Living with Both of You

I am bound to you in an eternal bond of worship.
You left me but the empty bed still feels warm with your warmth and my hands still feels your life force.
You ask me to live and you know that in this string of worship, she is also there.
Somewhere with us, beside us, between us.
I cover your eyes with my palm and see her nose and lips.
Why did you both have to be so vivid a reflection of each other?
Her mortal body left me and your heart is parked somewhere else...
And both of you ask me to live?

There were days when I fell asleep near her feet
Holding them close to my heart
There were days
When the morning sun would fade out
When she opened her dreamy eyes
To look into mine
And I feel you holding me close
Just letting your lips
Touch my heart
And I remember those mornings
The same feeling when your ruggedness just melts out to her...
I hug her to wake her up
But she closes her eyes
And I know...
My cool skin after the bath and cologne
Can feel her long eye lashes, her long nose, and sleepy lips
Between the open buttons of my shirt...

I shudder and hold her away
Lest she read my heart beat...
I shudder again...
But you hold me close...
And don't let me go...
And I feel your weight on me...
And I know she is nowhere...
And you tell me...
Stop thinking...

Moving On

It's been two years you are gone
And I am still searching for you
I find a strange pattern in the songs
Playing on late night FM
I hear you in them
I read our story in them
I rush to the door
I thought I heard you knock
Through the magic eye
I see none
You are gone
But I...
I am still waiting
I imagine your cheek against mine
When the lights are off
I wait to feel your arms
But all that embraces me
Is the eternal darkness around
And arms of strangers
In which I retire, tired worn out
I die a thousand times everyday
Thinking about the moments we lived
I have moved on
I cant move on
Caught in a time warp
Caught in the monstrosity of love
And I do walk in the valley of death
I fear no one
I walk with the hope
That you are just out there
Waiting for me...
To hold me again.

Poem Of a Lost Soul

There was a time when I was happy
Not fulfilled but happy
I would not try to find ways
To give myself pain
Why should any situations or anyone give me pain,
If I am secure myself,
If I know how to handle things?
But it's so horrible what I am feeling now.
When you are at cross roads
Found your identity
Been a rebel
Found your freedom
And that's it
You were all that you had
You still have yourself.
Is that a failure?
Is that a victory?
But I am losing myself fast.
With every passage of a year,
I am stronger
But the damage happens, is imminent
Though the delay time varies.
I need stability
I need more than myself to be alive.
It is time when I cannot
Hide any more
It's like erupting lava from earth's core.
I cannot control myself...anymore.
Tired of being a lost ship,
I need to find my shore.

My Rose Day Date

It would have been so much easier
Had we remained strangers
'Coz I saw what I had  to see
And I can't see any more,
As I leave the sea shore;
A sea of tears
And I can't see any more now .
Yes it's better you leave me
'Coz I can never leave you
Standing there bading farewell
I wished you saw
I wished...
But wishes are not realities
But heart has its frailties
It feels and it dies
With the lows and the highs.
And I wished for more time
O' I wish I had more time...

My Chant of God in God's Own Country

You stood there looking into my eyes as I turned away
I don't know if this is the right time
But I am coming after you anyway
I gazed on to the night sky
On my journey towards you
The moon taunted me
I don't know if I am in love
You just you, I only wanted to see
I could hear the crickets singing in the jungle
The birds singing in the tree
I can hear his heart beat
Feel his breath
As he made love to me
I closed my eyes
I was so full of you
I wanted you desperately

I sat in the sunset
Gazing into the red depths of the sky
All was red
And it bled
All was red in my love and in the sun
And into your arms
I wanted to run.
I thought of my memory
With you on the beach and I closed my eyes
I lay down in peace
Your hair fell on my face
I don't believe it was the breeze.

And I can feel you were not there,
So I journeyed again
To lose you one more time
Your dry hands, I love,
And every mark on it
Has my destiny written.
And those big brown eyes
Drain me...ravage me
I totally give up.

