Historical Present

History repeats itself too many times for me. I feel as if I have travelled back in time. I am the college girl moving into a dreamy moment where series of incidents will happen back to back. Jolting...volting and shaking out the sense out of me.

The curse which fell on me years ago was kind of broken recently. I am yet to find out if it really got broken. A curse of the kiss of love will be broken by the kiss of love. Situations and circumstances would also have to mirror. This means the present has to mirror the past.

In a kind of mystery unfolding itself, history revealed again into my present, telling me that I am still standing in the same place. The arms of time were around my neck one more time, not letting go, confusing me, thrilling me, loving me and telling me that this is the beginning and the end.

Two names got entangled before and again they are entangled under similar circumstances. In a bid not to fall into the abyss of pain, I struggle, I struggle hard to let go once and for all.

Remembering You

It's not that I don't remember you. As diwali draws near, I remember you even more. Is it because I am facing difficult situations in life again just like past times and the challenges have just become more critical. You hated this self pity and weakness. You hated seeking support to combat the emotional turmoil. You wanted me to be strong, smart, and cunning in dealing with the problems. I sometimes wonder were you cruel to me to leave me as the sole warrior or you wanted me to be self sufficient and street smart? Yes you did not want me to be a cry baby. On the other hand you enjoyed taunting and hitting back on me sometimes breaking me. My vulnerability aroused you. It was easier to break through me then. Because your taunts made me sob and go weak. Though in the long run I know it worked like water on a red hot piece of iron where sudden cooling provides more strength. But I remember the endless fights and conflicts, the passionate arguments which ended with becoming one. I feel dizzy remembering the feel of you on me, your fingers, your hands, your arms, and everything that embodied you. How it paralyzed my mind and killed me completely. How I felt so weak with passion as you held me totally vanquished looking into your eyes. My entire being overflowing with you and my heart which was choked. I can still feel it, and all those images before me, which smile, turn into your face and look blurred. My eyes overflow.

Forecasting

May be every sort of relationship that is born is actually born out of necessity. What happens when there are no necessities or when necessities end? How are relationships affected by this?

For example, the liberated uber flamboyant chic I met online. I don't know whether I should call her or not. My heart says I should, but mind feels ego tight, so I started using the all too familiar manager's instrument called forecasting to forecast about all the future possibilities. Well I think 'am not going to be public with the forecasting possible outcomes.

But one thing I would like to say that I really like the chic's super attitude. I know her too less to consider it as a show of. She is too much flamboyant and in the face and flirty in a raw way. I never ever met a woman like that. She totally blew me away with that even before I saw her pic, I had risen in inspiration as opposed to fallen in love.

I must say how much I want her to think about me and desire me and that would really flame my ego of being the object of focus of such a person. I can't do anything else because I am sure she is turned off by my age (am I way younger?), my current straight relationship, my location, and perhaps the current situation in life. I am also not a damsel in distress as I can compete with her in all other aspects of self confidence and security. Is it necessity that is driving me to create a bridge between us? What sort?

Remembering Delhi

Memories of Delhi in movies like Monsoon Wedding, Rang de Basanti, Fanah, Delhi 6, Dev D, Aisha, Band Baaja Baraat move me.

I remember the Nizamuddin station, bus adda, the blueline buses, smoking hot malai chai (milk tea), fog, Mehrauli, Dhaula Kuan, Paharganj, Saket, bread pakoras and the elaborate Punjabi upper class weddings, Diwali, and long drives.

Chandni Chowk market junk jewellery and...chaat, daru, Dal makhani,roti,aloo ka paratha, tandoori chicken and gajar ka halwa.

Was a rude cut throat place with little reverence for women, very tuff on a kid merely out of home and that also from the mellowed down metro like kolkata.

Was it better than the most difficult metro..Chennai? Where you do not understand a thing or identify with anything. I don't know. What I do know is I fell in love with someone from the capital region but I met that person in the south.

Destiny I would say.

The Real Man

All my life I have been thirsty for a real man. Now what is a real man according to me? Tuff, macho, metrosexual, sensitive, reserved, hunk…what are the qualities which really make a man a man according to me?

I do like sensitive guys but I do not like cry babies. I would love a guy who can fight another guy with naked fists and can also sweep me off my feet by his charms. So keeping this in mind, I can say that the current guy in my life is an utter failure. I really don’t care if he can cook well or tickle me for hours.

The reality is he can’t keep up with other men when they are climbing up hills. He cannot hold me down. He is not rugged and he cries like a baby. In short he cannot protect me in any way. So why should I be with in any way. I might have as well been with a girl and felt better than what I feel with him.

I thank GOD that I now know what repels me. Hope it’s not too late to correct my mistake of finding the man who doesn’t mind being scratched or hit. I will find him soon.

Really Not Straight

Life is a strange riddle or rather a human life is a strange riddle. The heart strings of a human are bound to so many individuals. Getting unexpected tugs at the strings from something unknown becomes sometimes difficult to handle.

I am also trying to figure out what is that which really clicks me. I can easily be considered the luckiest person in this world. I have very caring affectionate parents who understand me. My spouse who dotes on me…who is forever deeply madly in love with me. My opposite sex best friend who will give my spouse a good steady competition for anything. I have a respectable job and I am economically secure. I have adequate bank balance, two cars, two houses and god knows how much in terms of inheritance.

What do I lack?

I do lack a same sex friend. Someone who will understand me and accept me for what I am. Why is this necessary? Does my craving indicate that I may not be straight or maybe I have problems sustaining a steady relationship with a person of the same sex? I am just trying to figure out what really is the problem. What do I really need from SS (Same Sex) people? What went wrong?

Well one simple answer to this will be that I always end up with jerks. Who call me their friend and actually can’t figure out how to handle out stuff about the person they just called friend. That can be true because these people will typically be with baggage of pain from the past or personal life. I am severely attracted to this pain or rather hidden pain and ultimately end up giving so much importance to alleviate it that I altogether forget the expectations of the real person. These people typically look very confident, charming and dynamic but I discover their Achilles’ heel and there I go busted.

Why does this not happen with opposite sex friends? Well I cannot answer that question. Or may be I am really not straight..:)