Long Long Time...

It was a double bonus for me reconnecting with friends after a long long time. One of them I met after a gap of about a year and the other perhaps 10 years or more.

I really needed the hugs, the kindness, and the giggles from both.

I don't believe in God or else I would definitely say this was God's smile and present to me. Also my new year was spent with a friend who cooked for me.

Yet today I am reduced to a cry baby because I do miss a friend who was once with me on a new year. I slept off on her shoulder with an open mouth while watching a movie. I never knew how I reached home and  was tucked away in bed.

I will never see her again or may be I will see her photos. I will never kiss her cheek again. We will never hug again. No more drives together or no hand feeding me food or scolding me.

People die and some die too soon. She died and a very significant part of me died with her.

I don't know what eats me inside? Is it her or is it my part which has departed with her which no husband, boyfriend, friend, family or anyone can bring back.

 

Enough of you and me and they...

You are compelled by your own reasons
You think they make sense
I asked you let me know if you reached safely
I know you will
Yet you never send a word
Do you think that hurt heals with counter hurting
You see through that lense
You dont know its just a mirror
You just see yourself
You don't see me.

I don't need a reason to...
Spend time with you
To dine with you
To buy medicines for you
To take care of you
To forgive your rashness
To forgive your stupidity
To see you wasting yourself with others
To hold you when you are your tipsy self.

And yet you come back..
Over and over
With your pain
You think I am kind
I won't ask, I won't judge, I won't tell.
But I am human,
And I can't take this anymore.
Enough of you and me and they...
Think about us...'US'

Love-Connection-Failure

Failures are the stepping stones to success. What happens when failures are of the people we love.  What is it about love that matters?  Just the emotion, the kick it gives or the connection? There was a girl who was the love of my life and then the guy came along. A copyrighted guy.   A guy who could never be mine. Though I remained his forever. Wait we were talking about love and failure. The two women I have been in love with. Without any doubt what I felt, what I wouldn't do for them. The two women who had the blessings of the creator in every way. Why did they waste their potential? Why did they have everything but threw it away to embrace anonymity? Who were they in love with so much to go for such annihilation? Who was I in love with to let their failures affect me so much?  I loved to walk on thorns  and never cared about the darkness. Have I not failed too that my love could not lift these two hapless souls? They went away…faded away lest their gloom engulfs and destroys my life. What kind of love is it?

Over the Jebel Mountains...

Over the other side of the mountains lies someone who I so much care about, I stood in the Jebel mountains on the side of Oman, thinking. I could almost hear her breathing in the winds. It was hot and humid but the beauty was breathtaking. ‘Just half an hour to Dubai Memsaab,’ my guide said. Could he read the loss on my face, the sadness in my eyes?

Six degrees of separation between us when so many times I travelled. I do not feel anxious for this person as she is with her blood relations. Just I was feeling a bit happy looking at the’ tangri kebabs’ which she loved as a dish, the words of the past echo in my ears…’Well, I have my priorities…’. Like glass bowl shattering upon concrete, I feel as I shut the door and lock it once again. A door of our memories together. I don’t leave them in the Jebel mountains in her land. I leave a part of myself there.

My Two Year Exile

Over the barren strange land which threatened to crush me, I never got attached to anything. May be just the gushing waters of Bay of Bengal and the sad lonely moon. Then one day, when I got struck and lay there looking at myself crippled...along came chant of God. But now it is gone...every bit of solace it brought and the happy surprises which followed the ignorant pain in a city called...never mind.

For two years I had drifted alone

Without land in sight

Then you came

You sheltered me

And now I think how could it be?

That I was happy with a mirage

There was no land

I never really held that kind hand

When I thought I had something

To hold on

That something nourished me

Kept me going

Those kind eyes swept me off

And now I wonder what I was doing?

That it was all a mirage

That kept me alive

That it was never real

For a moment I was given what I wanted

To keep me alive

To put a smile on my face

To pick me up from the dirt of the earth

But it was never real

It's gone

And here I am smiling alone.

Of Puzzles and Pichutan...

I thought with the passage of time and accumulation of experience, the mysteries and puzzles of life and relationships will be easier to understand. How wrong I was...because it seems to be an unending labyrinth of complexities. I am not totally lost in it but tired of trying to understand it. Why do people behave the way they behave? When they hurt others and sometimes they hurt the ones who are closest to them. My perceptive and sensitive mind and heart has started closing their doors to any emotions or feelings. I will live life like a warrior and that is what I was in my past lives. Unfortunately, there is no glory in fighting any more.