I had to go there
Because you were there
And I came back
Before...with you
It was all my destiny
I had to be here
To love you.
I fear and wake in the night
Thinking I will lose you.
And don't you know
That I couldn't just see you go...
And when I feel blue
I just spend my time...
Sketching you...

And I did call you...
In my sleep...in my awakenings
In my smiles, in my tears...
My chant of God...
In God's own country
To the hills, to the woods
To the sky, to the sea
I prayed for a lil place...
In your heart my lady.

God chanted...Enchanted

I have started finding meaning
In your 'Nos'
That is how my story goes
Can I be special to you?
I know not how
You are my goddess
Before whom I bow.

I wish you could come down once
On this Earth
In this heart
Held my hand and looked in my eyes
Love me just one day
Made me special

Wish you could see
What I feel for you
How much I care
Wish I could share
How I feel missing you
How I do not want to let you go
How I forget the world,
When I am with you.

I don't want to make you mine
Or cry for you since you love another
I don't want you
To be with me...
I'll give you the freedom
To choose
To leave me
To forget me
I can see you go
I love you so...
I hope you will come back...
If my love you know.

The Time Comes to an End...

Christmas is round the corner
It's also time for me to wrap up
The year shall end and so shall my stay...
I wish we had more time together.

I do recall the first time I saw you on the floor
You looked detached...arrogant at times
But you looked at me with all attention
You held my gaze.
It pinned itself on my psyche
Your sharp face.

I found your name on the newsletter
I do recall the day we smiled
In the restroom
I do remember, I introduced myself at lunch
The story began there and ran off.

Now I know just one intoxication
Which lies in the deep brown depths of your eyes
I shall miss talking to them with mine
I will miss catching in them the golden sun shine.

Not to miss the sweetness of your accented language...
Not to miss the rough feel of your palms...
Not to miss your pixie smile...
Not to miss your expressive face...
Not to miss what you felt for me...
It...will take me a while.

Will you forget me?
Will you remember the times?
I do not know.
I just hope you do...
'Coz I can't help expecting just this bit from you.

A Star

You tell me...I looked green, I was in blossoms, but you left me like the thorns in a desert. Who cares about their blossoms? I travelled to all this wilderness because I was like a lost river who met its sea in you. Where are you my heartbeat? I wish you held me for one more time...my heart should stop then...and I should die just looking at you one last time. I don't like to see anything else again.

You kept me alive all this time...I want to see one last time...those eyes which had so much love and care for me...I want to see that smile...my sun...the light in my life...and I want to hold those hands in mine and feel the breath on my face and I want to kiss that forehead and die...and become a star that shines on you forever....

Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

You made my heart bleed today

And I can't stand there

Seeing you taken away

I can't look into your eyes

I can't stop myself from telling

I love you...I can't see this...

I am going to leave soon

I am down in an abyss and can't rise

Your smile and happiness

Your honesty and goodness

I know I can't be anywhere

But I love you

Without wanting you

Without trying to control you

And I will never tell you...

I will just love you...

As you said words are not required

I will love you silently

Worship you...

I just give up because nothing can control my heart...just looking at you smiling is enough and I know now why people run away from love...from impossible love because they can't see themselves destroyed by the loss........................I can't see you becoming someone else's...............Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

Hello...knock knock...wake up Aeon!

