Downside of Feminity

I do not know how to control the ultra feminine parts inside. For example, mood swings. I look like a bird and sting like a bee sometimes. For men it's a part of their lives to handle it but what about women? It may take me a second to crush my cool dude persona. But again we will know what someone we like do not likes. If we can avoid it we should or else what is the value of having a relationship? Why do we understand and repeat our mistakes over and over?

This is not a consolatory or confessional piece. It's a justification of my actions. I can't cope with her superficiality, stupidity, passivity, and flirting any more. I give her more than she deserves and all I want that she spares me of all the subtle taunts, insults, and attempts to make me jealous. And not to mention all the disgusting gifts and all the thoughts of associating most things with her. Why?

I am that arrogant, that I want first class accommodation in someones heart when it counts or else I just don't want to be there at all. And no one should fool with a creative person who is bound to be complex inside and can well be turbulent with unresolved traumatic memories.

Hello...knock knock...wake up Aeon!

I do not not know how to handle this situation, I am in. Sometimes I think am I giving it too much of importance? There is someone at office towards whom, I felt a connection from the first time our eyes met. We both must have been interested but hardly showed it. I know it is pretty much obvious to the person how much I care about her. It is something that I have just not been able to control. If I think I will stay aloof, I give away as soon as she is around or near me. I am kind and sweet to her. We do pull each others legs but I kind of feel that she treats all of her other coworkers equally. I tried to find a sign and all I find is that the way we look into each others eyes is deep and long. This is similar to all my past romantic relationships based on mutual liking and attraction. Apart from this I don't know what to do. I want to leave this city for good with a better life but I cannot leave her. Her life is where her boyfriend is so I must give up and just shift delete everything. In conditions like this one, it is difficult to maintain a smooth friendship. I struggle with it every day. I hate it. I feel so sorry to feel so negative about it but isn't it hopeless for a married bisexual atheist struggling with a career and personal life gone very wrong to be in love with a relation committed staunch Catholic girl from a different community and station in life? On top of this are the malevolent memories I have of my past relationships. Why do I actually need something meaningful with her? Can it not be just like...We are mutual friends with benefits? I cannot be so superficial. Whenever she is with me, she shares or tries to share the moment with her boyfriend. Perhaps she enjoys her moments with me but misses him and loves him to the extent of wanting to include him in it. So she shares her instant action reports with him to my dismay. Should I not just leave her alone? I wish I can tell her this. All that I manage to do is making her feel just the opposite. I should just let her be and soon she will forget me. I should avoid rather than stop paying her the attention that I do. Ignore her and not insult or offend her. The problem is, I don't want her to think that I was time passing with her. But what difference it makes of what she thinks? There is no future in watering this plant so let the weeds choke it. She is well covered. She has her family though they are far off. She has her kind flatmates and her former best friends. Though she never mentioned, she must be having other guy friends. At the work place she is treated nicely. Last but not the least she has her love. Why am I trying to fit in? I am actually no where. Hello...knock knock wake up Aeon!

Aside: Oops whenever 'am writing a blog post about her, she's around :P

Remembering You

It's not that I don't remember you. As diwali draws near, I remember you even more. Is it because I am facing difficult situations in life again just like past times and the challenges have just become more critical. You hated this self pity and weakness. You hated seeking support to combat the emotional turmoil. You wanted me to be strong, smart, and cunning in dealing with the problems. I sometimes wonder were you cruel to me to leave me as the sole warrior or you wanted me to be self sufficient and street smart? Yes you did not want me to be a cry baby. On the other hand you enjoyed taunting and hitting back on me sometimes breaking me. My vulnerability aroused you. It was easier to break through me then. Because your taunts made me sob and go weak. Though in the long run I know it worked like water on a red hot piece of iron where sudden cooling provides more strength. But I remember the endless fights and conflicts, the passionate arguments which ended with becoming one. I feel dizzy remembering the feel of you on me, your fingers, your hands, your arms, and everything that embodied you. How it paralyzed my mind and killed me completely. How I felt so weak with passion as you held me totally vanquished looking into your eyes. My entire being overflowing with you and my heart which was choked. I can still feel it, and all those images before me, which smile, turn into your face and look blurred. My eyes overflow.

Room In Rome...movie impression

I saw one of the most romantic films of recent times, 'Room in Rome'. Thanks to my friend who is doing research in Lesbian portrayal in contemporary films and literature.

