The 'Bathsheba' in My Life

I guess my relationship with my boss has become just like the one between Bathsheba Everdene and Gabriel in Hardy's 'Far From The Madding Crowd'. I am going away yet her pride will not let her say that she needs me. Only when there is a cause outside and one related to the organization, then and only then will she realize.
I never thought I will meet a Bathsheba in real life. A Bathsheba who saved Gabriel...a Bathsheba who saved me.

My Life has become one with the novel. The only difference being that Gabriel did win her in the end and I do not know since my future and destiny might take me far away.

There was also a Bathsheba in bible. This is about her.
"David, the first king of a united Israel, conqueror of an empire running from the edge of Egypt to the Euphrates River in modern-day Iraq, is one of the Bible's greatest heroes. His life and his character are documented in the Old Testament's books of Samuel and the first of the books of Chronicles. In many ways, David is the Old Testament's golden child: a charismatic shepherd boy who manages to slay Goliath with a slingshot, a successful warrior, and later a pious ruler. As author Jonathan Kirsch wrote in his biography of David, David is "the original alpha male," the "first superstar." But every hero must have a fatal flaw, and David's unchecked lust for Bathsheba becomes his fatal weakness.
In contrast to David, Bathsheba's thoughts and her character are in most circumstances mute, well cloaked in the sparse lines of the Hebrew text. Some biblical scholars describe Bathsheba as articulate and willful, while others say those accounts consist of unsubstantiated speculation. But one thing about Bathsheba is clear: It is she alone who sparks a sudden transition in David's life. The implications of their affair will dominate his remaining years. Through the life of David and into the life of her son King Solomon, Bathsheba plays many roles: object of lust, wife, mother, and influential queen."

In 'Far from The Madding Crowd', Bathsheba is a beautiful, well-educated, smart and at times vain character. She is young and inexperienced yet she goes forward with managing the farm. She does not take Gabriel seriously and only after quite some time and through ups and downs she admits that he is her closest and most loyal friend and rewards his love by marrying him.

She was the stuff that great mens' mothers are made of.

Thomas Hardy's 'Far From The Madding Crowd', features her as an independent woman with the courage to defy convention by running a farm herself. Although Bathsheba's nature leads her into serious errors of judgment, Hardy endows her with sufficient resilience, intelligence, and good luck to overcome her youthful folly.

I can see the same spark in my boss. I am also faithful to her. Things are left to time. I have sincerely striven to help her in her work though it was beyond my purview. I also care about her. With a crumbling personal life I am playing with fire. I can't help it. The 'Gabriel' in me is deeply in love with the 'Bathsheba' in her and Gabriel is also the name of an angel. I am going, I have said and I have no doubts about my decision. But she can stop me only if she understands what's there in between the lines.

Quitting My Job

A perfect workplace, does not exist. There are few perfect managers and there are no perfect employees. However there are near perfect environments. In a near perfect environment the needs of employees are met and the concerns of management are also met. This can happen in an environment of communication and consideration.

I was wondering that whether I have quit in anger but the answer is 'no'. There are areas of concern which I have addressed in my blog. I have even requested my business head to read it. I have addressed the concerns in written and verbally, without effect.

Things have only been noticed when the water has flowed above the head and mind you this was not a flood but a Tsunami. Quitting is often not the best solution, however. Addressing the problem in an adult manner, accepting my part of the blame and allowing others to admit their imperfections, and I did try with a clarifications document. Though my business head read it...she said that she does not require any clarifications.

My question is why should critical feedback only be given during periodic reviews? Why should assumptions be made rather than taking the bull by the horns and taming it.

"The best reason to quit should be that you found something that pays well, is in your area of interest, and will provide you with a fulfilling reason to want to go to work, all the remainder of your days."

Now where does my scenario fit?

-Communication skills- clarity, timeliness

-Knowledge and skills

-Resourcefulness

-Reliability

-Leadership

Keeping these aside is the consideration that how much I can value add to an organization and how difficult it will be to replace me...am I really worth retaining?

I don't know who will answer these!

