Of Puzzles and Pichutan...

I thought with the passage of time and accumulation of experience, the mysteries and puzzles of life and relationships will be easier to understand. How wrong I was...because it seems to be an unending labyrinth of complexities. I am not totally lost in it but tired of trying to understand it. Why do people behave the way they behave? When they hurt others and sometimes they hurt the ones who are closest to them. My perceptive and sensitive mind and heart has started closing their doors to any emotions or feelings. I will live life like a warrior and that is what I was in my past lives. Unfortunately, there is no glory in fighting any more.

My sensitivity is heightening with each passage of day and it's scary. It is not what I enjoy any more. I am able to feel things, feel the law of relativity. It is scary as I do not know whether it is my mortal body which gives me this power. I am done with my part even though I am young and I know the time will come very soon if something does not interfere with crux of things. Am I afraid of dying? Not at all. I have always loved journeys but my 'pichutan', a bengali word meaning what holds me back are my parents. I wish they have the strength to find their sustenance and mental strength after I am gone.

Living with Both of You

I am bound to you in an eternal bond of worship.
You left me but the empty bed still feels warm with your warmth and my hands still feels your life force.
You ask me to live and you know that in this string of worship, she is also there.
Somewhere with us, beside us, between us.
I cover your eyes with my palm and see her nose and lips.
Why did you both have to be so vivid a reflection of each other?
Her mortal body left me and your heart is parked somewhere else...
And both of you ask me to live?

There were days when I fell asleep near her feet
Holding them close to my heart
There were days
When the morning sun would fade out
When she opened her dreamy eyes
To look into mine
And I feel you holding me close
Just letting your lips
Touch my heart
And I remember those mornings
The same feeling when your ruggedness just melts out to her...
I hug her to wake her up
But she closes her eyes
And I know...
My cool skin after the bath and cologne
Can feel her long eye lashes, her long nose, and sleepy lips
Between the open buttons of my shirt...

I shudder and hold her away
Lest she read my heart beat...
I shudder again...
But you hold me close...
And don't let me go...
And I feel your weight on me...
And I know she is nowhere...
And you tell me...
Stop thinking...

Moving On

It's been two years you are gone
And I am still searching for you
I find a strange pattern in the songs
Playing on late night FM
I hear you in them
I read our story in them
I rush to the door
I thought I heard you knock
Through the magic eye
I see none
You are gone
But I...
I am still waiting
I imagine your cheek against mine
When the lights are off
I wait to feel your arms
But all that embraces me
Is the eternal darkness around
And arms of strangers
In which I retire, tired worn out
I die a thousand times everyday
Thinking about the moments we lived
I have moved on
I cant move on
Caught in a time warp
Caught in the monstrosity of love
And I do walk in the valley of death
I fear no one
I walk with the hope
That you are just out there
Waiting for me...
To hold me again.

Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

You made my heart bleed today

And I can't stand there

Seeing you taken away

I can't look into your eyes

I can't stop myself from telling

I love you...I can't see this...

I am going to leave soon

I am down in an abyss and can't rise

Your smile and happiness

Your honesty and goodness

I know I can't be anywhere

But I love you

Without wanting you

Without trying to control you

And I will never tell you...

I will just love you...

As you said words are not required

I will love you silently

Worship you...

I just give up because nothing can control my heart...just looking at you smiling is enough and I know now why people run away from love...from impossible love because they can't see themselves destroyed by the loss........................I can't see you becoming someone else's...............Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

Can't let go...

Life teaches you lessons in strange ways. I always found it difficult to let go of stuff to which I was badly attached. After all I hardly got attached to anything.

I have been in a love-hate relationship with someone for the past decade. It always was made to look as if it was one-sided. It means that only I was feeling it. However, now I am sure it was never one-sided. It was sadistic and the other person felt an uncanny pleasure of screwing me emotionally.

I do not know, how many times I got screwed on the bed of cruelty wrapped in a sheet of denial. I never quite got my orgasm so I was always pursuing this person. It was also not 100% ignore also on that person’s part. It came and went at different times of life. Graduation, new job, promotion, marriage, breakage…the person came and went. Recently, I started to realize that this person had paranoid urges always and I was suffering from an incorrigible obsession. Both of us need psychological help. At least with reference to our relation, which was apparently nothing but actually something extremely powerful and destructive. Our families now know our stories and I don’t think they approve of it.

