Rainbow Souls

Music, Dance and intellectual parley brought two people from very different planes together. Among riots of rainbow colours these two wild souls danced away into the rainbow sunrise.

 

When words even lose their ability to express, floating and drowning in a river of love, these two souls merged with the rainbow sea.

 

There were onlookers who watched in awe drinking the craziness of these two souls. These two souls rising and falling with the emotions without names.

 

They were lost in the seven colours of the rainbow and when they emerged, they had added more colours to the rainbow.

 

They don’t seem to talk in anything else other than poetry nowadays. They don’t know whether they died, just died or became undead. All that they can remember individually…"I am nowhere inside…I am just fulfilled just by you…filled with you…"

Historical Present

History repeats itself too many times for me. I feel as if I have travelled back in time. I am the college girl moving into a dreamy moment where series of incidents will happen back to back. Jolting...volting and shaking out the sense out of me.

The curse which fell on me years ago was kind of broken recently. I am yet to find out if it really got broken. A curse of the kiss of love will be broken by the kiss of love. Situations and circumstances would also have to mirror. This means the present has to mirror the past.

In a kind of mystery unfolding itself, history revealed again into my present, telling me that I am still standing in the same place. The arms of time were around my neck one more time, not letting go, confusing me, thrilling me, loving me and telling me that this is the beginning and the end.

Two names got entangled before and again they are entangled under similar circumstances. In a bid not to fall into the abyss of pain, I struggle, I struggle hard to let go once and for all.

Enough of you and me and they...

You are compelled by your own reasons
You think they make sense
I asked you let me know if you reached safely
I know you will
Yet you never send a word
Do you think that hurt heals with counter hurting
You see through that lense
You dont know its just a mirror
You just see yourself
You don't see me.

I don't need a reason to...
Spend time with you
To dine with you
To buy medicines for you
To take care of you
To forgive your rashness
To forgive your stupidity
To see you wasting yourself with others
To hold you when you are your tipsy self.

And yet you come back..
Over and over
With your pain
You think I am kind
I won't ask, I won't judge, I won't tell.
But I am human,
And I can't take this anymore.
Enough of you and me and they...
Think about us...'US'

Love-Connection-Failure

Failures are the stepping stones to success. What happens when failures are of the people we love.  What is it about love that matters?  Just the emotion, the kick it gives or the connection? There was a girl who was the love of my life and then the guy came along. A copyrighted guy.   A guy who could never be mine. Though I remained his forever. Wait we were talking about love and failure. The two women I have been in love with. Without any doubt what I felt, what I wouldn't do for them. The two women who had the blessings of the creator in every way. Why did they waste their potential? Why did they have everything but threw it away to embrace anonymity? Who were they in love with so much to go for such annihilation? Who was I in love with to let their failures affect me so much?  I loved to walk on thorns  and never cared about the darkness. Have I not failed too that my love could not lift these two hapless souls? They went away…faded away lest their gloom engulfs and destroys my life. What kind of love is it?

My Two Year Exile

Over the barren strange land which threatened to crush me, I never got attached to anything. May be just the gushing waters of Bay of Bengal and the sad lonely moon. Then one day, when I got struck and lay there looking at myself crippled...along came chant of God. But now it is gone...every bit of solace it brought and the happy surprises which followed the ignorant pain in a city called...never mind.

For two years I had drifted alone

Without land in sight

Then you came

You sheltered me

And now I think how could it be?

That I was happy with a mirage

There was no land

I never really held that kind hand

When I thought I had something

To hold on

That something nourished me

Kept me going

Those kind eyes swept me off

And now I wonder what I was doing?

That it was all a mirage

That kept me alive

That it was never real

For a moment I was given what I wanted

To keep me alive

To put a smile on my face

To pick me up from the dirt of the earth

But it was never real

It's gone

And here I am smiling alone.

Of Puzzles and Pichutan...

I thought with the passage of time and accumulation of experience, the mysteries and puzzles of life and relationships will be easier to understand. How wrong I was...because it seems to be an unending labyrinth of complexities. I am not totally lost in it but tired of trying to understand it. Why do people behave the way they behave? When they hurt others and sometimes they hurt the ones who are closest to them. My perceptive and sensitive mind and heart has started closing their doors to any emotions or feelings. I will live life like a warrior and that is what I was in my past lives. Unfortunately, there is no glory in fighting any more.

