I am feeling something which I have never felt before. Now with this statement, anyone would tell me that everybody whose marriage is knocking on the door goes through the same phase. But this is not what I am feeling. Something was lying dormant in me for a long time and I have ultimately realized what it is and how powerful it can be.
I have found the reason of my restlessness, my vulnerability and desperation. This had increased by leaps and bounds ever since I have been to Chennai. Now that I know what it is, it is so difficult to cope with. When I look at myself in the mirror I know my eyes betray this. I cannot look at anyone because they might know. I have gone through the same thing before but feeling it when you a student just out of your teens and feeling it just before you touch 30 is different. May be with time it will fade away but I know someday I will be called to fix what has happened.
On the other hand I am also very happy. It’s no less than the joy when you realize that you have conceived the child of someone with whom you are in love deeply. The feeling that you are carrying something so precious. Though I am not pregnant but what I have been carrying for so long is now so conspicuous.
It does not happen everyday…not in years and it’s a jubilating unsettling kind of feeling. Now I wish…If only you can touch me and I can touch you…and just forget every other grief and happiness in our lives. Forget about every other person…if only if only!
I have found the reason of my restlessness, my vulnerability and desperation. This had increased by leaps and bounds ever since I have been to Chennai. Now that I know what it is, it is so difficult to cope with. When I look at myself in the mirror I know my eyes betray this. I cannot look at anyone because they might know. I have gone through the same thing before but feeling it when you a student just out of your teens and feeling it just before you touch 30 is different. May be with time it will fade away but I know someday I will be called to fix what has happened.
On the other hand I am also very happy. It’s no less than the joy when you realize that you have conceived the child of someone with whom you are in love deeply. The feeling that you are carrying something so precious. Though I am not pregnant but what I have been carrying for so long is now so conspicuous.
It does not happen everyday…not in years and it’s a jubilating unsettling kind of feeling. Now I wish…If only you can touch me and I can touch you…and just forget every other grief and happiness in our lives. Forget about every other person…if only if only!
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