Can't let go...

Life teaches you lessons in strange ways. I always found it difficult to let go of stuff to which I was badly attached. After all I hardly got attached to anything.

I have been in a love-hate relationship with someone for the past decade. It always was made to look as if it was one-sided. It means that only I was feeling it. However, now I am sure it was never one-sided. It was sadistic and the other person felt an uncanny pleasure of screwing me emotionally.

I do not know, how many times I got screwed on the bed of cruelty wrapped in a sheet of denial. I never quite got my orgasm so I was always pursuing this person. It was also not 100% ignore also on that person’s part. It came and went at different times of life. Graduation, new job, promotion, marriage, breakage…the person came and went. Recently, I started to realize that this person had paranoid urges always and I was suffering from an incorrigible obsession. Both of us need psychological help. At least with reference to our relation, which was apparently nothing but actually something extremely powerful and destructive. Our families now know our stories and I don’t think they approve of it.

I blocked this person in FB and then unblocked. After having a nasty face off and being yelled at…I am still hopeful of reconciliation. Soon after FB blocking, I went to pursue and find out this person. I did after much toil and humiliation, only to be refused again. By this time, I had send another invitation. So another patch up attempt. This got accepted on a particular night and that night being quite unaware of this development, I send my nastiest sms in recent times which again lead to a deluge of smses back and forth between us. Accusations and stuff we had already cleared. But there was a reason. Nobody seems to understand my point of view. I pursued this person this time because I was worried as that person was not picking up my calls. Did answer my sms with ‘am ok’, but I wanted to be sure. I also needed to meet up after such long long years in between. If we’re friends shouldn’t everything be understandable. What was the reason for avoidance when we were meeting socially and not all alone?

What is the reason with this vacillation? On top of all this is the additional mystery of the spousal interference. Not from my side but from that person’s side. Why not just ignore if I am a ‘nobody’. Why threaten me? Because I am after all a VIP in that person’s life. I have my influence. It’s so ridiculous. So what’s the lesson? Nothing really…I know I can’t let go.