In Poems

This poem was written last April...
Today when I stand in the threshold of separation from these hills, the soft grass, the whimsical sky and the carefree clouds, I can recall the familiar pain again.
When she dropped me yesterday in the dark surroundings in the company of rain, I could also feel them on my cheeks. I closed my eyes and said: I loved her so much...why?...I travelled miles just putting my faith on her. I killed my ego or any pride and endured days of insult, just to see her lose faith on me and just remembering all our arguments and not how much loyal I was to her.

They said in poems
One can go a thousand miles...
Just for the sake of a look
And all those poems in the books
Did I believe them ever?
That a thousand times
One can die
Just for the sake of love
That it's a fever
Or is it a curse or
A blessing from above?

When you live in a world of mirrors,
No matter where your eyes wander
Bathed in a thousand colours
Only he seems to smile
When pain seems so sweet
That I can tell him all I feel
I lose all my words
My mouth is bound by a seal
Only he can free me from this fever
I just don't know I feel so dizzy
I guess I will fall
As all looks so hazy
The food gets cold
The birds go home
I know I am in his arms
Though all see me alone

The waters of the bay
When they kiss my feet
I close my eyes
And feel him in my fast heartbeat...
The moon rises
And all over spreads its light
I think about him loving me
In the silence of the night.
As I lie down on the sand
And look up at the stars
I know like them he is near me
Though he seems to be far.

I shall not move
I'll let the tide
Fully drown me
Just stretch you hand
Only you can
Truly rescue me.

Should I tell ?

"Chayan se humko kabhi aapne jeene naa diye
Zeher bhi chaha agar peena to peene naa diye
Apne jo hai diya
Woh to kisine naa diyaa
Zeher bhi chaha agar peena to peene naa diye"

I have this gut feeling that something unfair is going to happen and I think I can actually connect it with my review results. I have skipped reviews in my last two organizations but I knew from before that I had a fair chance of being promoted. Now what is with promotion and who cares about promotion if you get a raise? With the recession in sight things do not look so sunny. But I am serious about my holidays. I want to go home and meet my friends who I have not seen for quite some time now.

Among other things that I want to do are heal myself of the stupid ailments I have got myself into. One of these is my fixation with my boss. This is simply horrible. I am not trying at all to get out of it and gone are the days when I used to take a neutral stance in everything. I still do and see things as they are and not as how I want to see them. I also have to stop thinking so much, analyzing so much. In a way if I think about her what really I can get from her keeping aside our professional relation? She has asked me but I never gave a clear answer.

Should I tell her the truth…the truth which perhaps will shatter her? The truth about who really I am? What I really want? On the other hand I have the feeling that she will take it in a positive manner…I know she will.

Coming back to my review, I am shaking inside just thinking that the worst has happened. No raise...no promotion...probation period extended. If that is the case...then they can very well lay me off. I have endured enough!

Is My Job Miserable?

There is a lot of difference between the two words ‘bad’ and ‘miserable’.

Anybody doing any type of job can be miserable. Suffering from severe Sunday night blues or feeling disgusted coming to office are all symptoms of this. You come home defeated, not wanting to go back and dreading it.

What causes this feeling of miserableness/ unhappiness?

Absence of these 3 important things can make you unhappy at work.

1. Your manager/ boss/ reporting manager has no interest whatsoever in your work and life. Mind you, I have also mentioned life. It is really necessary to know a person in order to bring the best out of him/ her professionally. For example a worker may be sick or having some difficulty, say managing a new born baby. Your manager does not know you or cares about you and ignores you as an individual, as a human.

2. Knowing that your work makes no difference in anybody’s life. Irrelevance, which is a killer. We may not be a doctor or a teacher doing a service to society but even if we know that we are helping others- customers, team members, subordinates, seniors. Not knowing this will make us unhappy.We have to think how our work can value add?

3. When you suffer from, 'Dunno where I am goin syndrome'. No feedback on how we are doing at work. We cannot wait for appraisals just to know how we are doing. Praises and Criticism are required on a regular basis. If we have a mentor figure at office who always gives us an unbiased opinion of our work and who knows what we do and how we do it. Now the question lies how do we get this feedback?

There may be other things as well but statistics reveal that more than 75% people quit jobs because of their managers and not for other reasons like money, better job profile etc.

