Toxin of Life

I was just throwing displaced glances at her. She was chatting on the phone and cooking in the kitchen. I already knew who she could be chatting with. My heart was already telling her, Why are you doing this?

I have known her for the last few months. On and off. Every time, a guy comes seriously into her life, she goes off my radar. Only wrong guys come into her life and she sticks with them for a while. Consolation comes to me from friends saying, This shall pass too and it will not last because fun times don’t last forever.

Just knowing her this year, made me question so many things in my life. For example, when was the time I really did something which made me happy? When was the time I let go? When was the time I fooled around in gay abandon?

After meeting her, I have taken more calculated risks in my life this year. Travelling, meeting more people, being confident, handling my losses with more control and detachment.

There are certain toxins in the physical world which are fatal individually but when taken in moderation, heal serious ailments.

Desert Rose...Dessert Rose

Recently, I have been the not so perfect friend in need...so friend indeed. Tending to people in need of money, medicine, support and occasional pat. However, my life as usual remains the dry desert. No wonder in my travel list Thar Desert in Rajasthan and Arabian Desert were toppers but not any more. Any body who wants to visit a desert, can visit me instead. They will find oasis, dunes, snakes, thorns, scorpions and mirages all in one place. Isn't it a good offer?
 I saw two of my closest co-workers getting into burnt out nervous breakdown modes. Yet I have five times their pressure, living out a sweet pancake existence. Any takers?

Of Puzzles and Pichutan...

I thought with the passage of time and accumulation of experience, the mysteries and puzzles of life and relationships will be easier to understand. How wrong I was...because it seems to be an unending labyrinth of complexities. I am not totally lost in it but tired of trying to understand it. Why do people behave the way they behave? When they hurt others and sometimes they hurt the ones who are closest to them. My perceptive and sensitive mind and heart has started closing their doors to any emotions or feelings. I will live life like a warrior and that is what I was in my past lives. Unfortunately, there is no glory in fighting any more.

My sensitivity is heightening with each passage of day and it's scary. It is not what I enjoy any more. I am able to feel things, feel the law of relativity. It is scary as I do not know whether it is my mortal body which gives me this power. I am done with my part even though I am young and I know the time will come very soon if something does not interfere with crux of things. Am I afraid of dying? Not at all. I have always loved journeys but my 'pichutan', a bengali word meaning what holds me back are my parents. I wish they have the strength to find their sustenance and mental strength after I am gone.

An Island

Time and again I have returned to my former state of being an island surrounded by the waters of loneliness. I recently ended my lent period of more than two years. During that time I have started enjoying all my deprivations, sacrifices, and challenging situations. Over the years, I have realized that monetary losses are something that have affected me severely. I do not want to go into the details but sometimes things happen which border on the paranormal. I just cannot figure out why or how I lost my chain and pendant, a gift from my mother. Spend the night almost going through all the places where I may have dropped it without any luck. It felt as if something had just taken it out from my neck to keep as souvenir. I still continue hearing those mysterious voices though physically I don't feel the presence.

Let's talk about my other losses. My friends and lovers at the old place. They are all gone. We are not a world apart but such is the mentality of people, that they give up on someone too early. Thinking about losses pulls you down into the infinite abyss of misery. I do not want to indulge my pain. But how do I make up for everything I lost? How do I get back the precious time. The clock ticks and pulls me towards my ultimate destiny and I know what it is. I do not know how to hold back the hope since, I am so near the real end. I am the island which shall soon not entertain or receive any more visitors.

Same Old Path and Uncertainties

Sometimes I find it strange to handle the weird types of uncertainties that plague my life. Will I get the job compensation? Will these people release me when I want them to? Will he remember me after I am gone?

When the secret of living life well is to ignore its shortcomings, I am simply unable to ignore the naked truth. Most people expect too much from me in a very short time...in probably every way. I keep on wasting too much energy and resources on things without expecting or demanding things.

I thought I will list down the uncertainties. Will I ever have a meaningful long lasting fruitful relationship with anyone? The most potential person for such a relationship is now a girl. I am really not interested. That says all I think. Where are the men for Jeez' sake?

I keep on changing to provide my self the much needed stability without any real results. I just don't know where I am heading again on the same old path.

Poem Of a Lost Soul

There was a time when I was happy
Not fulfilled but happy
I would not try to find ways
To give myself pain
Why should any situations or anyone give me pain,
If I am secure myself,
If I know how to handle things?
But it's so horrible what I am feeling now.
When you are at cross roads
Found your identity
Been a rebel
Found your freedom
And that's it
You were all that you had
You still have yourself.
Is that a failure?
Is that a victory?
But I am losing myself fast.
With every passage of a year,
I am stronger
But the damage happens, is imminent
Though the delay time varies.
I need stability
I need more than myself to be alive.
It is time when I cannot
Hide any more
It's like erupting lava from earth's core.
I cannot control myself...anymore.
Tired of being a lost ship,
I need to find my shore.

