Living with Both of You

I am bound to you in an eternal bond of worship.
You left me but the empty bed still feels warm with your warmth and my hands still feels your life force.
You ask me to live and you know that in this string of worship, she is also there.
Somewhere with us, beside us, between us.
I cover your eyes with my palm and see her nose and lips.
Why did you both have to be so vivid a reflection of each other?
Her mortal body left me and your heart is parked somewhere else...
And both of you ask me to live?

There were days when I fell asleep near her feet
Holding them close to my heart
There were days
When the morning sun would fade out
When she opened her dreamy eyes
To look into mine
And I feel you holding me close
Just letting your lips
Touch my heart
And I remember those mornings
The same feeling when your ruggedness just melts out to her...
I hug her to wake her up
But she closes her eyes
And I know...
My cool skin after the bath and cologne
Can feel her long eye lashes, her long nose, and sleepy lips
Between the open buttons of my shirt...

I shudder and hold her away
Lest she read my heart beat...
I shudder again...
But you hold me close...
And don't let me go...
And I feel your weight on me...
And I know she is nowhere...
And you tell me...
Stop thinking...

My Chant of God in God's Own Country

You stood there looking into my eyes as I turned away
I don't know if this is the right time
But I am coming after you anyway
I gazed on to the night sky
On my journey towards you
The moon taunted me
I don't know if I am in love
You just you, I only wanted to see
I could hear the crickets singing in the jungle
The birds singing in the tree
I can hear his heart beat
Feel his breath
As he made love to me
I closed my eyes
I was so full of you
I wanted you desperately

I sat in the sunset
Gazing into the red depths of the sky
All was red
And it bled
All was red in my love and in the sun
And into your arms
I wanted to run.
I thought of my memory
With you on the beach and I closed my eyes
I lay down in peace
Your hair fell on my face
I don't believe it was the breeze.

And I can feel you were not there,
So I journeyed again
To lose you one more time
Your dry hands, I love,
And every mark on it
Has my destiny written.
And those big brown eyes
Drain me...ravage me
I totally give up.

I had to go there
Because you were there
And I came back
Before...with you
It was all my destiny
I had to be here
To love you.
I fear and wake in the night
Thinking I will lose you.
And don't you know
That I couldn't just see you go...
And when I feel blue
I just spend my time...
Sketching you...

And I did call you...
In my sleep...in my awakenings
In my smiles, in my tears...
My chant of God...
In God's own country
To the hills, to the woods
To the sky, to the sea
I prayed for a lil place...
In your heart my lady.

The Time Comes to an End...

Christmas is round the corner
It's also time for me to wrap up
The year shall end and so shall my stay...
I wish we had more time together.

I do recall the first time I saw you on the floor
You looked detached...arrogant at times
But you looked at me with all attention
You held my gaze.
It pinned itself on my psyche
Your sharp face.

I found your name on the newsletter
I do recall the day we smiled
In the restroom
I do remember, I introduced myself at lunch
The story began there and ran off.

Now I know just one intoxication
Which lies in the deep brown depths of your eyes
I shall miss talking to them with mine
I will miss catching in them the golden sun shine.

Not to miss the sweetness of your accented language...
Not to miss the rough feel of your palms...
Not to miss your pixie smile...
Not to miss your expressive face...
Not to miss what you felt for me...
It...will take me a while.

Will you forget me?
Will you remember the times?
I do not know.
I just hope you do...
'Coz I can't help expecting just this bit from you.

A Star

You tell me...I looked green, I was in blossoms, but you left me like the thorns in a desert. Who cares about their blossoms? I travelled to all this wilderness because I was like a lost river who met its sea in you. Where are you my heartbeat? I wish you held me for one more time...my heart should stop then...and I should die just looking at you one last time. I don't like to see anything else again.

You kept me alive all this time...I want to see one last time...those eyes which had so much love and care for me...I want to see that smile...my sun...the light in my life...and I want to hold those hands in mine and feel the breath on my face and I want to kiss that forehead and die...and become a star that shines on you forever....

Running Away Again

I am going through the worst phase of life where repeated sincere attempts to change my condition is failing. It's been such a long long time since anything has worked in my favour.