I blocked this person in FB and then unblocked. After having a nasty face off and being yelled at…I am still hopeful of reconciliation. Soon after FB blocking, I went to pursue and find out this person. I did after much toil and humiliation, only to be refused again. By this time, I had send another invitation. So another patch up attempt. This got accepted on a particular night and that night being quite unaware of this development, I send my nastiest sms in recent times which again lead to a deluge of smses back and forth between us. Accusations and stuff we had already cleared. But there was a reason. Nobody seems to understand my point of view. I pursued this person this time because I was worried as that person was not picking up my calls. Did answer my sms with ‘am ok’, but I wanted to be sure. I also needed to meet up after such long long years in between. If we’re friends shouldn’t everything be understandable. What was the reason for avoidance when we were meeting socially and not all alone?

What is the reason with this vacillation? On top of all this is the additional mystery of the spousal interference. Not from my side but from that person’s side. Why not just ignore if I am a ‘nobody’. Why threaten me? Because I am after all a VIP in that person’s life. I have my influence. It’s so ridiculous. So what’s the lesson? Nothing really…I know I can’t let go.

Kya mai wohi hu?

This is again written last year...don't remember the occasion...may be before going to hyderabad....

Dekhti hu aaine me jab
Khud ko
Sochti hu
Kya mai wohi hu...

Raste mei tum jab
Mile the
Humraahi hum dono the
Manzil tha kya ek hi?

Kitne badal chuke hai hum?
Samajh to nahi aata
Jab se dil me tum rehne lagi
Hum to ho gaye lapata.

Kya tum hume kabhi chor
Gaye akele?
Kya tumne mera dil tora?
Nahi meri jaan tumne to mujhe
Khoyi hui zindagi se jora.

Par chandni bhi kho jaati hai
Badal mei taare chup jaate hai
Baarish ki boondein chaat ke upar
Mujhe meri dost ki yaad dilate hai.

Kyu ke chand mei bhi tum
Muskuraate ho
Hawah ke jhoke banke
Mujhe behlaate ho.

Raat mei gehri neend mei
Kya liya kabhi unka naam?
Mere andhere ki roshni kahan gayi
Aansu bas takiye pe chupa liya yuhi.

Pata nahi kitne likhe hai paigam unko
Yun dil hi dil mei
Kabhi bheje nahi the unko
Jo hoth mei ghee lagake sote hai
Aur neend mei nanhe fariste lagte hai

Wohi jinka muskaan meri tarah hai
Hazaar volt ki lagti hai
Par gussa bhi wah wah hai
Twister typhoon cyclone ka jhoka hai
Aur rote jab hai
Humko bhi rulaate hai
Aur humko takleef hoti hai…

Woh haamare dost hai
Woh haamare behn hai
Woh hamaara pyar hai
Woh dil ki chayan hai…

Jab bhi unka naam liya hai
Jab bhi unko yaad kiya hai
Har mushkil asaan huyi hai
Manzil humko mil bhi gayi hai

Bas yeh dua hum karte hai
Hum hamesha yuhi paas paas rahe
Baat naa kare …naa hi mile
Bas apne hi kaam mei maan lagaaye

Kabhi kabhi mile
Aur khub ladai kare,
Fir gale milke bichar jaaye.
Kyu ke tumhaare bina mai jee nahi sakti
Naa jaane kyu tumse mai itna pyar karti
Kuch bhi... sirf aapke liye
Bin aapke hum kaise jiye?

The Memories

You will never understand

When I stood there you walked straight into my heart

Now I just stand desolate and wonder what to do

I have lived just for you I have buried all my pain deep inside my heart

A graveyard of dreams and desires

I have drank my tears silently

Life’s those moments have returned over and over again

The memories have hit me like thunder bolts

There are so many questions

What were my desires, what did I want

What I got ?

Just graveyards of dreams.

Dreams rotting deep in the ground of my heart

This World has cheated me, love has cheated me

How much have I endured

Still I pined still I yearned.

Just for you.

I have walked and crushed the feelings of so many

Just because your love has made me incapable.

Incapable to feel again.