The feeling of solitariness can be something horrible. It’s not loneliness. It is the feeling of a ship that has a captain but never comes across any harbour or port.
Not having someone close to you, that close that the person can hear your heartbeat, can hear your silent sobs at night, can feel the emptiness in your eyes.
They say the most happy and smiling person can be the saddest. Every day I get up with the feeling of having to face another day alone. Every night I sleep craving for an imaginary bed fellow. I know only my mom can imagine what it feels like. I know some of the guys in my life know it.
My mom does not want me to end up alone in life. As for the guys, ‘wish they could realize that the problem does not dissolve on bed. I do not want to flatter myself by saying that I have the charisma of attracting all I like. I have people who feed me, people who trust me with their kids, with their husbands, with their money and assets. I have always respected their trust but how does it help my solitariness.
My capacity to love passionately has not got extinguished. Partly because my thirst never got quenched completely. But I am tired now. I can’t go on like this anymore. I am not desperate but I can’t go on like this. I am at the end of the road and self-centred Pune has aggravated this. Here people will only be with you as long they want. They are not there when you want them.
Irony is that I want to stay at this heartless rotten place. It challenges my sensibilities, my sensitivity, my intellectuality. At school I was the sweetest, the sober kid. When sudden flashes of my temperament seep through the crevices, I feel ashamed. At office some people are so artificial. They have either become stereotypes or just drama masters. I know this corporate world stings me.
I suffer as the headaches have started returning.
Some people may think that I have a social life with people I stay with. Reality is, I never can gel with them. They are just far below my standard. I do not consider these thoughts to be personal. How can it be? It makes me who I am to this world.
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