I do not not know how to handle this situation, I am in. Sometimes I think am I giving it too much of importance? There is someone at office towards whom, I felt a connection from the first time our eyes met. We both must have been interested but hardly showed it. I know it is pretty much obvious to the person how much I care about her. It is something that I have just not been able to control. If I think I will stay aloof, I give away as soon as she is around or near me. I am kind and sweet to her. We do pull each others legs but I kind of feel that she treats all of her other coworkers equally. I tried to find a sign and all I find is that the way we look into each others eyes is deep and long. This is similar to all my past romantic relationships based on mutual liking and attraction. Apart from this I don't know what to do. I want to leave this city for good with a better life but I cannot leave her. Her life is where her boyfriend is so I must give up and just shift delete everything. In conditions like this one, it is difficult to maintain a smooth friendship. I struggle with it every day. I hate it. I feel so sorry to feel so negative about it but isn't it hopeless for a married bisexual atheist struggling with a career and personal life gone very wrong to be in love with a relation committed staunch Catholic girl from a different community and station in life? On top of this are the malevolent memories I have of my past relationships. Why do I actually need something meaningful with her? Can it not be just like...We are mutual friends with benefits? I cannot be so superficial. Whenever she is with me, she shares or tries to share the moment with her boyfriend. Perhaps she enjoys her moments with me but misses him and loves him to the extent of wanting to include him in it. So she shares her instant action reports with him to my dismay. Should I not just leave her alone? I wish I can tell her this. All that I manage to do is making her feel just the opposite. I should just let her be and soon she will forget me. I should avoid rather than stop paying her the attention that I do. Ignore her and not insult or offend her. The problem is, I don't want her to think that I was time passing with her. But what difference it makes of what she thinks? There is no future in watering this plant so let the weeds choke it. She is well covered. She has her family though they are far off. She has her kind flatmates and her former best friends. Though she never mentioned, she must be having other guy friends. At the work place she is treated nicely. Last but not the least she has her love. Why am I trying to fit in? I am actually no where. Hello...knock knock wake up Aeon!

Aside: Oops whenever 'am writing a blog post about her, she's around :P

Love or Something Like it

It felt awful to slog out at office. Though I did not have a deadline, I had a ticking in head to finish all the work on Saturday rather than sitting on it the next week. Working on a Saturday itself is horrible.

I did not know how to react to her boyfriend booking movie tickets for us. Fast forward and we are walking down a tree-lined lane which is a shortcut to reduce the auto fare. Thanks to my avid map knowledge we pulled the thing pretty well. We reached the mall, freshened up and moved to the food court. Well I do like to compete against my younger counterpart in terms of attracting attention and I did score more. I was terribly elated inside. On the other hand it's actually awful because I like her so much. I think I am in love with her. Her happiness, her smile, her well being matters so much to me. She feels totally at ease as she talks about her best friend and boyfriend. I listen patiently. Then we come upon a VW servicing center and she offers to take me around her native place in her VW car.

The day progresses into lunch, then movie, auto rides, crowded bus rides, beach, sea water, dinner, car drop home. Such a long long time spent with a girl. I don't know when was the last time I spent so much time with a girl. I still feel the emptiness because I see her with her boyfriend. She is sitting beside him in the car. She tends his painful shoulder and then mine when he is gone for a short while. She is shocked at the powerful deltoids as I tell her, about my years of weight training. I tend her shoulders but she find it tickling. I brush her hair from her face and inch towards her as she tries to show me a crab. I could almost feel her face against mine when her guy returns and says something to startle us.

I cannot expect much. I like her guy a lot and I think they are a great couple. But my single life stings me like a nettle when I see them both. I am also not jealous but it hurts somewhere because I have feelings for her. And it hurts more that she is a kind and honest girl who is attracted to me in some way.

As I get down from the car and she wants to come up...I say it's late and bid goodbye to the sweetest couple in this world. I do leave behind something in the back seat, a few drops of secret tears.

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My dedication to you...chand chupa badal mei sharmake meri jaane jaana...I saw the orange moon...I saw your face

My Karva Chauth Date

How do I feel

Just looking at you?

They just pass by, the hours…

Me just looking into your eyes

With a smile on my lips…

Sketching you on the canvas of my heart,

While you turn to go and I call your name

You do not seem to hear it

So I call again… once twice thrice till all hear it.

And you run to me asking what is it that you called?

So I take your name again

To make you blush.

And I want to steal you away

From this world

Take you where we can lie on the sand.

Counting the stars.