My sensitivity is heightening with each passage of day and it's scary. It is not what I enjoy any more. I am able to feel things, feel the law of relativity. It is scary as I do not know whether it is my mortal body which gives me this power. I am done with my part even though I am young and I know the time will come very soon if something does not interfere with crux of things. Am I afraid of dying? Not at all. I have always loved journeys but my 'pichutan', a bengali word meaning what holds me back are my parents. I wish they have the strength to find their sustenance and mental strength after I am gone.

Living with Both of You

I am bound to you in an eternal bond of worship.
You left me but the empty bed still feels warm with your warmth and my hands still feels your life force.
You ask me to live and you know that in this string of worship, she is also there.
Somewhere with us, beside us, between us.
I cover your eyes with my palm and see her nose and lips.
Why did you both have to be so vivid a reflection of each other?
Her mortal body left me and your heart is parked somewhere else...
And both of you ask me to live?

There were days when I fell asleep near her feet
Holding them close to my heart
There were days
When the morning sun would fade out
When she opened her dreamy eyes
To look into mine
And I feel you holding me close
Just letting your lips
Touch my heart
And I remember those mornings
The same feeling when your ruggedness just melts out to her...
I hug her to wake her up
But she closes her eyes
And I know...
My cool skin after the bath and cologne
Can feel her long eye lashes, her long nose, and sleepy lips
Between the open buttons of my shirt...

I shudder and hold her away
Lest she read my heart beat...
I shudder again...
But you hold me close...
And don't let me go...
And I feel your weight on me...
And I know she is nowhere...
And you tell me...
Stop thinking...

Downside of Feminity

I do not know how to control the ultra feminine parts inside. For example, mood swings. I look like a bird and sting like a bee sometimes. For men it's a part of their lives to handle it but what about women? It may take me a second to crush my cool dude persona. But again we will know what someone we like do not likes. If we can avoid it we should or else what is the value of having a relationship? Why do we understand and repeat our mistakes over and over?

This is not a consolatory or confessional piece. It's a justification of my actions. I can't cope with her superficiality, stupidity, passivity, and flirting any more. I give her more than she deserves and all I want that she spares me of all the subtle taunts, insults, and attempts to make me jealous. And not to mention all the disgusting gifts and all the thoughts of associating most things with her. Why?

I am that arrogant, that I want first class accommodation in someones heart when it counts or else I just don't want to be there at all. And no one should fool with a creative person who is bound to be complex inside and can well be turbulent with unresolved traumatic memories.

Moving On

It's been two years you are gone
And I am still searching for you
I find a strange pattern in the songs
Playing on late night FM
I hear you in them
I read our story in them
I rush to the door
I thought I heard you knock
Through the magic eye
I see none
You are gone
But I...
I am still waiting
I imagine your cheek against mine
When the lights are off
I wait to feel your arms
But all that embraces me
Is the eternal darkness around
And arms of strangers
In which I retire, tired worn out
I die a thousand times everyday
Thinking about the moments we lived
I have moved on
I cant move on
Caught in a time warp
Caught in the monstrosity of love
And I do walk in the valley of death
I fear no one
I walk with the hope
That you are just out there
Waiting for me...
To hold me again.

Tom Thumb (nee Tomboy..Toonboy)

I wish I was a snowflake,

And fell on those long eye lashes,

I will melt and enter those eyes,

Those big brown eyes which look so kind,

Those eyes which sway my heart and mind.

I am Tom Thumb, the climber

Who would climb the hill of that nose

Balancing, falling, and slipping at last

On the softness below…

I will sit like a baby on a soft soft couch,

The soft couch of those lips,

I will roll on them and fall on them.

Till I fall asleep.

On the path of the neck,

I trudge along,

Till I fall on your heart.

Then I smile and sigh a bit,

As I hear your heart beat.

I run and hide in the waves,

Like Tarzan swinging,

From one lock to another,

I move on, like Tarzan yelling.

I drop onto those shoulders,

And sit there for a while,

You look busy…you keep on working,

You miss out on my smile.

I whisper your name,

In your ear,

I play with your rings,

I blow kisses, I cry, and rant,

But you don’t seem to hear.

I guess I am little Tom Thumb

I am brave... I can dare.

I can win Snow-white, Cinderella, and Rapunzel,

But...never it seems Ms. Ra---ael.

