Long Long Time...

It was a double bonus for me reconnecting with friends after a long long time. One of them I met after a gap of about a year and the other perhaps 10 years or more.

I really needed the hugs, the kindness, and the giggles from both.

I don't believe in God or else I would definitely say this was God's smile and present to me. Also my new year was spent with a friend who cooked for me.

Yet today I am reduced to a cry baby because I do miss a friend who was once with me on a new year. I slept off on her shoulder with an open mouth while watching a movie. I never knew how I reached home and  was tucked away in bed.

I will never see her again or may be I will see her photos. I will never kiss her cheek again. We will never hug again. No more drives together or no hand feeding me food or scolding me.

People die and some die too soon. She died and a very significant part of me died with her.

I don't know what eats me inside? Is it her or is it my part which has departed with her which no husband, boyfriend, friend, family or anyone can bring back.

 

Enough of you and me and they...

You are compelled by your own reasons
You think they make sense
I asked you let me know if you reached safely
I know you will
Yet you never send a word
Do you think that hurt heals with counter hurting
You see through that lense
You dont know its just a mirror
You just see yourself
You don't see me.

I don't need a reason to...
Spend time with you
To dine with you
To buy medicines for you
To take care of you
To forgive your rashness
To forgive your stupidity
To see you wasting yourself with others
To hold you when you are your tipsy self.

And yet you come back..
Over and over
With your pain
You think I am kind
I won't ask, I won't judge, I won't tell.
But I am human,
And I can't take this anymore.
Enough of you and me and they...
Think about us...'US'

The Vacation

I will dedicate this poem written by someone for her best friend...to some people in my life. I wish one of them were with me on this vacation. It would have been so good...so nice...and.....

I hope you really know
How much I truly care
Because when I’m away from you
It’s like something isn’t there

Like on this great vacation
Where I’m having so much fun
It feels like part of me is missing
I wish that I could share this sun

I’ve been wishing I could be with you
Each and every day
Because I trust that with you by my side
Everything will always be okay

I want to share this awesome experience
With you and only you
If I could, I’d capture every moment
So you could live this, too

In a box with sandy beaches
I’d put the perfect skies of blue
And I’d bottle up the endless ocean
To bring it back for you

I love you like a sister
I hope that’s something you’ll never forget
And I’ll say I’m sorry now
If I ever do something we’ll regret

You don’t know how much I missed you
And for that, I’m glad to be back
Now I know for certain
Forever our friendship will stay in tact.

Downside of Feminity

I do not know how to control the ultra feminine parts inside. For example, mood swings. I look like a bird and sting like a bee sometimes. For men it's a part of their lives to handle it but what about women? It may take me a second to crush my cool dude persona. But again we will know what someone we like do not likes. If we can avoid it we should or else what is the value of having a relationship? Why do we understand and repeat our mistakes over and over?

This is not a consolatory or confessional piece. It's a justification of my actions. I can't cope with her superficiality, stupidity, passivity, and flirting any more. I give her more than she deserves and all I want that she spares me of all the subtle taunts, insults, and attempts to make me jealous. And not to mention all the disgusting gifts and all the thoughts of associating most things with her. Why?

I am that arrogant, that I want first class accommodation in someones heart when it counts or else I just don't want to be there at all. And no one should fool with a creative person who is bound to be complex inside and can well be turbulent with unresolved traumatic memories.

Shallow Person

Silly and some shallow people in my life there are. I should be flushing them down but instead end up serenading them. For example, for years I have been trying to do face sketch. I tried but it just did not work out. Only recently I started making great progress. I had chosen a model or rather a subject from office. I thought she should have felt honored and special. I tagged her sketch in FB so her friends can see.

I don't know what the hush is about her and me. The same photos she had in her profile,  I drew. I don't know why she had to remove the tag. On one hand she shows my sketches to people and on the other hand she removes the tag so that people can't see. I hate this because this hushed up stupidity repels me. I am not in love with her. We are not doing anything forbidden. It was not a nude sketch of hers.

I so god damn hate myself. I succeeded yet the success brought more bitterness as the happiness did not last. There is so much difference between art and life. Some people just don't get it.

Lonely at Work

At times when I am extremely busy at work, a friendly touch...may be charity, work good for me. I am human after all. How long can I just ignore these?

Sometimes people make you feel so special and their actions surprise you. Some times you get positive friendly vibes and become friends. They start becoming a part of your life though not the most important part. Then they suddenly disappear or play up their mood swings. Every relationship requires nurture in some way...especially when you have close physical proximity. But it seems everything is a lie rather than an illusion.

I do swear that I will not walk that lane again and I promise not to be taken for granted.

I drown inside a deluge of work
With phone calls, emails, meetings, and reviews.
She hardly cares nowadays
Did she ever care
I am so amazed
Is she just like the others
Vain and carefree really?
And I thought sunny side will be up always
That tower of positivity
Is now razed
I am a fool
I have been a fool
I am so sincere in my work
But I have no light moments to share
I really have no one who cares
With no one at home
A smile at work means so much to me
A smile, a kind word, a pat, and some charity.
No judgment though
Only some bits of gaiety.
I don't even have chat buddies at work
I am so blue at times.
More so because she hardly cares nowadays
When only lately she seemed fine.
I don't expect much...
Because for her...
I may be just a time pass.

Mistakes that We Repeat

'All flowers will fester
All false smiles will fade away soon
Friends may give you pain but they know it
But false friends give you hopes
And make you a buffoon.'

Why do we make mistakes even when we know we are making mistakes?
Is it our vulnerability?
Is it our heart which makes us weak?

What to do when the mistake stares at us creating a fool of us?

