Odd Year 2011...good ya bad

I cannot help thinking about last year and the gruesome discovery I made on the last day of the year. It was more a decision than a discovery. I knew that there was something very very wrong in my marriage. Every other conjugal life sails through rough waters and walks topsy turvy. Mine was strange. I always had the feeling that my worst half was trying to keep something from me. I did not probe or behave like a paranoiac. However I tried every possible way to out him

Every thing looked perfect on top with him caring for me and doing stuff continuously to make me feel special. Then why was I not satisfied? I always felt there was a secret lurking beneath and that I am being betrayed every moment with 360 degree lies. I had that kind of feeling long time back once in college and once when I was onsite. In relationships I was at that time which looked and felt like butter smooth. My fears and suspicions never the less came true. I was really being betrayed. That feeling was back in my marriage and it reached the highest pole position on the last night of the year. My husband did not come home. On top of that he was serial messaging other people, sending forwarded messages. I was also part of this group. He called me at 12 but that was already next day. He did it comfortably and happily and cold bloodedly.

Is this how you wish your wife on the first new year? She who was already going through a bad professional phase and was sick?

I don’t know whether to trust men or women again. Thank God my intuitions always warned me.

Now for my new year resolutions. I am going to be more reserved and try to go abroad. I have done pretty well to keep my last year resolutions. I have walked out of the two most emotionally draining relationships. I am ultimately at peace to be on my own. I am also more comfortable with my orientation and state of mind. The last and the best. I have worked on my figure and carved it into a ripped and trim look much like my college days. So way to go….However I have failed at writing my book.

As I near the end…I cannot help thinking about J and we were together almost 3 years back or may be 4 on a new year. Wherever you are, I love you and take care and have your medicines on time lil sis :) J