One two three four

They blink like glow worms…

I look at you,

To trace the silhouette of your sharp face,

Against the moon.

I come to my senses,

And I realize,

We have sat for eternity,

At that table,

Just looking at each other.

Someone

I feel like spending most of my spare time with that 'someone'. That 'someone' who I am so terribly attracted to. I fear the separation which is imminent sooner or later. So I want to make each moment and day special and memorable. After all, the memories will be all that we shall carry.

Same situations hit my life time and again. When I am compelled to change my dwelling and workplace, and also the city. An attachment makes it difficult but I am sure like always I will bless my stars and leave the object or objects of my attachment and move on.

So for the time being I will go for the wish fulfillment of that 'someone'. The best way to the heart is through the stomach. I would also love to visit Kerala with that 'someone' as my guide. Sometimes it's not worth being patient.

Longing

It is so difficult to handle longing,
When the object of your longing is around,
You end up talking and acting silly,
Your feet seem to slip the ground.

When you are so so near me,
I can feel your presence,
They topple me totally,
The heat of your body and your fragrance.

Your dress brushes my arm,
I feel like holding you close,
And when you look at me,
I totally get disposed.

How long can I control?
How long can I conceal it?
How long can I stay away from you?
How long can I stop my lips?

My lips want to tell you all,
My lips want to kiss you,
My lips want to worship you,
My lips don't want to miss you.

I want to crash down on you,
Like a shooting star,
I want to splash down on you
Like the ocean waves from far.

Take me, finish me...
Start me again,
Love me destroy me...
Fall on me like the rain.

Pirandanal Valdukkal

It's not that everyday you get a chance to wear your heart on your sleeve. I am doing that today and I am only going to speak the truth. I don't know where this might take me but that's my resolution for the time being.

I think I am losing my grip on a certain someone and that's because that person is confused about her feelings for me and as usual my reactions are always in the face. But I am sure this is more than I bargained for.

I also got no gifts from you...you did not even come and wish me when everyone did. So what you dropped an sms last night. I think it was just a mirage and I am not that important for you. So why should I waste my time or anything?

And is it an over the top interpretation happening at that end? I am single with friends...that's it and you are not so busy...

Need Bros and Sis not BFs or GFs

Imagine me sitting on a big rock on a sea shore looking at the sunset and ruminating. My quite a few years of life time has passed. I am a serial monogamous bisexual chic. I only fantasize about men and also get turned on by them. I love their company and its virtually impossible for me to live without them. Though necessarily I am not into sleeping relationships with them or committed.

About the women...God help me. I go around wasting my money, patience, time after them only for a pat on my head. I sound like a dog I know. I wish there was a girl in my life who was sincere about me, cared about me, made me feel special, hugged me, kissed me, and was affectionate towards me without being sexual. I always felt like that. Is it that I needed a sister. I have cousins but they hardly understand me though they have loved me too. I feel my compass is totally broken and am lost.

This is a phase when I just need the support, the cuddles, and the affection but not sex. I cannot be serious and casual at the same time. I only want sex when I am committed and also he or she is committed. It's just about bros and sis for me now.

Coup De Foudre

I don't know how I can stop myself from falling into you.

Gradually, I am flowing like a river to the sea.

I cannot resist the slope, the fluid in me.

I want you to be happy and satisfied.

I want to bring this world at your feet.

I don't like to see you sick.

When you are, I see the setting sun in your eyes.

I want to see the sunny heaven in them always.

I 'll chant of God when I look at them, holding your hands.

You are like poetry.

You are like the first stroke in the canvas.

You are like a little serene pond in a green patch.

I look at those idols and I fold my arms in worship.

But I find Her face in you.

I wish I was a little baby in your arms.

And you will cuddle and kiss me to sleep.

While I close my eyes you will pat me.

I know I fit no where in your life.

I don't think I can be anybody in it.

Yet you take away my sleep.

And take away my breath.

You take away my pain too.