My sensitivity is heightening with each passage of day and it's scary. It is not what I enjoy any more. I am able to feel things, feel the law of relativity. It is scary as I do not know whether it is my mortal body which gives me this power. I am done with my part even though I am young and I know the time will come very soon if something does not interfere with crux of things. Am I afraid of dying? Not at all. I have always loved journeys but my 'pichutan', a bengali word meaning what holds me back are my parents. I wish they have the strength to find their sustenance and mental strength after I am gone.

Living with Both of You

I am bound to you in an eternal bond of worship.
You left me but the empty bed still feels warm with your warmth and my hands still feels your life force.
You ask me to live and you know that in this string of worship, she is also there.
Somewhere with us, beside us, between us.
I cover your eyes with my palm and see her nose and lips.
Why did you both have to be so vivid a reflection of each other?
Her mortal body left me and your heart is parked somewhere else...
And both of you ask me to live?

There were days when I fell asleep near her feet
Holding them close to my heart
There were days
When the morning sun would fade out
When she opened her dreamy eyes
To look into mine
And I feel you holding me close
Just letting your lips
Touch my heart
And I remember those mornings
The same feeling when your ruggedness just melts out to her...
I hug her to wake her up
But she closes her eyes
And I know...
My cool skin after the bath and cologne
Can feel her long eye lashes, her long nose, and sleepy lips
Between the open buttons of my shirt...

I shudder and hold her away
Lest she read my heart beat...
I shudder again...
But you hold me close...
And don't let me go...
And I feel your weight on me...
And I know she is nowhere...
And you tell me...
Stop thinking...

Moving On

It's been two years you are gone
And I am still searching for you
I find a strange pattern in the songs
Playing on late night FM
I hear you in them
I read our story in them
I rush to the door
I thought I heard you knock
Through the magic eye
I see none
You are gone
But I...
I am still waiting
I imagine your cheek against mine
When the lights are off
I wait to feel your arms
But all that embraces me
Is the eternal darkness around
And arms of strangers
In which I retire, tired worn out
I die a thousand times everyday
Thinking about the moments we lived
I have moved on
I cant move on
Caught in a time warp
Caught in the monstrosity of love
And I do walk in the valley of death
I fear no one
I walk with the hope
That you are just out there
Waiting for me...
To hold me again.

An Island

Time and again I have returned to my former state of being an island surrounded by the waters of loneliness. I recently ended my lent period of more than two years. During that time I have started enjoying all my deprivations, sacrifices, and challenging situations. Over the years, I have realized that monetary losses are something that have affected me severely. I do not want to go into the details but sometimes things happen which border on the paranormal. I just cannot figure out why or how I lost my chain and pendant, a gift from my mother. Spend the night almost going through all the places where I may have dropped it without any luck. It felt as if something had just taken it out from my neck to keep as souvenir. I still continue hearing those mysterious voices though physically I don't feel the presence.

Let's talk about my other losses. My friends and lovers at the old place. They are all gone. We are not a world apart but such is the mentality of people, that they give up on someone too early. Thinking about losses pulls you down into the infinite abyss of misery. I do not want to indulge my pain. But how do I make up for everything I lost? How do I get back the precious time. The clock ticks and pulls me towards my ultimate destiny and I know what it is. I do not know how to hold back the hope since, I am so near the real end. I am the island which shall soon not entertain or receive any more visitors.

Poem Of a Lost Soul

There was a time when I was happy
Not fulfilled but happy
I would not try to find ways
To give myself pain
Why should any situations or anyone give me pain,
If I am secure myself,
If I know how to handle things?
But it's so horrible what I am feeling now.
When you are at cross roads
Found your identity
Been a rebel
Found your freedom
And that's it
You were all that you had
You still have yourself.
Is that a failure?
Is that a victory?
But I am losing myself fast.
With every passage of a year,
I am stronger
But the damage happens, is imminent
Though the delay time varies.
I need stability
I need more than myself to be alive.
It is time when I cannot
Hide any more
It's like erupting lava from earth's core.
I cannot control myself...anymore.
Tired of being a lost ship,
I need to find my shore.