The rainy weather and pms worsens the feeling and makes grim reality grimmer. I can't look at smiling faces anymore, I have no interest in eating, I am tired of talking and smiling. I can see the ever cheerful, optimistic, impulsive, and passionate person in me taking its last few breaths.

I am dying I know and I also know when people give up or kill themselves. That gruesome hopelessness which kills them. I am not depressed but the reality kills me. The growing rise of prices and no hikes at work place in spite of great performance which has been acknowledged. I don't have money to afford a great living or luxuries. I have no one to travel with. I have friends who only want benefits from me. I have loved and been sincere only to be made to feel small and insignificant. My self esteem has fallen off. Are the times that bad since all seem to be pretty well off?

Love redeems everything but I have no luck. The love which just did not get acknowledged. Why does that someone feel so much in conflict to acknowledge it? We are not friends, did we not know it? What are we? Work place buddies...time pass, casual date, friends, soul buddies, mentor-mentee...what are we? I do not want to put labels...but did you not say that the distance between us depends on the strength of our relationship and I am near you?

Then why? I have given you space and I have never demanded anything. I have killed my wishes...swallowed my pain and expectations...How much can I assert?

Why are you breaking both of us? Everything can coexist. They need not know so long you acknowledge this between us...we two.

What kind of rejection do you fear? This is not your self esteem but arrogance or ignorance or is it only skin deep?

You are in conflicts and doubts about what you feel for me. Please clear it up and decide with your own mind and not that someone's who I despise. I also want to tell you that I am not divided (committed to anyone) as you are...and you have the power of making me leave everything and running away again.

Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

You made my heart bleed today

And I can't stand there

Seeing you taken away

I can't look into your eyes

I can't stop myself from telling

I love you...I can't see this...

I am going to leave soon

I am down in an abyss and can't rise

Your smile and happiness

Your honesty and goodness

I know I can't be anywhere

But I love you

Without wanting you

Without trying to control you

And I will never tell you...

I will just love you...

As you said words are not required

I will love you silently

Worship you...

I just give up because nothing can control my heart...just looking at you smiling is enough and I know now why people run away from love...from impossible love because they can't see themselves destroyed by the loss........................I can't see you becoming someone else's...............Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

Love or Something Like it

It felt awful to slog out at office. Though I did not have a deadline, I had a ticking in head to finish all the work on Saturday rather than sitting on it the next week. Working on a Saturday itself is horrible.

I did not know how to react to her boyfriend booking movie tickets for us. Fast forward and we are walking down a tree-lined lane which is a shortcut to reduce the auto fare. Thanks to my avid map knowledge we pulled the thing pretty well. We reached the mall, freshened up and moved to the food court. Well I do like to compete against my younger counterpart in terms of attracting attention and I did score more. I was terribly elated inside. On the other hand it's actually awful because I like her so much. I think I am in love with her. Her happiness, her smile, her well being matters so much to me. She feels totally at ease as she talks about her best friend and boyfriend. I listen patiently. Then we come upon a VW servicing center and she offers to take me around her native place in her VW car.

The day progresses into lunch, then movie, auto rides, crowded bus rides, beach, sea water, dinner, car drop home. Such a long long time spent with a girl. I don't know when was the last time I spent so much time with a girl. I still feel the emptiness because I see her with her boyfriend. She is sitting beside him in the car. She tends his painful shoulder and then mine when he is gone for a short while. She is shocked at the powerful deltoids as I tell her, about my years of weight training. I tend her shoulders but she find it tickling. I brush her hair from her face and inch towards her as she tries to show me a crab. I could almost feel her face against mine when her guy returns and says something to startle us.

I cannot expect much. I like her guy a lot and I think they are a great couple. But my single life stings me like a nettle when I see them both. I am also not jealous but it hurts somewhere because I have feelings for her. And it hurts more that she is a kind and honest girl who is attracted to me in some way.

As I get down from the car and she wants to come up...I say it's late and bid goodbye to the sweetest couple in this world. I do leave behind something in the back seat, a few drops of secret tears.