My Rose Day Date

It would have been so much easier
Had we remained strangers
'Coz I saw what I had  to see
And I can't see any more,
As I leave the sea shore;
A sea of tears
And I can't see any more now .
Yes it's better you leave me
'Coz I can never leave you
Standing there bading farewell
I wished you saw
I wished...
But wishes are not realities
But heart has its frailties
It feels and it dies
With the lows and the highs.
And I wished for more time
O' I wish I had more time...

My Chant of God in God's Own Country

You stood there looking into my eyes as I turned away
I don't know if this is the right time
But I am coming after you anyway
I gazed on to the night sky
On my journey towards you
The moon taunted me
I don't know if I am in love
You just you, I only wanted to see
I could hear the crickets singing in the jungle
The birds singing in the tree
I can hear his heart beat
Feel his breath
As he made love to me
I closed my eyes
I was so full of you
I wanted you desperately

I sat in the sunset
Gazing into the red depths of the sky
All was red
And it bled
All was red in my love and in the sun
And into your arms
I wanted to run.
I thought of my memory
With you on the beach and I closed my eyes
I lay down in peace
Your hair fell on my face
I don't believe it was the breeze.

And I can feel you were not there,
So I journeyed again
To lose you one more time
Your dry hands, I love,
And every mark on it
Has my destiny written.
And those big brown eyes
Drain me...ravage me
I totally give up.

I had to go there
Because you were there
And I came back
Before...with you
It was all my destiny
I had to be here
To love you.
I fear and wake in the night
Thinking I will lose you.
And don't you know
That I couldn't just see you go...
And when I feel blue
I just spend my time...
Sketching you...

And I did call you...
In my sleep...in my awakenings
In my smiles, in my tears...
My chant of God...
In God's own country
To the hills, to the woods
To the sky, to the sea
I prayed for a lil place...
In your heart my lady.

Xmiaou's Christmas Predictions

What are Xmiaou's Christmas Predictions?

I will get a lot of unnecessary gifts. I will remain sober and shall not get laid with a random stranger. I will eat lot of good foods.

Nowadays I find it very ominous to let my friend know what I am doing. Because if I tell him, the plan always crashes. He also insists to know what activities I am into and with whom I am spending my time, which I find pretty offending nowadays. Also I just can't get this word across to him that I am not attracted to him and just consider him a friends and I would not be comfortable doing anything with him which contradicts such a fact. He is helpful and I need to stick around with him since my other three male friends have tied the knot.

Yes I think its pretty clear that the special someone in the team is actually attracted to me and likes me. But I have already decided to stay away no matter how close we get. This is just a whim and it's not serious at the other end. It takes a little effort and pain but the more you interact less, avoid, and do not look into the eyes, it becomes positive and easier to stay determined. After all this was going in the path of love and could have been something great even without any commitments but it's a missed train.

Why should I?

It's a very hard breaking not heartbreaking thing for someone single during Christmas. I sometimes think is it better to be committed or be single and independent?

Sometimes I feel I was lucky to come here, work here in this designation. On the other hand it has been bad since there is hardly anyone in office with whom I can even informally discuss work. I am the only transition zone employee.

When I liked someone I made it pretty much obvious without showing off but that particular person always wanted to tread on the cautious line. That person is conscious and a thousand times careful not to give any impression of favoring me. Huh its funny since I am the Senior. On top of that, there are days of losing control and so I am sick and tired of being confused by this person. I have let go. Now I only end up being kind and nice but detached. I don't get any assertiveness from that person so why should I show any?

Unfortunately we have also lost any chances of 'we' time and I know for sure that I am leaving early next year. My Kerala travel plans...huh :( I was this close and it's gone...burst like a bubble.

God chanted...Enchanted

I have started finding meaning
In your 'Nos'
That is how my story goes
Can I be special to you?
I know not how
You are my goddess
Before whom I bow.

I wish you could come down once
On this Earth
In this heart
Held my hand and looked in my eyes
Love me just one day
Made me special

Wish you could see
What I feel for you
How much I care
Wish I could share
How I feel missing you
How I do not want to let you go
How I forget the world,
When I am with you.

I don't want to make you mine
Or cry for you since you love another
I don't want you
To be with me...
I'll give you the freedom
To choose
To leave me
To forget me
I can see you go
I love you so...
I hope you will come back...
If my love you know.