I never thought a one night stand can be romanticized so beautifully along with the concept of soul connection. The movie just revolves around one night when two women from two different ethnicities meet. The brunette and the blonde and how their characters, sensibilities, and feelings for each other evolve through out a torrid passionate night in a hotel room.

Italian music, art and romantic renaissance atmosphere is perhaps portrayed nowhere in so much harmony.You do not have to be a lesbian to feel the movie. The women who come together out of curiosity, lust, and attraction and how they connect through conversations on art, life, poetry and hopelessly fall in love with the breaking dawn on their face.

I will never forget how the bed sheet becomes a flag raised on a hoist as a manifesto of their feelings which can otherwise cannot be revealed. I will never forget when Alba lies in a pool of blood in the bathtub with an arrown in her heart and points to the painting of Cupid with the bow on the wall. The kisses which are very short at the beginning become passionate and lingering towards the end. The lust changes to just being together romping in the bath tub.

The movie starts in the street and ends there with an open ending when Dasha calls out Alba's name and runs to her as she departs from the city. I really don't know how a man might interpret this movie where minimum amount is paid for costumes as the lead chracters are always in their skin glorifying the nude all exposed self so beautifully portayed in DH Lawrence's 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'among others.

Not only romanticism, the movie has its own share of humour and who can forget about the 'boiled cucumber' and 'leaving it in the bathtub'.

I will download this movie and keep it as an asset and Elena Anaya who plays Alba, well she was quite a revelation (pun intended).

Sweet Stranger

I lay on the grass gazing at the night sky,

Looking deep and mysterious like you.

It gazed down on me, yet remained so far;

I gazed on… till it turned blue.

I was drenched in the dew;

I could hear birds waking up;

My tired eyes felt heavy;

I wished for a tea cup.

You may wonder, do I think about you?

Do I still remember lying on the bed of roses?

Do I remember your touch and

The warm embraces?

I do remember you looking at me,

From across a crowded room.

I remember going through the dusty archive,

And a madness of a wet afternoon.

I remember your reluctance,

I remember the lies you spoke to me,

I remember googling your name,

And trying to find you in FB.

I do not miss you?

You may wonder...

You may think I regret it all

Thinking as my greatest blunder.

You hardly know,

So do not assume my sweet stranger…

That one day and those stolen moments,

Made my dead life bloom.

Tears of a Jan

The tears which never fell
On a long forgotten Jan
Fall now
In them I see you
I see you in the mirror of tears
The light of my life
You left me in a Jan
Soaked in tears, you went

I called you so many times
I lost my head
Are you safe?
Have you reached?
Is that what I really wanted to tell you?

People lose their heads
I lost mine
Never knew why
Though you knew it
I was a fool.

I kept running from then on
You kept running too
You gave up...
I also want to give up
In your arms
I want to die just
Looking at you.


---Dedication to someone...is the person expecting someone?

Can't let go...

Life teaches you lessons in strange ways. I always found it difficult to let go of stuff to which I was badly attached. After all I hardly got attached to anything.

I have been in a love-hate relationship with someone for the past decade. It always was made to look as if it was one-sided. It means that only I was feeling it. However, now I am sure it was never one-sided. It was sadistic and the other person felt an uncanny pleasure of screwing me emotionally.

I do not know, how many times I got screwed on the bed of cruelty wrapped in a sheet of denial. I never quite got my orgasm so I was always pursuing this person. It was also not 100% ignore also on that person’s part. It came and went at different times of life. Graduation, new job, promotion, marriage, breakage…the person came and went. Recently, I started to realize that this person had paranoid urges always and I was suffering from an incorrigible obsession. Both of us need psychological help. At least with reference to our relation, which was apparently nothing but actually something extremely powerful and destructive. Our families now know our stories and I don’t think they approve of it.

I blocked this person in FB and then unblocked. After having a nasty face off and being yelled at…I am still hopeful of reconciliation. Soon after FB blocking, I went to pursue and find out this person. I did after much toil and humiliation, only to be refused again. By this time, I had send another invitation. So another patch up attempt. This got accepted on a particular night and that night being quite unaware of this development, I send my nastiest sms in recent times which again lead to a deluge of smses back and forth between us. Accusations and stuff we had already cleared. But there was a reason. Nobody seems to understand my point of view. I pursued this person this time because I was worried as that person was not picking up my calls. Did answer my sms with ‘am ok’, but I wanted to be sure. I also needed to meet up after such long long years in between. If we’re friends shouldn’t everything be understandable. What was the reason for avoidance when we were meeting socially and not all alone?