----------

My dedication to you...chand chupa badal mei sharmake meri jaane jaana...I saw the orange moon...I saw your face

My Karva Chauth Date

How do I feel

Just looking at you?

They just pass by, the hours…

Me just looking into your eyes

With a smile on my lips…

Sketching you on the canvas of my heart,

While you turn to go and I call your name

You do not seem to hear it

So I call again… once twice thrice till all hear it.

And you run to me asking what is it that you called?

So I take your name again

To make you blush.

And I want to steal you away

From this world

Take you where we can lie on the sand.

Counting the stars.

One two three four

They blink like glow worms…

I look at you,

To trace the silhouette of your sharp face,

Against the moon.

I come to my senses,

And I realize,

We have sat for eternity,

At that table,

Just looking at each other.

Someone

I feel like spending most of my spare time with that 'someone'. That 'someone' who I am so terribly attracted to. I fear the separation which is imminent sooner or later. So I want to make each moment and day special and memorable. After all, the memories will be all that we shall carry.

Same situations hit my life time and again. When I am compelled to change my dwelling and workplace, and also the city. An attachment makes it difficult but I am sure like always I will bless my stars and leave the object or objects of my attachment and move on.

So for the time being I will go for the wish fulfillment of that 'someone'. The best way to the heart is through the stomach. I would also love to visit Kerala with that 'someone' as my guide. Sometimes it's not worth being patient.

Longing

It is so difficult to handle longing,
When the object of your longing is around,
You end up talking and acting silly,
Your feet seem to slip the ground.

When you are so so near me,
I can feel your presence,
They topple me totally,
The heat of your body and your fragrance.

Your dress brushes my arm,
I feel like holding you close,
And when you look at me,
I totally get disposed.

How long can I control?
How long can I conceal it?
How long can I stay away from you?
How long can I stop my lips?

My lips want to tell you all,
My lips want to kiss you,
My lips want to worship you,
My lips don't want to miss you.

I want to crash down on you,
Like a shooting star,
I want to splash down on you
Like the ocean waves from far.

Take me, finish me...
Start me again,
Love me destroy me...
Fall on me like the rain.

Coup De Foudre

I don't know how I can stop myself from falling into you.

Gradually, I am flowing like a river to the sea.

I cannot resist the slope, the fluid in me.

I want you to be happy and satisfied.

I want to bring this world at your feet.

I don't like to see you sick.

When you are, I see the setting sun in your eyes.

I want to see the sunny heaven in them always.

I 'll chant of God when I look at them, holding your hands.

You are like poetry.

You are like the first stroke in the canvas.

You are like a little serene pond in a green patch.

I look at those idols and I fold my arms in worship.

But I find Her face in you.

I wish I was a little baby in your arms.

And you will cuddle and kiss me to sleep.

While I close my eyes you will pat me.

I know I fit no where in your life.

I don't think I can be anybody in it.

Yet you take away my sleep.

And take away my breath.

You take away my pain too.

And wherever I am, with whoever I am...

My mind just thinks of you...

And my heart beats blue blue

You Take My Breath Away

Every time I see you

You take my breath away

All the words you've spoken

Flows like a river through me

My fortress of control is totally broken

I love your imperfections

Which make you unique

I do have now become an emotional leak

I never knew I will feel like this again

I never knew I''ll turn into insane

It shows in my face

It glows and puts the grace

In me what all did notice

I was like this all the time I wish

I thought about you

I thought about you all day

I touched myself

Thinking you were there

What have I become?

What have you made me?

I am swept apart with your inner beauty...

Of Sweden and Movies

Sometimes I just like the sound of a language. I have worked with clients from Sweden belonging to two big and famous incorporation. Heard numerous stories about the type of life people lead in Sweden especially Stockholm.

As I know it is quite a liberal society with decent and skilled people. They have 'son' frequently at the end of their surnames and I know about football or rather soccer associated with Sweden among other things.

I watched a movie where the protagonist belonged to a town called Amal. It turned out to be one of the sweetest movies I have seen for a long long time. May be because the family and especially the dad of one of the main leads is so much like mine--Supportive and affectionate. Agnes and Elin are the the two kids who share the main roles. The girl who was playing Elin looked partly Russian and indeed she is.

