Hello...knock knock...wake up Aeon!

I do not not know how to handle this situation, I am in. Sometimes I think am I giving it too much of importance? There is someone at office towards whom, I felt a connection from the first time our eyes met. We both must have been interested but hardly showed it. I know it is pretty much obvious to the person how much I care about her. It is something that I have just not been able to control. If I think I will stay aloof, I give away as soon as she is around or near me. I am kind and sweet to her. We do pull each others legs but I kind of feel that she treats all of her other coworkers equally. I tried to find a sign and all I find is that the way we look into each others eyes is deep and long. This is similar to all my past romantic relationships based on mutual liking and attraction. Apart from this I don't know what to do. I want to leave this city for good with a better life but I cannot leave her. Her life is where her boyfriend is so I must give up and just shift delete everything. In conditions like this one, it is difficult to maintain a smooth friendship. I struggle with it every day. I hate it. I feel so sorry to feel so negative about it but isn't it hopeless for a married bisexual atheist struggling with a career and personal life gone very wrong to be in love with a relation committed staunch Catholic girl from a different community and station in life? On top of this are the malevolent memories I have of my past relationships. Why do I actually need something meaningful with her? Can it not be just like...We are mutual friends with benefits? I cannot be so superficial. Whenever she is with me, she shares or tries to share the moment with her boyfriend. Perhaps she enjoys her moments with me but misses him and loves him to the extent of wanting to include him in it. So she shares her instant action reports with him to my dismay. Should I not just leave her alone? I wish I can tell her this. All that I manage to do is making her feel just the opposite. I should just let her be and soon she will forget me. I should avoid rather than stop paying her the attention that I do. Ignore her and not insult or offend her. The problem is, I don't want her to think that I was time passing with her. But what difference it makes of what she thinks? There is no future in watering this plant so let the weeds choke it. She is well covered. She has her family though they are far off. She has her kind flatmates and her former best friends. Though she never mentioned, she must be having other guy friends. At the work place she is treated nicely. Last but not the least she has her love. Why am I trying to fit in? I am actually no where. Hello...knock knock wake up Aeon!

Aside: Oops whenever 'am writing a blog post about her, she's around :P