And wherever I am, with whoever I am...

My mind just thinks of you...

And my heart beats blue blue

You Take My Breath Away

Every time I see you

You take my breath away

All the words you've spoken

Flows like a river through me

My fortress of control is totally broken

I love your imperfections

Which make you unique

I do have now become an emotional leak

I never knew I will feel like this again

I never knew I''ll turn into insane

It shows in my face

It glows and puts the grace

In me what all did notice

I was like this all the time I wish

I thought about you

I thought about you all day

I touched myself

Thinking you were there

What have I become?

What have you made me?

I am swept apart with your inner beauty...

The Sponge and the Stream

'Our mind is a sponge; our heart is a stream.

Is it not strange that most of us choose sucking rather than running?'

-----Kahlil Gibran

Well sucking is what exactly I am doing right now even though I am sick and tired. How come no one ever found me with their heart or tried to find or feel me? May be they did but I never noticed. I cannot figure out the way I interpret this world or its denizens.

I do not know whether I should give in to love...to longing...to attraction. I have the fear of telling him though he looks at me, I turn away thinking what he might think of me. I am so afraid to be judged. Is he younger than me and so will he see me as a cougar? My mind sucks and my heart dies. I cannot forget his eyes...big and so full of melody. His fair body and ripped being ripping me apart as I sketch him a thousand times on the canvas of my heart with my eyes.

As she leans over me holding the mouse and reading the computer screen, I can smell her mild perfume. I can see the color of her lip liner. But I get conscious that she can smell me too. Does she like the musk cologne I am wearing? May be I smell too masculine. My mind sucks again as it tells me she has a boyfriend and loves him and she is my coworker. I stretch my hand to touch her ear ring but stop.

My lack of focus will hit me hard again. What is it I want? Why can't I focus on more than one thing and why can't I get it?

I need to suck and run...use my heart and mind but both lie frozen at the moment.

The Green Maze Muse

Happy Birthday to my ex-Senior. I have been luckily inspired to create a whole junkyard of passionate poems dedicated to this beautiful mesmerizing green knight. Well memories of our confused relation and how much I loved to embarrass her still puts a smile on my lips...so here's the last one which is a sequence to the first love poem in this blog.

'The Green Maze Revisited'

Long since I have walked in the green maze...
Long since I have held that gaze...
Long since I have looked on those hills...
Long since I got drenched in the monsoon drizzles.

It seems like a past life so dear
Its seems so distant yet so near
The rivers change their courses
The seasons rotate and disappear
I find myself lost
When I wonder how I got here...
But I can just close my eyes and dream again
Of the hills, of the rain drenched paths, of the smiles,
Of the riddles, of the journeys...
I can get lost again...
In the endless green,
And search for that flame
To show me the way
Out of this night...
Into the day.

The Titanic...

I have struggled to protect the private me from the rest of the world. A lot of people may describe me as flamboyant, in the face or too open about myself. However, they are wrong. They do not know how difficult it is to pretend everyday. pretend that you are strong, happy, and confident. It is so difficult to admit that I am a loser and a jerk. I am still standing in the same place and it's been ages now. I have tried my level best to take control of everything, hopelessly and meticulously failing in everything. It's ok to be all these but what are the reasons, I don't have a clue. Don't I deserve a good job... a great guy...a comfortable life? I am smart and intelligent...people call me gifted...I am attractive...I am well-educated...What is the problem?

The boy, I was in love with found marital bliss in someone else's arms and as if that was not depressing enough, came back in my life pretending to be a friend when all he wanted me to be was a friend with benefits. The girl, the love of my life came back with promises of repairing our relationship when all she really wanted was some playful distraction from her boring half baked life and career. My work and office, the less said is better as it will take me from being depressed to suicidal.

So what is this private me? A twisted mangled mass of metal, much like the WTC structure after the towers fell. Assumed to be ever powerful but in reality, the Titanic of sorrows and erroneous calculations, which is sinking.