Kit and I

I was wondering if I have been very good friends with someone and then fell in love, wouldn't I want things to remain sunny between us always?
Years ago, I met someone who I really liked. I never knew that qualities which this person, say his or her name is Kit had, any human can have. Kit was physically and mentally strong, charming, intelligent and well accomplished. I literally fell in love with Kit.

Today after so many years I have realized that I was actually in love with the idea of love. Being in a relationship requires compatibility to be happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. Kit and I were never in those levels. Kit took my loyalty for granted. Kit treated my friendship like eating and drinking. There was no depth. I always thought how I can value add to Kit's life by supporting Kit in every way. Whether studies, love, illness, celebration or pain, I wanted to share Kit's life with my own. I had nothing else to do in those days of growing up. I also wanted an escape from the serious personal setbacks of life. I wished Kit would be with me and will understand the whims and eccentricities. Kit will accept me as I am and refine me more just as I felt for Kit.

But little did I know that Kit's understanding was coloured by perceptions. I do not blame Kit, if my behaviour has been misinterpreted. There is however a difference between misinterpretation and misconduct. If behaviour that hurts is repeated time and again then it's intentional and the person who is giving it is well aware of its implications. If Kit deliberately tried to shoo me away or to break and delete anything that we had in between then why will the need arise in the future to rejuvenate it.

Kit didn't want anything between us and over the time I got over the pain and heartbreak which comes with rejection. Then why did Kit come back with the profession that Kit will be with me for all the bad times if not good times and always did consider me as a good friend? Though there were no interactions, I was still very much a part of Kit's life. That it's still possible to begin again. How cruel can Kit be...I wonder? Kit swears that all that I have gone through is understandable and very tragic. I bet Kit understands nothing. Kit never understood anything as Kit never had any sensitivity. First Kit should be brave enough to verbally state everything rather than put it in a meagre email. Kit was always so very selfish. I always looked beyond Kit's image, tried to find logical explanation to Kit's behaviour. Kit never ever did that. Kit knows even now how I feel about the entire thing yet Kit takes it so very superficially. It disgusts me a lot, the realization that I loved and befriended such a base individual who never deserved even my friendship leave alone an eternal love and affection.

The only good thing about Kit is that I realised the true meaning of life through Kit. I did not let myself down and strove positively towards what I believed in. I knew that there was a life beyond that heartbreak and I needed to sincerely try. I did try and I found my way through it. I thought I was running away from Kit but I was not. I was running away from someone who had made me feel bad time and again till I understood there were better things to chase in life. I understood the value of love which I received from people around me. I also realized that there was no pain in giving out of love or being humiliated. I stopped blaming myself for the pain and for the broken relation. Even after years now Kit blames me and my behavior and says sorry for everything in a casual manner.

Kit is not my weakness but my strength. Some horrible misfortune which ultimately strengthened me so in keeping with my kindness, I shall ask Kit, “How may I help you?...and as I am there for everyone who need me sincerely, I am there for you."

Kit says that friendship and love are both different and Kit values friendship more than love. I say that friendship and love can both be confused to be taken for the other. The line dividing them is very thin and so is the line dividing love and hate. I have however risen beyond these petty emotions and ‘ am at peace with whatever life serves me.