My Rose Day Date

It would have been so much easier
Had we remained strangers
'Coz I saw what I had  to see
And I can't see any more,
As I leave the sea shore;
A sea of tears
And I can't see any more now .
Yes it's better you leave me
'Coz I can never leave you
Standing there bading farewell
I wished you saw
I wished...
But wishes are not realities
But heart has its frailties
It feels and it dies
With the lows and the highs.
And I wished for more time
O' I wish I had more time...

Baseless Cruelty from Friends

All instances of unkindness, cruelty, or insensitivity from close people should be dealt strictly. This is especially valid when such behavior is repeated. Any relation cannot be close or special if it does not bring in some amount of self respect. When you care about someone and sometimes without conditions and judgment, that someone can at least reply you with some respect and affection. They should understand your feelings and keep their communication transparent.

I don't think people who we have treated kindly have any right to treat us badly or insult us. We should not let this hurt affect us. Move on by ignoring the person in the future since life is very short to waste and wait on people. But yes, give them time and chance to explain. If they seem unaffected or take you for granted, you know what to do.

Best of luck!

My Chant of God in God's Own Country

You stood there looking into my eyes as I turned away
I don't know if this is the right time
But I am coming after you anyway
I gazed on to the night sky
On my journey towards you
The moon taunted me
I don't know if I am in love
You just you, I only wanted to see
I could hear the crickets singing in the jungle
The birds singing in the tree
I can hear his heart beat
Feel his breath
As he made love to me
I closed my eyes
I was so full of you
I wanted you desperately

I sat in the sunset
Gazing into the red depths of the sky
All was red
And it bled
All was red in my love and in the sun
And into your arms
I wanted to run.
I thought of my memory
With you on the beach and I closed my eyes
I lay down in peace
Your hair fell on my face
I don't believe it was the breeze.

And I can feel you were not there,
So I journeyed again
To lose you one more time
Your dry hands, I love,
And every mark on it
Has my destiny written.
And those big brown eyes
Drain me...ravage me
I totally give up.

I had to go there
Because you were there
And I came back
Before...with you
It was all my destiny
I had to be here
To love you.
I fear and wake in the night
Thinking I will lose you.
And don't you know
That I couldn't just see you go...
And when I feel blue
I just spend my time...
Sketching you...

And I did call you...
In my sleep...in my awakenings
In my smiles, in my tears...
My chant of God...
In God's own country
To the hills, to the woods
To the sky, to the sea
I prayed for a lil place...
In your heart my lady.

God chanted...Enchanted

I have started finding meaning
In your 'Nos'
That is how my story goes
Can I be special to you?
I know not how
You are my goddess
Before whom I bow.

I wish you could come down once
On this Earth
In this heart
Held my hand and looked in my eyes
Love me just one day
Made me special

Wish you could see
What I feel for you
How much I care
Wish I could share
How I feel missing you
How I do not want to let you go
How I forget the world,
When I am with you.

I don't want to make you mine
Or cry for you since you love another
I don't want you
To be with me...
I'll give you the freedom
To choose
To leave me
To forget me
I can see you go
I love you so...
I hope you will come back...
If my love you know.

When the Heart Overpowers the Mind

I am not in a situation to give advice to anyone on this. I want to ignore and move on but unable to. The object of my affection makes me weak in this. It is also the Christmas season and just like Dassera or Diwali, it is a season to give unconditionally. I have always done that. I have loved and not expected anything from that someone. Just some time, some undivided time, priority, and importance once in a while. Is that too much to ask for?

I have to move on and concentrate on the priorities of life. This is not the time for all this. Of getting weak in the heart. I am also not in the focus zone for that someone. I am just a time pass. Why is it so hard to understand that? When it is so very much explicit, why do I tend to meander into that someone's path? I should just leave by telling, I am not in this game.

The Time Comes to an End...

Christmas is round the corner
It's also time for me to wrap up
The year shall end and so shall my stay...
I wish we had more time together.

I do recall the first time I saw you on the floor
You looked detached...arrogant at times
But you looked at me with all attention
You held my gaze.
It pinned itself on my psyche
Your sharp face.

I found your name on the newsletter
I do recall the day we smiled
In the restroom
I do remember, I introduced myself at lunch
The story began there and ran off.

Now I know just one intoxication
Which lies in the deep brown depths of your eyes
I shall miss talking to them with mine
I will miss catching in them the golden sun shine.