A story of being a different and lonely kid and the gorgeous, kind yet super bored kid in a small town. The plain intelligent girl and the gorgeous super popular girl...this combination has been used in so many movies such as 'Poison Ivy', 'Heavenly Creatures', 'My Summer of Love', 'Water Lilies' and I can't really remember all the names but sure as hell it is a killer combo and fatal attraction at times. However the movie, I saw is, probably the sweetest portrayal of the combination. It's name sounds misnomer in the original (Fucking Åmål) movie but is named 'Show Me Love' in its US release. I did some background work and found out that the two kids playing the main lead grew up to be women of substances, completing their education properly in spite of having the pressure of the limelight on them in such a young age. They (Alexandra Dahlström, Rebecka Liljeberg) amazed me with their great performances and I am swept off by Sweden once more.

The Sponge and the Stream

'Our mind is a sponge; our heart is a stream.

Is it not strange that most of us choose sucking rather than running?'

-----Kahlil Gibran

Well sucking is what exactly I am doing right now even though I am sick and tired. How come no one ever found me with their heart or tried to find or feel me? May be they did but I never noticed. I cannot figure out the way I interpret this world or its denizens.

I do not know whether I should give in to love...to longing...to attraction. I have the fear of telling him though he looks at me, I turn away thinking what he might think of me. I am so afraid to be judged. Is he younger than me and so will he see me as a cougar? My mind sucks and my heart dies. I cannot forget his eyes...big and so full of melody. His fair body and ripped being ripping me apart as I sketch him a thousand times on the canvas of my heart with my eyes.

As she leans over me holding the mouse and reading the computer screen, I can smell her mild perfume. I can see the color of her lip liner. But I get conscious that she can smell me too. Does she like the musk cologne I am wearing? May be I smell too masculine. My mind sucks again as it tells me she has a boyfriend and loves him and she is my coworker. I stretch my hand to touch her ear ring but stop.

My lack of focus will hit me hard again. What is it I want? Why can't I focus on more than one thing and why can't I get it?

I need to suck and run...use my heart and mind but both lie frozen at the moment.

Copyright

Drawing or sketching someone passionately can be akin to other experiences. It's like being God and creating the physical features once again. You realize which of the features must have been most difficult to create.

On the other hand, sketching can also be exploring or making love to a person passionately. You take up each feature, put your focus on to it, and keep on trying to put it to perfection to the original.

I sketched one of my coworkers recently and can't help falling in love with this person. The large expressive eyes which had touches of sorrow and twinkles of amusement. The long nose which was a perfectly etched hill and you have to balance yourself on it, till you fall onto the lips. The lips were most difficult as they had a serene smile on them. The person looked divine with an expression of affection. All these were difficult to capture as they just took my breath away. I was lost in them.

When I handed over my half baked work to this person, I couldn't help feeling shy as it felt like I was already proposing. And is it not mysterious that the person insisted on putting my signature on all the sketches as a token of ownership of the art? If only it could have been the copyright on the object of my art such as the vermilion adorning the forehead of an Indian married woman.

The Morning Ritual

The first baby rays of the sun found its way through the curtains. They fell on that face which had a pair of sleepy eyes. The rays lovingly traced the edges of the sharp nose and the pair of ruddy lips.

The long lashes opened up and looked unto the face of the person who held her in her arms. Trying to wake her up and bring her back to the world of reality. Their eyes gazed deeply and lovingly into each other. A sweet line of smile broke up on the ruddy lips as the hands holding her pulled her close as a mother would to her child.

They remained in each others embrace breathing heavy as the one with the ruddy lips started falling into slumber once again. The pair of arms shook her up and then ran fingers lovingly through her long straight hair. No words were spoken.

As they smiled and giggled, the sun rose up and illumined the entire room.

Miss My Life

I miss my life all the time. My life which lived in the shadows of your light. As I see the Universe conspiring all the time to keep me alive but not conspiring to bring you to me. When love is new, so I should tend it like a new born baby. Nourish it. But I have been walking on burning ashes for an eternity. Loving you and not knowing it.