Shallow Person

Silly and some shallow people in my life there are. I should be flushing them down but instead end up serenading them. For example, for years I have been trying to do face sketch. I tried but it just did not work out. Only recently I started making great progress. I had chosen a model or rather a subject from office. I thought she should have felt honored and special. I tagged her sketch in FB so her friends can see.

I don't know what the hush is about her and me. The same photos she had in her profile,  I drew. I don't know why she had to remove the tag. On one hand she shows my sketches to people and on the other hand she removes the tag so that people can't see. I hate this because this hushed up stupidity repels me. I am not in love with her. We are not doing anything forbidden. It was not a nude sketch of hers.

I so god damn hate myself. I succeeded yet the success brought more bitterness as the happiness did not last. There is so much difference between art and life. Some people just don't get it.

Xmiaou's Christmas Predictions

What are Xmiaou's Christmas Predictions?

I will get a lot of unnecessary gifts. I will remain sober and shall not get laid with a random stranger. I will eat lot of good foods.

Nowadays I find it very ominous to let my friend know what I am doing. Because if I tell him, the plan always crashes. He also insists to know what activities I am into and with whom I am spending my time, which I find pretty offending nowadays. Also I just can't get this word across to him that I am not attracted to him and just consider him a friends and I would not be comfortable doing anything with him which contradicts such a fact. He is helpful and I need to stick around with him since my other three male friends have tied the knot.

Yes I think its pretty clear that the special someone in the team is actually attracted to me and likes me. But I have already decided to stay away no matter how close we get. This is just a whim and it's not serious at the other end. It takes a little effort and pain but the more you interact less, avoid, and do not look into the eyes, it becomes positive and easier to stay determined. After all this was going in the path of love and could have been something great even without any commitments but it's a missed train.

Why should I?

It's a very hard breaking not heartbreaking thing for someone single during Christmas. I sometimes think is it better to be committed or be single and independent?

Sometimes I feel I was lucky to come here, work here in this designation. On the other hand it has been bad since there is hardly anyone in office with whom I can even informally discuss work. I am the only transition zone employee.

When I liked someone I made it pretty much obvious without showing off but that particular person always wanted to tread on the cautious line. That person is conscious and a thousand times careful not to give any impression of favoring me. Huh its funny since I am the Senior. On top of that, there are days of losing control and so I am sick and tired of being confused by this person. I have let go. Now I only end up being kind and nice but detached. I don't get any assertiveness from that person so why should I show any?

Unfortunately we have also lost any chances of 'we' time and I know for sure that I am leaving early next year. My Kerala travel plans...huh :( I was this close and it's gone...burst like a bubble.

When the Heart Overpowers the Mind

I am not in a situation to give advice to anyone on this. I want to ignore and move on but unable to. The object of my affection makes me weak in this. It is also the Christmas season and just like Dassera or Diwali, it is a season to give unconditionally. I have always done that. I have loved and not expected anything from that someone. Just some time, some undivided time, priority, and importance once in a while. Is that too much to ask for?

I have to move on and concentrate on the priorities of life. This is not the time for all this. Of getting weak in the heart. I am also not in the focus zone for that someone. I am just a time pass. Why is it so hard to understand that? When it is so very much explicit, why do I tend to meander into that someone's path? I should just leave by telling, I am not in this game.

Running Away Again

I am going through the worst phase of life where repeated sincere attempts to change my condition is failing. It's been such a long long time since anything has worked in my favour.

The rainy weather and pms worsens the feeling and makes grim reality grimmer. I can't look at smiling faces anymore, I have no interest in eating, I am tired of talking and smiling. I can see the ever cheerful, optimistic, impulsive, and passionate person in me taking its last few breaths.

I am dying I know and I also know when people give up or kill themselves. That gruesome hopelessness which kills them. I am not depressed but the reality kills me. The growing rise of prices and no hikes at work place in spite of great performance which has been acknowledged. I don't have money to afford a great living or luxuries. I have no one to travel with. I have friends who only want benefits from me. I have loved and been sincere only to be made to feel small and insignificant. My self esteem has fallen off. Are the times that bad since all seem to be pretty well off?

Love redeems everything but I have no luck. The love which just did not get acknowledged. Why does that someone feel so much in conflict to acknowledge it? We are not friends, did we not know it? What are we? Work place buddies...time pass, casual date, friends, soul buddies, mentor-mentee...what are we? I do not want to put labels...but did you not say that the distance between us depends on the strength of our relationship and I am near you?