What is the reason with this vacillation? On top of all this is the additional mystery of the spousal interference. Not from my side but from that person’s side. Why not just ignore if I am a ‘nobody’. Why threaten me? Because I am after all a VIP in that person’s life. I have my influence. It’s so ridiculous. So what’s the lesson? Nothing really…I know I can’t let go.

Kit and I

I was wondering if I have been very good friends with someone and then fell in love, wouldn't I want things to remain sunny between us always?
Years ago, I met someone who I really liked. I never knew that qualities which this person, say his or her name is Kit had, any human can have. Kit was physically and mentally strong, charming, intelligent and well accomplished. I literally fell in love with Kit.

Today after so many years I have realized that I was actually in love with the idea of love. Being in a relationship requires compatibility to be happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. Kit and I were never in those levels. Kit took my loyalty for granted. Kit treated my friendship like eating and drinking. There was no depth. I always thought how I can value add to Kit's life by supporting Kit in every way. Whether studies, love, illness, celebration or pain, I wanted to share Kit's life with my own. I had nothing else to do in those days of growing up. I also wanted an escape from the serious personal setbacks of life. I wished Kit would be with me and will understand the whims and eccentricities. Kit will accept me as I am and refine me more just as I felt for Kit.

But little did I know that Kit's understanding was coloured by perceptions. I do not blame Kit, if my behaviour has been misinterpreted. There is however a difference between misinterpretation and misconduct. If behaviour that hurts is repeated time and again then it's intentional and the person who is giving it is well aware of its implications. If Kit deliberately tried to shoo me away or to break and delete anything that we had in between then why will the need arise in the future to rejuvenate it.

Kit didn't want anything between us and over the time I got over the pain and heartbreak which comes with rejection. Then why did Kit come back with the profession that Kit will be with me for all the bad times if not good times and always did consider me as a good friend? Though there were no interactions, I was still very much a part of Kit's life. That it's still possible to begin again. How cruel can Kit be...I wonder? Kit swears that all that I have gone through is understandable and very tragic. I bet Kit understands nothing. Kit never understood anything as Kit never had any sensitivity. First Kit should be brave enough to verbally state everything rather than put it in a meagre email. Kit was always so very selfish. I always looked beyond Kit's image, tried to find logical explanation to Kit's behaviour. Kit never ever did that. Kit knows even now how I feel about the entire thing yet Kit takes it so very superficially. It disgusts me a lot, the realization that I loved and befriended such a base individual who never deserved even my friendship leave alone an eternal love and affection.

The only good thing about Kit is that I realised the true meaning of life through Kit. I did not let myself down and strove positively towards what I believed in. I knew that there was a life beyond that heartbreak and I needed to sincerely try. I did try and I found my way through it. I thought I was running away from Kit but I was not. I was running away from someone who had made me feel bad time and again till I understood there were better things to chase in life. I understood the value of love which I received from people around me. I also realized that there was no pain in giving out of love or being humiliated. I stopped blaming myself for the pain and for the broken relation. Even after years now Kit blames me and my behavior and says sorry for everything in a casual manner.

Kit is not my weakness but my strength. Some horrible misfortune which ultimately strengthened me so in keeping with my kindness, I shall ask Kit, “How may I help you?...and as I am there for everyone who need me sincerely, I am there for you."

Kit says that friendship and love are both different and Kit values friendship more than love. I say that friendship and love can both be confused to be taken for the other. The line dividing them is very thin and so is the line dividing love and hate. I have however risen beyond these petty emotions and ‘ am at peace with whatever life serves me.

No Light

I sometimes wish my dreams were like Qutab Minar standing upright for ages. How long does it take for things to topple over. My stupid childish dream of working in some place burst like a soap bubble. In fact faster than a soap bubble. I also don't like my new life. What's the reason. I am in love with someone else with a different sort of life so even though I might be getting best of the worlds now, it can hardly satisfy me.

Is it so hard to admit what I am? Why can't I face it?

I want to get out of this life in every way. I hate it...I hate it. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Things are not going to work out.

