More Confusion in Life

“Zindagi is tarah se lagne lagi
Rang ur jaye jo deewaron se
Ab chupane se kuch naa raha
Zakhm dikhne lagi dararon se
Mujh ko hai apni har khata manzoor
Bhool ho jaati hai insaanon se.”

I don’t know who I am giving so much importance?

Work
Myself
Her
My whims
Her whims
My defects
Her defects
My feelings
Her feelings


For two months I had to cope with the stress of no work. Rather no quality work was available. Perhaps my manager was also not that good a manager. Now this week was a week of epiphany, rather rebirth for me.

Suddenly all stuff started taking directions. Proper directions. My immediate senior in dept 2 bosses, we started to interact, working on something really really cool. Ultimately it was happening. I was also working on probably my next training session, my favourite subject Web 2, mobile applications.

So apni to gaddi chal pari beedu!

I thought so but there is Boss almighty. I am going to work from two locations now. My primary reason of joining this company was grooming myself as a consultant. Presales and key account people were always dear to me and vice versa. I took the pains to study MBA because I was definitely looking beyond instructional design and project management. Two appraisals at two different organizations came up with the advice of-‘Do an MBA, don’t let your manager sit on your head.’

I wonder what is the difference? I don’t know from where she got the idea that I write well. All those poems smses dedications and card quotations? There are other people I am sure there are others who write better than me. The only thing is I have worked for brand-building, marketing exercises and web as well as web 2.

The point where this opportunity is coming to me is not apt. I want to concentrate on business excellence in the services wing, which is my wing. My boss does not spoon-feed me and I appreciate it because that helps me to take decisions. But when I am urgently asking for some support shouldn’t she spare some time. Atleast a second just to tell me, yeah dude, go handle it yourself. But no, she throws me in the ocean with the assurance that it is a pool. I have to be Michael Phelps in it because after all it was her decision that, I was inside there. But I am not Phelps. I am worse than the Frankenstein monster.

There were major confusion with my job profile and duties and this new thing adds to it. Just because it is in its babyhood does not mean, that it is not important. I am so passionate about my research work and work in general that I know for sure that it’s going to take me far away from the goal I set myself. For everything I do, I need goals which I want to reach. Value adding to my employer does not mean value additions to my career. How is this thing going to help me? I want to become a consultant in elearning and enterprise solutions, IMS. How is in depth knowledge of a particular product going to help me? A product which is unique to just this company.

Nobody controls me except me. There is overcrowding in my department. Perhaps growth will be nominal here but that was not the case when I had joined. I know if I start walking on this path I will never come back. It has happened before. It will happen again. Is this why I had joined this company? My loyalty to my department, to my team, to my boss…all will be at stake.

I also will be torn across diverse work lines. I may stay alone here but I do have a personal life.

My anguish came out in the mail to my boss today. Aur kahani abhi baki hai mere dost!