Sometimes it's better to accept that we are human. Laugh it and forget it, and become more careful. I needed to wake up and I did. I tried, failed...tried again. Don't know if I succeeded. But I am better off now.

Expectations

I don't know if life is hard or easy for me. After so many years of experience on earth, I still do not understand the dynamics of friendship and love.

People who claim to be close friends act weird. They tell me about all their deepest darkest secrets. Call me for support. Then they forget to include me with sincerity in important family affairs such as marriages. Then one fine day they come back again seeking the support they enjoyed before. Is this time pass or serious friendship?

With the passage of time, I have learnt to expect less and give less importance to myself. Whatever I have not been able to handle, I will learn soon. I think the most vile stuff existing in this world is insecurity and jealousy. These two manage to destroy most relations and also expectations and selflessness. As my mom says...expect less and remember people for the good times and what they did for you and bear no pain or grudge about the times they ignored you.

The Sponge and the Stream

'Our mind is a sponge; our heart is a stream.

Is it not strange that most of us choose sucking rather than running?'

-----Kahlil Gibran

Well sucking is what exactly I am doing right now even though I am sick and tired. How come no one ever found me with their heart or tried to find or feel me? May be they did but I never noticed. I cannot figure out the way I interpret this world or its denizens.

I do not know whether I should give in to love...to longing...to attraction. I have the fear of telling him though he looks at me, I turn away thinking what he might think of me. I am so afraid to be judged. Is he younger than me and so will he see me as a cougar? My mind sucks and my heart dies. I cannot forget his eyes...big and so full of melody. His fair body and ripped being ripping me apart as I sketch him a thousand times on the canvas of my heart with my eyes.

As she leans over me holding the mouse and reading the computer screen, I can smell her mild perfume. I can see the color of her lip liner. But I get conscious that she can smell me too. Does she like the musk cologne I am wearing? May be I smell too masculine. My mind sucks again as it tells me she has a boyfriend and loves him and she is my coworker. I stretch my hand to touch her ear ring but stop.

My lack of focus will hit me hard again. What is it I want? Why can't I focus on more than one thing and why can't I get it?

I need to suck and run...use my heart and mind but both lie frozen at the moment.

Remembering You

It's not that I don't remember you. As diwali draws near, I remember you even more. Is it because I am facing difficult situations in life again just like past times and the challenges have just become more critical. You hated this self pity and weakness. You hated seeking support to combat the emotional turmoil. You wanted me to be strong, smart, and cunning in dealing with the problems. I sometimes wonder were you cruel to me to leave me as the sole warrior or you wanted me to be self sufficient and street smart? Yes you did not want me to be a cry baby. On the other hand you enjoyed taunting and hitting back on me sometimes breaking me. My vulnerability aroused you. It was easier to break through me then. Because your taunts made me sob and go weak. Though in the long run I know it worked like water on a red hot piece of iron where sudden cooling provides more strength. But I remember the endless fights and conflicts, the passionate arguments which ended with becoming one. I feel dizzy remembering the feel of you on me, your fingers, your hands, your arms, and everything that embodied you. How it paralyzed my mind and killed me completely. How I felt so weak with passion as you held me totally vanquished looking into your eyes. My entire being overflowing with you and my heart which was choked. I can still feel it, and all those images before me, which smile, turn into your face and look blurred. My eyes overflow.

Confessional Piece

It makes me sad when sometimes you get assessed on the basis of physical looks. It becomes even more sad when people you thought had depth does that to you. It's not that I am ugly or anything. I have been blessed with mixed traditional and unconventional looks. People remember me when I have visited a place or met with someone. If I ended up liking anyone, I always had it with them whether guy or girl. I became confident when best looking as well as all the talented people, I ever worked with or studied with came to know me and they did it by choice. I never chased them. Or even if I remotely chose them also, they ended up liking or knowing me. Not sure if it lasted forever but it sure did for some time. I know I give positive vibes and cute.

So I guess this is not a consolatory piece of writing but a confessional piece. I can't believe that just an image can change all liking and attraction to disinterest. And if it does then all that which the person was into were fantasies and imaginations which did not match with reality at all. And should I believe, that I am not that interesting just on the basis of that hopeless rejection. I should just show a middle finger and walk on. What say?

Loved and Lost?

I have given more than 20 years of my life loving you bitch!

No matter how successful, wealthy, influential or whatever I can be, will never change your heart bitch. I will always fall short of your expectations. I will always remain the blue sucker, jerk, and ass hole in your eyes.

I watched a french movie 'La Repetition', it means 'The rehearsal'. It also showed an obsessive jerk called Louise in love with the uber successful Nathalie. And how did Nat treat Louis...?

And then I saw 'The Social Network', the partial story of Mark Zuckerberg, my hero. The Erica in his life. Refreshing the profile page of Erica over and over, Mark, the billionaire, the genius.

And what am I? At least something in common we have. The source of the the frustration and the drive and impulse to do something.

And am I not like my hero Mark...who failed and won at the same time?

The Morning Ritual

The first baby rays of the sun found its way through the curtains. They fell on that face which had a pair of sleepy eyes. The rays lovingly traced the edges of the sharp nose and the pair of ruddy lips.

The long lashes opened up and looked unto the face of the person who held her in her arms. Trying to wake her up and bring her back to the world of reality. Their eyes gazed deeply and lovingly into each other. A sweet line of smile broke up on the ruddy lips as the hands holding her pulled her close as a mother would to her child.

They remained in each others embrace breathing heavy as the one with the ruddy lips started falling into slumber once again. The pair of arms shook her up and then ran fingers lovingly through her long straight hair. No words were spoken.

As they smiled and giggled, the sun rose up and illumined the entire room.