Then why? I have given you space and I have never demanded anything. I have killed my wishes...swallowed my pain and expectations...How much can I assert?

Why are you breaking both of us? Everything can coexist. They need not know so long you acknowledge this between us...we two.

What kind of rejection do you fear? This is not your self esteem but arrogance or ignorance or is it only skin deep?

You are in conflicts and doubts about what you feel for me. Please clear it up and decide with your own mind and not that someone's who I despise. I also want to tell you that I am not divided (committed to anyone) as you are...and you have the power of making me leave everything and running away again.

Mistakes that We Repeat

'All flowers will fester
All false smiles will fade away soon
Friends may give you pain but they know it
But false friends give you hopes
And make you a buffoon.'

Why do we make mistakes even when we know we are making mistakes?
Is it our vulnerability?
Is it our heart which makes us weak?

What to do when the mistake stares at us creating a fool of us?

Sometimes it's better to accept that we are human. Laugh it and forget it, and become more careful. I needed to wake up and I did. I tried, failed...tried again. Don't know if I succeeded. But I am better off now.

Hello...knock knock...wake up Aeon!

I do not not know how to handle this situation, I am in. Sometimes I think am I giving it too much of importance? There is someone at office towards whom, I felt a connection from the first time our eyes met. We both must have been interested but hardly showed it. I know it is pretty much obvious to the person how much I care about her. It is something that I have just not been able to control. If I think I will stay aloof, I give away as soon as she is around or near me. I am kind and sweet to her. We do pull each others legs but I kind of feel that she treats all of her other coworkers equally. I tried to find a sign and all I find is that the way we look into each others eyes is deep and long. This is similar to all my past romantic relationships based on mutual liking and attraction. Apart from this I don't know what to do. I want to leave this city for good with a better life but I cannot leave her. Her life is where her boyfriend is so I must give up and just shift delete everything. In conditions like this one, it is difficult to maintain a smooth friendship. I struggle with it every day. I hate it. I feel so sorry to feel so negative about it but isn't it hopeless for a married bisexual atheist struggling with a career and personal life gone very wrong to be in love with a relation committed staunch Catholic girl from a different community and station in life? On top of this are the malevolent memories I have of my past relationships. Why do I actually need something meaningful with her? Can it not be just like...We are mutual friends with benefits? I cannot be so superficial. Whenever she is with me, she shares or tries to share the moment with her boyfriend. Perhaps she enjoys her moments with me but misses him and loves him to the extent of wanting to include him in it. So she shares her instant action reports with him to my dismay. Should I not just leave her alone? I wish I can tell her this. All that I manage to do is making her feel just the opposite. I should just let her be and soon she will forget me. I should avoid rather than stop paying her the attention that I do. Ignore her and not insult or offend her. The problem is, I don't want her to think that I was time passing with her. But what difference it makes of what she thinks? There is no future in watering this plant so let the weeds choke it. She is well covered. She has her family though they are far off. She has her kind flatmates and her former best friends. Though she never mentioned, she must be having other guy friends. At the work place she is treated nicely. Last but not the least she has her love. Why am I trying to fit in? I am actually no where. Hello...knock knock wake up Aeon!

Aside: Oops whenever 'am writing a blog post about her, she's around :P

Trapped

I just realized that I have just messed up my life. I took my current job as a temporary support. I wanted to try for foreign immigration which becomes bleak once you are 32. I did not try so hard for it and also shelved my plans to learn french which would have made it easier for a shift to Canada.

Why am I stuck to this job? I knew it was a support. Price for everything has increased in the past two years. They have not increased a penny in my salary. On top of that there is no job responsibility clarity. It's not that I have not spoken about it. I also want to shift from the greedy landlord and the crap of a place I stay in. Currently it's not worth its money.

I don't know why I am hanging on to this city, place, and job? There was actually no purpose for me to shift back to this city after I left it almost 4 years ago. About my connection to people here. I know it that it's not going to work out with any of them here. No matter how nice and kind they are to me.

Right now I don't know why I am screwing up my life here. On the other hand I can't really do anything before I legally end my biggest mistake in life. Sometimes I think I never felt so much trapped and helpless before.

Longing

It is so difficult to handle longing,
When the object of your longing is around,
You end up talking and acting silly,
Your feet seem to slip the ground.

When you are so so near me,
I can feel your presence,
They topple me totally,
The heat of your body and your fragrance.

Your dress brushes my arm,
I feel like holding you close,
And when you look at me,
I totally get disposed.