When the Heart Overpowers the Mind

I am not in a situation to give advice to anyone on this. I want to ignore and move on but unable to. The object of my affection makes me weak in this. It is also the Christmas season and just like Dassera or Diwali, it is a season to give unconditionally. I have always done that. I have loved and not expected anything from that someone. Just some time, some undivided time, priority, and importance once in a while. Is that too much to ask for?

I have to move on and concentrate on the priorities of life. This is not the time for all this. Of getting weak in the heart. I am also not in the focus zone for that someone. I am just a time pass. Why is it so hard to understand that? When it is so very much explicit, why do I tend to meander into that someone's path? I should just leave by telling, I am not in this game.

The Time Comes to an End...

Christmas is round the corner
It's also time for me to wrap up
The year shall end and so shall my stay...
I wish we had more time together.

I do recall the first time I saw you on the floor
You looked detached...arrogant at times
But you looked at me with all attention
You held my gaze.
It pinned itself on my psyche
Your sharp face.

I found your name on the newsletter
I do recall the day we smiled
In the restroom
I do remember, I introduced myself at lunch
The story began there and ran off.

Now I know just one intoxication
Which lies in the deep brown depths of your eyes
I shall miss talking to them with mine
I will miss catching in them the golden sun shine.

Not to miss the sweetness of your accented language...
Not to miss the rough feel of your palms...
Not to miss your pixie smile...
Not to miss your expressive face...
Not to miss what you felt for me...
It...will take me a while.

Will you forget me?
Will you remember the times?
I do not know.
I just hope you do...
'Coz I can't help expecting just this bit from you.

A Star

You tell me...I looked green, I was in blossoms, but you left me like the thorns in a desert. Who cares about their blossoms? I travelled to all this wilderness because I was like a lost river who met its sea in you. Where are you my heartbeat? I wish you held me for one more time...my heart should stop then...and I should die just looking at you one last time. I don't like to see anything else again.

You kept me alive all this time...I want to see one last time...those eyes which had so much love and care for me...I want to see that smile...my sun...the light in my life...and I want to hold those hands in mine and feel the breath on my face and I want to kiss that forehead and die...and become a star that shines on you forever....

Running Away Again

I am going through the worst phase of life where repeated sincere attempts to change my condition is failing. It's been such a long long time since anything has worked in my favour.

The rainy weather and pms worsens the feeling and makes grim reality grimmer. I can't look at smiling faces anymore, I have no interest in eating, I am tired of talking and smiling. I can see the ever cheerful, optimistic, impulsive, and passionate person in me taking its last few breaths.

I am dying I know and I also know when people give up or kill themselves. That gruesome hopelessness which kills them. I am not depressed but the reality kills me. The growing rise of prices and no hikes at work place in spite of great performance which has been acknowledged. I don't have money to afford a great living or luxuries. I have no one to travel with. I have friends who only want benefits from me. I have loved and been sincere only to be made to feel small and insignificant. My self esteem has fallen off. Are the times that bad since all seem to be pretty well off?

Love redeems everything but I have no luck. The love which just did not get acknowledged. Why does that someone feel so much in conflict to acknowledge it? We are not friends, did we not know it? What are we? Work place buddies...time pass, casual date, friends, soul buddies, mentor-mentee...what are we? I do not want to put labels...but did you not say that the distance between us depends on the strength of our relationship and I am near you?

Then why? I have given you space and I have never demanded anything. I have killed my wishes...swallowed my pain and expectations...How much can I assert?

Why are you breaking both of us? Everything can coexist. They need not know so long you acknowledge this between us...we two.

What kind of rejection do you fear? This is not your self esteem but arrogance or ignorance or is it only skin deep?

You are in conflicts and doubts about what you feel for me. Please clear it up and decide with your own mind and not that someone's who I despise. I also want to tell you that I am not divided (committed to anyone) as you are...and you have the power of making me leave everything and running away again.

Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me

You made my heart bleed today

And I can't stand there

Seeing you taken away

I can't look into your eyes

I can't stop myself from telling

I love you...I can't see this...

I am going to leave soon

I am down in an abyss and can't rise

Your smile and happiness

Your honesty and goodness

I know I can't be anywhere

But I love you

Without wanting you

Without trying to control you

And I will never tell you...

I will just love you...

As you said words are not required

I will love you silently

Worship you...

I just give up because nothing can control my heart...just looking at you smiling is enough and I know now why people run away from love...from impossible love because they can't see themselves destroyed by the loss........................I can't see you becoming someone else's...............Love you destroyed me again...ravaged me