Disappointment

I do not know why things just slip out of my hand. Like it happened yesterday. I reacted very impulsively. The incident has totally derailed me. Now what I want to concentrate on is why did I react so much? It is because people in my life have been pestering me for various reasons. I am controlling myself and enduring every thing. The pressure cooker burst yesterday but still I controlled myself. Because her beauty calmed me. I also heard my mother's reproach in her voice. Negative criticism from people I love and respect just shatters me.

I do not share everything with my Mom but I only speak with her about such issues when I feel very hurt and vulnerable. I do not hold any personal grudges against people but only against their actions or processes. I felt pestered for such a petty sum. Whats the big deal...why send so many mails. It was not an issue at all. I have worked hard all this while to hear: " I am disappointed with you"

What should I say...I was breaking apart inside. I probably knew what was in between the lines.

Yeh kya hua
Kaise hua
Kab hua
Kyu hua
Choro...yeh naa pooncho

Which company was she talking about...the company who never arranged for a transport for me from airport to office, even though I was new to the place and alone and travelled from a different city.

The company which never provided me with an accommodation...not even helping me directly to find it.

Noone turned up at the hospital or even called me during the stay there after my mom arrived.

Noone called me when I was away on medical leave.

I am a disappointment????????????

For a mail...a few angry words...for being impulsive...?
I do not want to increase your disppointment or mine any more...

You are well mannered but also sweetly rude and I am well mannered but explicitly curt when things go wrong...I can't hide it like you.

I am sure my review is screwed...and all did depend on my decision to carry out things.

Letter to my Big Boss

Dear Boss,

I don’t know whether it’s right or wrong to confide in you. Both the options seem to be so relative. I do not want this thing to go official so here I am standing on open space in front of you asking you to understand me.

Working in the metros is very different from working in small towns like Pune. Compared to Delhi, Mumbai, Pune is a small town. My communication style has remained like that in metros. It goes well with juniors who need some degrees of informal behavior to come out and accept someone and open up with their problems work related or ones which might affect work. It is necessary as a senior to understand ones team to essentially bring out the best out of them.

What I am confused is how to communicate with people who are in higher positions and relatively new in this company? I have always come across shocking behavior from my RMs. I’ll give you some examples:

Delhi: My RM introducing me on Christmas party: Here’s _from _ who drinks horlicks and fruit juice, is the star thinker and researcher of the team whose pass time is to write poetries and charm all the good-looking girls on the floor. She’s not spared me either.

Shocking isn’t it? She did not mean to insult me. She went on and on with praises on my puny achievements. There’s more.

Calcutta: My HRM sending me Mumbai for the second time. In a one to one meeting in which she is justifying that I should set sail in a day she tells me:

Don’t I know what you were doing at Mumbai? I know you love Mumbai, I know you want to go back. All the best!

What she meant was, I used to be out pretty late at nights because of a bunch of journalist friends I had at Mumbai. Things always get misinterpreted but I did not mind.

Now the real shocker…

Mumbai: Me to my practice head. Some thing very shocking happened…umm I found some girl’s silver colored underwear and slippers at office. I am sorry I should not be sharing this thing with you but I am really concerned about what happens on the floor.
Practice head: Why don’t you ask your PM…it might belong to him I am sure.

Chennai: Me to my senior: oops I don’t have any leaves left…
My senior: What about maternity leave?

Now this is the environment I came from…I never had to be so very formal. Or may be I was, but my bosses were always master blasters in terms of unconventionality or camaraderie. So I changed and landed up at whatever. My current RM misinterprets most of my actions. I never do it intentionally though I do not know how much he understands. I have tried my best to work things out without effect. Now I am leaving it out to faith and fate. If my 6 monthly review gets screwed up, I am not to blame.

Your’s sincerely

NB. Perhaps I should follow the Jon Postel saying:
“Be conservative in what you send and liberal in what you receive.”
Jon made this comment about the internet but it applies to so many things including business communication. In short I should meticulously follow you, my boss who is a live example for this.

More Confusion in Life

“Zindagi is tarah se lagne lagi
Rang ur jaye jo deewaron se
Ab chupane se kuch naa raha
Zakhm dikhne lagi dararon se
Mujh ko hai apni har khata manzoor
Bhool ho jaati hai insaanon se.”

I don’t know who I am giving so much importance?