Dasvidanya…goodbye

That time has come again when I am going to say farewell…God be with you!

As I sit on the hill and look at the sky, my eyes fall on the two stars. One a little bigger than the other. The smaller as though chasing the bigger brighter one and the bigger despising the smaller one. Just then two cute puppies run over my feet, one of them teasing the other.

I come down from the hill and see the red Maruti Suzuki with number 8674. I stare at it for some time as it looks like a Hyundai Getz of the same color, same number. I walk past it and sit on the bench and see so many ladies having a familiar type of hair tied in a familiar way or fastened with a clutch clip.

I also look at the towering building which has emerged just beside the highway. I wonder if I come here years later will I still feel the overwhelming passion I feel now? Because anywhere I look, I seem to see only you or parts of you. Just like the outline of a sketch on which I want to run my paint brush, I also feel running my brush on the outline of your nose forehead and neck. I feel tempted brushing aside the stray hair that falls over your eyes. I also feel like blowing some hot breath on your tired eyes.

I wonder why people sometimes cannot understand love and its depth? They are so much concerned of what is not happening, what is not going their way. They miss seeing love and affection kissing them since they are so much occupied avoiding the thorns.

When I look at you I can’t even say that how much I love you. I know that your heart has become so pragmatic, so barren that either you will disbelieve me or disregard my feelings. What possible reason I can have now to tell you all this? You believe that everything is connected by cause and effect. I don’t want anything from you, how do I make you understand that? If everything is related to work, then tell me didn’t I put my heart and soul in it?

As always I destroy and kill myself in love only to emerge like a phoenix. Parts of it shall always remain in the environment, reminding you of me. Take care of yourself and learn from the mistakes. There is more to this world than just right and wrong. Look at the greater picture.

Through Blind Doors

When my heart broke into smithereens
I carefully guarded the pieces
You were in them everywhere
My soul hope, my life means

When you took my sleep away
I begged you for the dreams
You took them too
My soul hope, my life means

I cannot feel the love I felt once
I cannot feel the caress
Every feeling is burnt out
All except, this body in penance

People have loved those I loved
They have filled them too
I let them go always
Because my love was strong and true.

I lie on bed
As they ravage me, the scavengers
I let them have their way
I fear no long, any dangers

I wish that I woke up with you as the sun
I wish that as I lay
You made love to me
With a sealed mouth what can I say?

I wish you touched my heart just once
I wish you held my hand longer
I wish you challenged me so much
That I could take it no longer

When the cloud floats to the mountains
And the water gushes down
And the butterflies dance for me
Their queen, with you as my crown

I have chased my dreams
And you were there always
Chasing it with me
Nights and nights…days and days
In the sands you and I
Were playing hand in hand
You ran too fast and I fell down
You left me in the sand

You are someone else’s now
You think that I’ll get hurt
But you did give me the chance
But I backed off, I did depart

I know everything that you think
You do what, I do know
Your mind speaks to my heart
With no outward show

And tonight I can’t sleep
Though I want to
I am not unhappy as you lie in bed with some other
Because I love you, loved you true.

My body also has been taken,
But my soul is still yours,
A moment and they will be one
Walking through blind doors.

I thought of Light, I thought of her

I was not happy to see her. The moment our eyes met, there were pangs of pain in my heart as if thousands of leeches were sucking out blood from it and it emanated and spread all through my body. My eyes became red and misty.

My mind reflected back to those days when our friendship was deep, meaningful and what we both had thought as lasting forever. It was hard for me to even try and untangle what had taken place. Where did the conflict begin? There had always been so much understanding and love between us and that was which made the friendship completely unique.

I thought that we will forever stand by each other when on the road she had once mentioned "dekho maine bhi tumhara haath pakar liya"(look I am holding your hand). What she did not say is- 'forever'. What is it that causes these incredible breeches in relationships?

I don't know what went wrong between us. She calls me her friend and sister then why are we so cut off. I am tired of calling up and asking. No replies to mail or sms. She can't be so busy. I have deleted her phone number so that I am not compelled to call her. Her conflicting behaviour has shattered me. Yes I don't like Delhi/ NCR but is it necessary that this fact chokes the life out of the possibility of ever meeting again or staying together. She has to stay near her home because of her family and I have suffered every bit of being so far. I do not have any siblings and she was my sister. I doted on her. If she thinks that I will forget then how wrong she is.