Blindfolded in Maze

I am walking in a maze blindfolded for the last few months. I had decided my way, perhaps also my destination, had a rough map in my hand and yet I remained in the maze. There were times when I knew, I need to get out, I removed my blindfold for a moment and I got fooled again that I am on the right path. I got fooled that whatever I was doing so long was right.

It takes years to understand what a supportive kind of love is. It is not a person, it is not a box of feel-good feelings, it is not orgasms, it is definitely not kisses.

I was trying to realign my life based on something that happened to me. I had my doubts. No one who has not even walked on my path for a second can even figure out what I am, what I want, what I might be willing to give.

I was going to realign my life based on a future occurrence which may or may not take place. Relying on a person and believing in a person is good. But relying on a future thing might be the biggest stupidity. It's not a risk, it's stupidity.

I am in my 30s and I walked an arduous road in my past to be where I am. I understand love, commitment, friendship, infatuation, and kindness. I know that giving and what I can give might actually define a relationship. It cannot be forced. It is either there or not there. I know that being with a person when they are down and falling and in the clouds is more an affirmation of love and friendship than anything else.

Hearing when the person does not speak and just being there sometimes for the most negligible reason is enough. Do they need to lose a limb for us to be there? Definitely no. If we can't do it, if we can't take the risk to do it or feel like a firebrand to do it, then we should review the relationship. Some of us are just kind to others. It's not a relationship at all if we are kind at heart. It's not a relationship when we have failed to understand why we have failed that person. But there is nothing wrong in it so long we stop fooling us.

I didn't know a lot when I was a teenager but I never half loved anyone. I also realized when I was infatuated and in love with the concept of love. I also saw the reality of a situation always. Only recently, my vision is so blurred. I have let myself walk inside the maze blindfolded too long. First, I need to take the blindfold out and see the truth and then afterwards, I need to slowly find my way out.

I feel a bit peaceful because sometimes small things show you the way. Knowing well, that I cannot change the past or certain incidents, circumstances, but I know I can take back the control of my life and walk steadily on the path and never put a blindfold again. A thought and a doubt will never come back recurring when there is no truth.

And...then I just smile at my alter ego who tells me...Buddy I could have waited a lifetime for you to realize what you are doing...I just didn't want to point it out to you. And it's ok loneliness makes you psychotic...you think you are in quicksand and you want to be alive. Well believe you are alive...next time need the ones who need you and vice versa. It's not a big deal dude...you will get there. Yeah...you wasted sometime but you grew up.

Rainbow Souls

Music, Dance and intellectual parley brought two people from very different planes together. Among riots of rainbow colours these two wild souls danced away into the rainbow sunrise.

 

When words even lose their ability to express, floating and drowning in a river of love, these two souls merged with the rainbow sea.

 

There were onlookers who watched in awe drinking the craziness of these two souls. These two souls rising and falling with the emotions without names.

 

They were lost in the seven colours of the rainbow and when they emerged, they had added more colours to the rainbow.

 

They don’t seem to talk in anything else other than poetry nowadays. They don’t know whether they died, just died or became undead. All that they can remember individually…"I am nowhere inside…I am just fulfilled just by you…filled with you…"

Toxin of Life

I was just throwing displaced glances at her. She was chatting on the phone and cooking in the kitchen. I already knew who she could be chatting with. My heart was already telling her, Why are you doing this?

I have known her for the last few months. On and off. Every time, a guy comes seriously into her life, she goes off my radar. Only wrong guys come into her life and she sticks with them for a while. Consolation comes to me from friends saying, This shall pass too and it will not last because fun times don’t last forever.

Just knowing her this year, made me question so many things in my life. For example, when was the time I really did something which made me happy? When was the time I let go? When was the time I fooled around in gay abandon?

After meeting her, I have taken more calculated risks in my life this year. Travelling, meeting more people, being confident, handling my losses with more control and detachment.

There are certain toxins in the physical world which are fatal individually but when taken in moderation, heal serious ailments.

Historical Present

History repeats itself too many times for me. I feel as if I have travelled back in time. I am the college girl moving into a dreamy moment where series of incidents will happen back to back. Jolting...volting and shaking out the sense out of me.

The curse which fell on me years ago was kind of broken recently. I am yet to find out if it really got broken. A curse of the kiss of love will be broken by the kiss of love. Situations and circumstances would also have to mirror. This means the present has to mirror the past.

In a kind of mystery unfolding itself, history revealed again into my present, telling me that I am still standing in the same place. The arms of time were around my neck one more time, not letting go, confusing me, thrilling me, loving me and telling me that this is the beginning and the end.

Two names got entangled before and again they are entangled under similar circumstances. In a bid not to fall into the abyss of pain, I struggle, I struggle hard to let go once and for all.

Out of Touch

I have been out of touch with writing for quite a long time. Work or useless work kept me busy. Also there has been travelling and pursuit of old dreams. I have ultimately accomplished my river rafting and scuba diving plans. Camera and phone is also not much idle nowadays.

My set of friends have changed into travel buddies and activity partners. Friends and men always keep changing as I get super bored very soon. I get bored with myself. I have been sketching and writing stuff on a regular basis. Also, clicking snapping as usual.

So I was thinking that what's new for me this year. It is an even year so should be luckier. I got unlucky at work for the endless time and so I have decided to abandon any scope of hoping for betterment. I will live out my life. It amuses me how I live in a river of moving people. People from my past stalk me but I feel nothing.

Reverting to my old techno self have wrenched out the soft romance which inspires poetry. The restlessness still bugs though with the occasional fear of death. I fear death more than loneliness. Yet I know that only death will let me walk away forever from the clutches of everything undesirable into arms of everything that I want to be.

Long Long Time...

It was a double bonus for me reconnecting with friends after a long long time. One of them I met after a gap of about a year and the other perhaps 10 years or more.

I really needed the hugs, the kindness, and the giggles from both.

I don't believe in God or else I would definitely say this was God's smile and present to me. Also my new year was spent with a friend who cooked for me.

Yet today I am reduced to a cry baby because I do miss a friend who was once with me on a new year. I slept off on her shoulder with an open mouth while watching a movie. I never knew how I reached home and  was tucked away in bed.

I will never see her again or may be I will see her photos. I will never kiss her cheek again. We will never hug again. No more drives together or no hand feeding me food or scolding me.

People die and some die too soon. She died and a very significant part of me died with her.

I don't know what eats me inside? Is it her or is it my part which has departed with her which no husband, boyfriend, friend, family or anyone can bring back.

 

Enough of you and me and they...

You are compelled by your own reasons
You think they make sense
I asked you let me know if you reached safely
I know you will
Yet you never send a word
Do you think that hurt heals with counter hurting
You see through that lense
You dont know its just a mirror
You just see yourself
You don't see me.

I don't need a reason to...
Spend time with you
To dine with you
To buy medicines for you
To take care of you
To forgive your rashness
To forgive your stupidity
To see you wasting yourself with others
To hold you when you are your tipsy self.

And yet you come back..
Over and over
With your pain
You think I am kind
I won't ask, I won't judge, I won't tell.
But I am human,
And I can't take this anymore.
Enough of you and me and they...
Think about us...'US'