Not to miss the sweetness of your accented language...
Not to miss the rough feel of your palms...
Not to miss your pixie smile...
Not to miss your expressive face...
Not to miss what you felt for me...
It...will take me a while.

Will you forget me?
Will you remember the times?
I do not know.
I just hope you do...
'Coz I can't help expecting just this bit from you.

Running Away Again

I am going through the worst phase of life where repeated sincere attempts to change my condition is failing. It's been such a long long time since anything has worked in my favour.

The rainy weather and pms worsens the feeling and makes grim reality grimmer. I can't look at smiling faces anymore, I have no interest in eating, I am tired of talking and smiling. I can see the ever cheerful, optimistic, impulsive, and passionate person in me taking its last few breaths.

I am dying I know and I also know when people give up or kill themselves. That gruesome hopelessness which kills them. I am not depressed but the reality kills me. The growing rise of prices and no hikes at work place in spite of great performance which has been acknowledged. I don't have money to afford a great living or luxuries. I have no one to travel with. I have friends who only want benefits from me. I have loved and been sincere only to be made to feel small and insignificant. My self esteem has fallen off. Are the times that bad since all seem to be pretty well off?

Love redeems everything but I have no luck. The love which just did not get acknowledged. Why does that someone feel so much in conflict to acknowledge it? We are not friends, did we not know it? What are we? Work place buddies...time pass, casual date, friends, soul buddies, mentor-mentee...what are we? I do not want to put labels...but did you not say that the distance between us depends on the strength of our relationship and I am near you?

Then why? I have given you space and I have never demanded anything. I have killed my wishes...swallowed my pain and expectations...How much can I assert?

Why are you breaking both of us? Everything can coexist. They need not know so long you acknowledge this between us...we two.

What kind of rejection do you fear? This is not your self esteem but arrogance or ignorance or is it only skin deep?

You are in conflicts and doubts about what you feel for me. Please clear it up and decide with your own mind and not that someone's who I despise. I also want to tell you that I am not divided (committed to anyone) as you are...and you have the power of making me leave everything and running away again.

Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

You made my heart bleed today

And I can't stand there

Seeing you taken away

I can't look into your eyes

I can't stop myself from telling

I love you...I can't see this...

I am going to leave soon

I am down in an abyss and can't rise

Your smile and happiness

Your honesty and goodness

I know I can't be anywhere

But I love you

Without wanting you

Without trying to control you

And I will never tell you...

I will just love you...

As you said words are not required

I will love you silently

Worship you...

I just give up because nothing can control my heart...just looking at you smiling is enough and I know now why people run away from love...from impossible love because they can't see themselves destroyed by the loss........................I can't see you becoming someone else's...............Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

Lonely at Work

At times when I am extremely busy at work, a friendly touch...may be charity, work good for me. I am human after all. How long can I just ignore these?

Sometimes people make you feel so special and their actions surprise you. Some times you get positive friendly vibes and become friends. They start becoming a part of your life though not the most important part. Then they suddenly disappear or play up their mood swings. Every relationship requires nurture in some way...especially when you have close physical proximity. But it seems everything is a lie rather than an illusion.

I do swear that I will not walk that lane again and I promise not to be taken for granted.

I drown inside a deluge of work
With phone calls, emails, meetings, and reviews.
She hardly cares nowadays
Did she ever care
I am so amazed
Is she just like the others
Vain and carefree really?
And I thought sunny side will be up always
That tower of positivity
Is now razed
I am a fool
I have been a fool
I am so sincere in my work
But I have no light moments to share
I really have no one who cares
With no one at home
A smile at work means so much to me
A smile, a kind word, a pat, and some charity.
No judgment though
Only some bits of gaiety.
I don't even have chat buddies at work
I am so blue at times.
More so because she hardly cares nowadays
When only lately she seemed fine.
I don't expect much...
Because for her...
I may be just a time pass.

Mistakes that We Repeat

'All flowers will fester
All false smiles will fade away soon
Friends may give you pain but they know it
But false friends give you hopes
And make you a buffoon.'

Why do we make mistakes even when we know we are making mistakes?
Is it our vulnerability?
Is it our heart which makes us weak?

What to do when the mistake stares at us creating a fool of us?

Sometimes it's better to accept that we are human. Laugh it and forget it, and become more careful. I needed to wake up and I did. I tried, failed...tried again. Don't know if I succeeded. But I am better off now.