Work
Myself
Her
My whims
Her whims
My defects
Her defects
My feelings
Her feelings


For two months I had to cope with the stress of no work. Rather no quality work was available. Perhaps my manager was also not that good a manager. Now this week was a week of epiphany, rather rebirth for me.

Suddenly all stuff started taking directions. Proper directions. My immediate senior in dept 2 bosses, we started to interact, working on something really really cool. Ultimately it was happening. I was also working on probably my next training session, my favourite subject Web 2, mobile applications.

So apni to gaddi chal pari beedu!

I thought so but there is Boss almighty. I am going to work from two locations now. My primary reason of joining this company was grooming myself as a consultant. Presales and key account people were always dear to me and vice versa. I took the pains to study MBA because I was definitely looking beyond instructional design and project management. Two appraisals at two different organizations came up with the advice of-‘Do an MBA, don’t let your manager sit on your head.’

I wonder what is the difference? I don’t know from where she got the idea that I write well. All those poems smses dedications and card quotations? There are other people I am sure there are others who write better than me. The only thing is I have worked for brand-building, marketing exercises and web as well as web 2.

The point where this opportunity is coming to me is not apt. I want to concentrate on business excellence in the services wing, which is my wing. My boss does not spoon-feed me and I appreciate it because that helps me to take decisions. But when I am urgently asking for some support shouldn’t she spare some time. Atleast a second just to tell me, yeah dude, go handle it yourself. But no, she throws me in the ocean with the assurance that it is a pool. I have to be Michael Phelps in it because after all it was her decision that, I was inside there. But I am not Phelps. I am worse than the Frankenstein monster.

There were major confusion with my job profile and duties and this new thing adds to it. Just because it is in its babyhood does not mean, that it is not important. I am so passionate about my research work and work in general that I know for sure that it’s going to take me far away from the goal I set myself. For everything I do, I need goals which I want to reach. Value adding to my employer does not mean value additions to my career. How is this thing going to help me? I want to become a consultant in elearning and enterprise solutions, IMS. How is in depth knowledge of a particular product going to help me? A product which is unique to just this company.

Nobody controls me except me. There is overcrowding in my department. Perhaps growth will be nominal here but that was not the case when I had joined. I know if I start walking on this path I will never come back. It has happened before. It will happen again. Is this why I had joined this company? My loyalty to my department, to my team, to my boss…all will be at stake.

I also will be torn across diverse work lines. I may stay alone here but I do have a personal life.

My anguish came out in the mail to my boss today. Aur kahani abhi baki hai mere dost!

Boss As An Authoritarian

When I was in Chennai, my roomie use to constantly complain about her boss. She was a management trainee working with a reputed Indian information technology solution provider. I use to wonder whether there was a problem with the Infrastructure Management Services department or with her. It was her first job after all.

Fortunately I have never worked with bosses who were even remotely control freaks. One particular company had a marwari guy as a boss, a typical marwari he was. He had very little manners and especially he used to be so rude to the girls around. Then again he never misbehaved with me. God knows why. Even if he was displeased with my work sometimes he use to discuss with me like a big brother and was explicit when praising my work. He was the first person who actually brought into my notice the good qualities which I had with reference to a corporate set up and coordination between departments and revenue increase techniques.

Sorry to digress. I was actually wondering how bosses become control freaks? Are they born bad or does power corrupt them? Power has a psychological influence on humans. If you had seen ‘Star Wars’, you’ll know about Anakin Skywalker’s metamorphosis into the evil Darth Vader and then how he proves that he was essentially good.

What does a control freak dictator boss do?

She/He takes strategic decisions even without informing you when it is necessary.
She/He ridicules or mocks you in meetings.
She/He orders you around with work which makes you feel severely denigrated.
She/He cancels your holiday in the last second.
She/He humiliates and censures you for petty misses on your part.
She/He threatens you often that she/he will screw up your appraisal unless you obey her/him.
She/He calls you up in his cabin and wastes your time with humbug stories.
She/He asks you out for a drink and enquires about your personal life.
She/He shows her/his displeasure when you want to leave early even after you have spend 10 hours on duty.
She/He never calls you up when you are in medical leave or may be hospitalized.
She/He screws up your appraisal for apparently no reason.
She/He treats you like her/his pet dog even worse.


Can you think of more reasons?