I am trying to figure out still why you kill me softly even while running like oxygen through my blood. The last time I smiled was with you, the last time I worshiped was with you, the last time I was happy was with you. Why do you ask me where I am? With you in life and always…

How can I hide you? How can you hide me? You destroyed me my life. I never lived before I met you and when I met you…I was complete and finished.

Kit and I

I was wondering if I have been very good friends with someone and then fell in love, wouldn't I want things to remain sunny between us always?
Years ago, I met someone who I really liked. I never knew that qualities which this person, say his or her name is Kit had, any human can have. Kit was physically and mentally strong, charming, intelligent and well accomplished. I literally fell in love with Kit.

Today after so many years I have realized that I was actually in love with the idea of love. Being in a relationship requires compatibility to be happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. Kit and I were never in those levels. Kit took my loyalty for granted. Kit treated my friendship like eating and drinking. There was no depth. I always thought how I can value add to Kit's life by supporting Kit in every way. Whether studies, love, illness, celebration or pain, I wanted to share Kit's life with my own. I had nothing else to do in those days of growing up. I also wanted an escape from the serious personal setbacks of life. I wished Kit would be with me and will understand the whims and eccentricities. Kit will accept me as I am and refine me more just as I felt for Kit.

But little did I know that Kit's understanding was coloured by perceptions. I do not blame Kit, if my behaviour has been misinterpreted. There is however a difference between misinterpretation and misconduct. If behaviour that hurts is repeated time and again then it's intentional and the person who is giving it is well aware of its implications. If Kit deliberately tried to shoo me away or to break and delete anything that we had in between then why will the need arise in the future to rejuvenate it.

Kit didn't want anything between us and over the time I got over the pain and heartbreak which comes with rejection. Then why did Kit come back with the profession that Kit will be with me for all the bad times if not good times and always did consider me as a good friend? Though there were no interactions, I was still very much a part of Kit's life. That it's still possible to begin again. How cruel can Kit be...I wonder? Kit swears that all that I have gone through is understandable and very tragic. I bet Kit understands nothing. Kit never understood anything as Kit never had any sensitivity. First Kit should be brave enough to verbally state everything rather than put it in a meagre email. Kit was always so very selfish. I always looked beyond Kit's image, tried to find logical explanation to Kit's behaviour. Kit never ever did that. Kit knows even now how I feel about the entire thing yet Kit takes it so very superficially. It disgusts me a lot, the realization that I loved and befriended such a base individual who never deserved even my friendship leave alone an eternal love and affection.

The only good thing about Kit is that I realised the true meaning of life through Kit. I did not let myself down and strove positively towards what I believed in. I knew that there was a life beyond that heartbreak and I needed to sincerely try. I did try and I found my way through it. I thought I was running away from Kit but I was not. I was running away from someone who had made me feel bad time and again till I understood there were better things to chase in life. I understood the value of love which I received from people around me. I also realized that there was no pain in giving out of love or being humiliated. I stopped blaming myself for the pain and for the broken relation. Even after years now Kit blames me and my behavior and says sorry for everything in a casual manner.

Kit is not my weakness but my strength. Some horrible misfortune which ultimately strengthened me so in keeping with my kindness, I shall ask Kit, “How may I help you?...and as I am there for everyone who need me sincerely, I am there for you."

Kit says that friendship and love are both different and Kit values friendship more than love. I say that friendship and love can both be confused to be taken for the other. The line dividing them is very thin and so is the line dividing love and hate. I have however risen beyond these petty emotions and ‘ am at peace with whatever life serves me.

The Dream

I was sitting on the bench for quite some time. I was missing Jasmeet. I felt helpless and vulnerable. My life was crumbling away into ruins and I needed Jasmeet to hold me and save me. May be for one last time.

I remembered our first meeting, participating in a college fest. I remembered chasing her down the sunflower fields of Amritsar. Singing ‘tujhe dekha to yeh jaana sanam’. Sitting under a full moon, sharing our first kiss. Watching how beautiful she looks in her sleep. Running my fingers through her hair down her nose and her lips.