How long can I control?
How long can I conceal it?
How long can I stay away from you?
How long can I stop my lips?

My lips want to tell you all,
My lips want to kiss you,
My lips want to worship you,
My lips don't want to miss you.

I want to crash down on you,
Like a shooting star,
I want to splash down on you
Like the ocean waves from far.

Take me, finish me...
Start me again,
Love me destroy me...
Fall on me like the rain.

Pirandanal Valdukkal

It's not that everyday you get a chance to wear your heart on your sleeve. I am doing that today and I am only going to speak the truth. I don't know where this might take me but that's my resolution for the time being.

I think I am losing my grip on a certain someone and that's because that person is confused about her feelings for me and as usual my reactions are always in the face. But I am sure this is more than I bargained for.

I also got no gifts from you...you did not even come and wish me when everyone did. So what you dropped an sms last night. I think it was just a mirage and I am not that important for you. So why should I waste my time or anything?

And is it an over the top interpretation happening at that end? I am single with friends...that's it and you are not so busy...

Expectations

I don't know if life is hard or easy for me. After so many years of experience on earth, I still do not understand the dynamics of friendship and love.

People who claim to be close friends act weird. They tell me about all their deepest darkest secrets. Call me for support. Then they forget to include me with sincerity in important family affairs such as marriages. Then one fine day they come back again seeking the support they enjoyed before. Is this time pass or serious friendship?

With the passage of time, I have learnt to expect less and give less importance to myself. Whatever I have not been able to handle, I will learn soon. I think the most vile stuff existing in this world is insecurity and jealousy. These two manage to destroy most relations and also expectations and selflessness. As my mom says...expect less and remember people for the good times and what they did for you and bear no pain or grudge about the times they ignored you.

The Titanic...

I have struggled to protect the private me from the rest of the world. A lot of people may describe me as flamboyant, in the face or too open about myself. However, they are wrong. They do not know how difficult it is to pretend everyday. pretend that you are strong, happy, and confident. It is so difficult to admit that I am a loser and a jerk. I am still standing in the same place and it's been ages now. I have tried my level best to take control of everything, hopelessly and meticulously failing in everything. It's ok to be all these but what are the reasons, I don't have a clue. Don't I deserve a good job... a great guy...a comfortable life? I am smart and intelligent...people call me gifted...I am attractive...I am well-educated...What is the problem?

The boy, I was in love with found marital bliss in someone else's arms and as if that was not depressing enough, came back in my life pretending to be a friend when all he wanted me to be was a friend with benefits. The girl, the love of my life came back with promises of repairing our relationship when all she really wanted was some playful distraction from her boring half baked life and career. My work and office, the less said is better as it will take me from being depressed to suicidal.

So what is this private me? A twisted mangled mass of metal, much like the WTC structure after the towers fell. Assumed to be ever powerful but in reality, the Titanic of sorrows and erroneous calculations, which is sinking.

Remembering You

It's not that I don't remember you. As diwali draws near, I remember you even more. Is it because I am facing difficult situations in life again just like past times and the challenges have just become more critical. You hated this self pity and weakness. You hated seeking support to combat the emotional turmoil. You wanted me to be strong, smart, and cunning in dealing with the problems. I sometimes wonder were you cruel to me to leave me as the sole warrior or you wanted me to be self sufficient and street smart? Yes you did not want me to be a cry baby. On the other hand you enjoyed taunting and hitting back on me sometimes breaking me. My vulnerability aroused you. It was easier to break through me then. Because your taunts made me sob and go weak. Though in the long run I know it worked like water on a red hot piece of iron where sudden cooling provides more strength. But I remember the endless fights and conflicts, the passionate arguments which ended with becoming one. I feel dizzy remembering the feel of you on me, your fingers, your hands, your arms, and everything that embodied you. How it paralyzed my mind and killed me completely. How I felt so weak with passion as you held me totally vanquished looking into your eyes. My entire being overflowing with you and my heart which was choked. I can still feel it, and all those images before me, which smile, turn into your face and look blurred. My eyes overflow.

Stagnancy at a Crossroad

Some times your life comes to a horrible stagnancy at a crossroad. You need to move out fast but you don't know which direction. You also have no idea on how many choices you will have or how your decision will affect you.

I planned so well and everything was right in place as a landed a job at a place I wanted. The gym subscription was ending and also the rent agreement. I was also completing a fair amount of on the job experience.

But all comes with an irony of excess finances which I cannot cope with. I am just frozen and I can't wait here till something hits me and I die. I need to get out.Most times I know what the outcome is and that does not make things easier for me. Perhaps it makes me accept and resign myself to fate more. I do not fight knowing well what the outcome will be.