I always thought Jasmeet had an Akshay Kumar sort of smile. A lady version of that charming smile. And yes she was Punjabi in every possible way. The typical chak de fatte type. Boy how she loved dancing and I loved challenging her. There we would be breaking into a jig with bhangra beats on background. When suddenly we will discover that we are all alone…as we got isolated from the rest of the dance party.

How my Bengali friends told me that it was amazing that I had rejected all the Bengali lasses around me to fall for this kadak Punjabi girl. But then Jasmeet was my everything. The breath of my lack-lustre life. Sitting outside the CT Scan department I was wondering that how many hours more I will survive this dreadful disease, this pain and suffering. When suddenly my eyes landed upon this girl sitting beside me. It was Jasmeet, only looking more younger. I was just about to hug her when I realized that it was a lookalike of Jasmeet. Another Punjabi girl, only that she was blind. But all I needed was a hug.

I didn’t really care. I knew only that this hug can save me so I went forward. My eyes opened and there in front was my wife of seven years, Jasmeet. She was telling me to get up as we were both getting late for office. I just went forward with my hug and kissed her birthmark on her neck, just like old times. As I looked deeply in her eyes, both of us realized how we missed each other. Our son Yash was six years old and had started going to school. We were both working as business analysts in reputed IT companies and somehow drifted away from each other. We loved each other but were actually dying inside missing each other enduring our blindness.

Our sky high salaries made no difference. I pulled Jasmeet close to me and ultimately got late to office. Both of us got late to office just like old days and don’t even ask what we were doing. They say we should make our dreams reality…but thank god mine remained a dream.

Lost Love

Its been a long time since I have walked on Sundane avenue. However used to frequent it a lot during my Varsity days. Reason…huh my better half used to live there. Now why did I say my better half.

To know that, we have to take a flight back memory lane. Joe and I went to the same college though separate faculties. She was studying philosophy. You must have seen a winged insect leaping into flames. My attitude to Joe was just like that. I knew she was seeing some other guy called Don. But I had to slip…and that also right in her arms. We had a whirlwind romance that lasted a little over 2 years and then I guess…Out of Mind..Out of sight.

Some things just haunt you forever…Its all about haunting that I want to tell you about.The incident occurred a few months back.

I was standing on Sundane Avenue just facing her house.I was drunk and dizzy that day.So as I sulked and looked dreamily at that familiar balcony, so many memories flooded my mind.Memories of a rain soaked afternoon…and many more.

It was also raining today.Suddenly I saw Joe coming out on the balcony.Our eyes got locked for a moment as I decided to stay there no longer but as soon as I turned away to leave, I found my self face to face with her.

I never ever thought that Joe had such a nimble foot. It was simply amazing.There was something in her eyes. Some sort of intimidation..something which made me follow her in the house.I have gazed in them so many times but never ever felt so much of immediacy. Once in the house the rain and thunder coupled with our repressed longing for each other scorched us away.We met as though like the angry passionate sea breaking over rocks. A little after evening I left. As the effect of liquor started waning out, I realized what I had done.

I remembered why Joe and I had broken up in the first place. She got married somewhere outside town in a different state. To Don of course. The woman I had promised never to touch again…How could I? A sense of guilt and disgust overtook me as I trudged home.

It took me another two months to know the truth. After work I was sitting at a bar when I had a chance meeting with Liam. Liam happened to be a distant relative of Joe. From him I came to know about Joe. Joe died in an accident on a visit to her maternal home on Sundane Avenue. It was a rainy afternoon when the old balcony on which she stood collapsed. She died instantly, the fall having crushed her skull. Liam was speaking to one of his chums as I overheard the conversation. But he said something else."Joe did not die alone. Mat was with her and to this day we can't figure out how he got to be with her. Perhaps Joe was cheating on her husband. They got laid on graves beside each other at St Peter's."I wondered what about Mat. Who is this guy with my name?

Curious and disturbed I almost sped up to St Peters only to find the worst.

Joe Flints and Mat Bigs lay side by side. But Mat Jason Bigs(MJ) - 1976-2004??

If MJ was dead who am I?